Darklocke & Tomo's
Social Column

Published whenever we feel like it.

Vol 1, Issue #8

60 Wind, 1602

All The News We Think You Need To Know

Headline News:

Night Alyss caught buying lollipops. "Uhh, umm, it's for some ... kids. Yeah. This is how I lure them in." And the fact that all of them are grape flavored? "Look, I like, I mean, kids like grape flavored." Ever handed a dead body a lollipop by mistake? Ooh, that's a lot of death spells, okay, we'll leave now.....


What do you think: armies galore attacking New Galen


Ebinezzer tries charging entrance fee to tavern. "Uh huh, sure" says Abel, as he passes on in.


The Okian spymaster was not seen at the stone bridge on the sixth day. No one reporting seeing the spymaster there, either during the day, or at night. DTSC reporters scoured the area and found no sign of the spymaster having ever been there.


Popcorn Sales Up

Popcorn sales skyrocketed during Damer and Feldor's duel on 7th day afternoon this past gathering. Screaming, "you dumb-<unprintable> <unprintable>ing <unprintable> tree-hugging <unprintable>, I'm gonna kill you!", Damer rushed Feldor in the arena area.

Meanwhile, Bran and Gared were working the crowd in the bleachers, selling popcorn and salted peanuts. Heymish and Kaothol also reported brisk business selling drinks as well.

The duel concluded one way or another, with one of them winning and the other dying or lying there unconcious until someone dealt with them.

Dear Tomo

Well, it seems my inbox is overflowing with questions! Seems like there are questions that people want an expert opinion on, as opposed to asking Darklocke.

DL: Hey, why is it that all of your mail says "To: Ask Darky" and "Darky" is crossed out and "Tomo" is written in crayon?

Ignore that man. OK, on to the first question.

Dear Tomo,

I've discovered that Arabundi's gem monks have vast secret powers, and that Arabundi is planning on using his newly developed gem mimes to conduct terrible deeds. How do I go about letting people know?


An excellent question! Allow me to share my modest treatise, On Denounciation: How To Properly Denounce Someone For The Scum They Are.

Step One: Do your homework.

Research the person. Make sure you have the right person and the right circumstances. After all, you don't want to look like an idiot by accusing a wizard of throwing Death spells.

Step Two: Do it personally.

That's right: step right up to the person, look them in the eye, and tell them off in person. Having an audience adds melodrama, so if that's your style, by all means, get up on a table in the tavern and let loose. The personal touch will allow the denouncee (and all witnesses) know exactly who is responsible for all this amazing research and demonstration of spine.

Some people like to do this by writing it down and tacking it up on a tree. This definitely lacks style, grace, or impact, but if you really must do it this way, at the very least, sign your name. Otherwise, you look like -- let me use a technical term here -- a whining dork.

Step Three: Come up with an original denounciation.

Use proper grammar. Avoid obscene words: it just shows your lack of command of the language.

Step Four: Rehearse your denounciation.

Nothing looks worse than sloppy wording, poor phrasing, and (worst of all), bad rhythm, or being long and drawn-out.

Step Five: Follow it up with decisive action.

Just saying "If you do X, I will find you and kill you" is a threat, not a denounciation. Get it right. Following it up with killing them, their family, and razing their house is a good start. Other people might kill all their friends too, but that's some pretty serious vengeance which might not be right for you.

Darklocke: Hey, Tomo, here's one for you! <hands Tomo a letter>

Tomo: Cool! See? It's addressed, "To Tomo". <reads> Hey, it's from Mieko; I recognize her handwriting.

Dear Tomo

What's it like working with Darklocke? He's such a cutie!


DL: Wow, cool! Can I