Exclusive: PLAYBOY TELL-ALL

This interview never appeared in August 1999 issue of Playboy.
While we are not aware of Playboy's plans to publish it later, we are reproducing it here without permission.
Since we were unable to procure a complete copy of the interview, all the questions and answers are provided by us.

PLAYBOY: Let's start with our traditional question. Why have you agreed to this interview?

AREGJAN: I like giving interviews, I feel that is what a celebrity must do. Besides, I really like your magazine. We're namesakes of sorts. I am a playboy too.

PLAYBOY: Do you read PLAYBOY regularly?

AREGJAN: Usually I just look at centerfolds. I will definitely read the next issue, though. Do not think I'm shallow, I just have too little time to peruse magazines. Sometimes I don't even have time for Penthouse letters.

PLAYBOY: We are treading here on a turf that the editor might not like, discussing a, well, sort of a competitor. But I must ask, have you ever written one of those letters?

AREGJAN: I have, many times. I didn't send them off, though. I have a lot of stories to tell, which would put their average letters to shame. But they never print real names of the authors, always some corny pseudonyms - I do not like that. If it's a story about me, and a damn good story, and well-written, I want my name in print.

PLAYBOY: One would think with your name it wouldn't be a problem, getting published.

AREGJAN: Not at all, of course. But I didn't want to throw my weight around. I wanted to seem like a regular, average Penthouse reader who's writing to the magazine to tell a steamy story which probably never happened to him in his wettest dreams. But I really wanted my own name under it.

PLAYBOY: You are really serious about giving credit where it is due.

AREGJAN: Yes, that's it. I could start my own magazine. JFK Jr. begged me to write for George, you know, I was even going to, but then, you know...

PLAYBOY: We would offer you a position here...

AREGJAN: You want me to pose as a centerfold? I could, you know...

PLAYBOY: I believe you posed for well-known sculptors, recently as famous as Ernst Neizvestny.

AREGJAN: Who?

PLAYBOY: Exactly.

AREGJAN: So were you lying about that centerfold sitting, or is the offer still standing?

PLAYBOY: Knowing your many talents, we can be sure men would not even attempt to justify themselves by saying they would be buying that issue for the articles.

AREGJAN: Eh? You lost me there, that was quite a complex sentence.

PLAYBOY: Basically, guys would not be buying that issue for articles.

AREGJAN: For the articles.

PLAYBOY: Yes, thank you.

AREGJAN: So why saying it in such a complex way?

PLAYBOY: We do that sometimes to impress intellectuals. They often buy our magazine for the pictures and party jokes and all that, and they are sure to be reading this interview - you are well-known and liked in high-brow intellectual circles.

AREGJAN: Pseudoaesthetes is what they are.

PLAYBOY: Huh?

AREGJAN: How are you going to transcribe that?

PLAYBOY: What?

AREGJAN: That grunt, "huh"?

PLAYBOY: I have no idea. It really doesn't matter, we aren't really talking in real life, the interview is just being written by your fans on a computer. I have no idea how it is going to end up in our magazine, but it'd better, people are waiting.

AREGJAN: Oh, okay.

PLAYBOY: So let us return to our intellectuals. What did you call them?

AREGJAN: Pseudoaesthetes.

PLAYBOY: What is a pseudoaesthete?

AREGJAN: It's, basically, well... Imagine an aesthete, okay...

PLAYBOY: Who?

AREGJAN: An aesthete, a motherfucking aesthete!

PLAYBOY: Okay, and...

AREGJAN: Okay, well, who do you imagine?

PLAYBOY: Like a middle-aged, well-groomed, very New Yorkish, a Manhattanite, to be exact, spending time in SoHo galleries or in the Met, casually sipping a martini, with thin glasses, wearing...

AREGJAN: No-no-no, that is a pseudoaesthete, exactly!

PLAYBOY: Who is an aesthete then?

AREGJAN: Nobody. They're all pseudoaesthetes. Except me. Though I like Tarkovsky.

PLAYBOY: Who?

AREGJAN: Nice try, you're still a pseudoaesthete.

PLAYBOY: No, I honestly didn't hear what you said.

AREGJAN: I said, I liked Tarkovsky.

PLAYBOY: The father or the son?

AREGJAN: The son. Or the father. I always confused them. I think I'll go with the Holy Spirit.

PLAYBOY: Do you believe in God?

AREGJAN: You know that I am a Nobel prize winner in Physics. So why are you asking me this question? What do you think?

PLAYBOY: I have no idea.

AREGJAN: Precisely! So why should I have any idea?

PLAYBOY: You don't have to get defensive. Okay, let us change the topic. You are known to have succeded in many fields. Our readers would sure like to know what you think of all of them, but the space is limited, even for you. So let's do a brief thing, it's kind of childish, but... You'll just tell us who or what is your favorite. You are an accomplished, moreover, professional opera singer. What is your favorite opera?

AREGJAN: I hate opera.

PLAYBOY: But you sing in operas...

AREGJAN: I sing. I don't have to listen to them, or, even worse, watch.

PLAYBOY: Your favorite aria, then?

AREGJAN: It's in Armenian, you wouldn't understand.

PLAYBOY: Try us.

AREGJAN: Well, it's an aria about a rose, okay.

PLAYBOY: Informative enough. Your favorite piece for a violin?

AREGJAN: Can we do without such platitudes?

PLAYBOY: Do you have a favorite composer, at least?

AREGJAN: Yes, but I am not going to tell you. You'll decide he's your favorite composer too. Fuck you, you know.

PLAYBOY: How about your favorite mountain?

AREGJAN: I am not going to say Ararat. And I am not going to name any other mountain either.

PLAYBOY: You're tough.

AREGJAN: It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken.

PLAYBOY: Yes, you also cook. Would you at least name your favorite dish?

AREGJAN: Aardapel mit musik.

PLAYBOY: What is it?

AREGJAN: Aardapel, is, hmm, well, potato...

PLAYBOY: And "mit"? Is it "meat"?

AREGJAN: "Mit" means "with".

PLAYBOY: Potato with musik?

AREGJAN: Yes.

PLAYBOY: So what is this "musik"?

AREGJAN: Oh, musik... It's... It's divine. It's impossible to have an aardapel without musik. It is much less possible to have an aardapel mit musik without musik.

PLAYBOY: But what is it?

AREGJAN: Well, just try it. Order it somewhere.

PLAYBOY: So I can just walk into a restaurant and say: "Garcon, aardapel mit musik?"

AREGJAN: "Garcon" means "boy". It's French.

PLAYBOY: So?

AREGJAN: It's not a French dish. It's more, like, Belgian. It's actually from Holland, but how do you say it? Hollandic? Netherlandic?

PLAYBOY: Dutch.

AREGJAN: That's pretty stupid.

PLAYBOY: Well, let's see here. You haven't really answered the question about your favorite dish, nor have you answered all the previous questions about you favorite things and people.

AREGJAN: I am fully aware of that.

PLAYBOY: I see. Well, it wouldn't be a PLAYBOY interview if we hadn't asked you about sex. So, well, how about it?

AREGJAN: Must I answer?

PLAYBOY: It wouldn't be a PLAYBOY interview without it.

AREGJAN: But it's not really a PLAYBOY interview anyway, is it? You said so yourself.

PLAYBOY: Not really, no.

AREGJAN: There you go.

PLAYBOY: Well, it was worth a try. Thank you for the interview, or whatever became of it. Is there anything you wish to say to our readers in conclusion?

AREGJAN: I would like to dedicate this interview to Dasha, the only thing even related to a bunny that ever came into my life.

PLAYBOY: Thank you very much.

AREGJAN: Of course, of course.

PLAYBOY: We love you, pumpkin.

AREGJAN: I love you too, honeybunny.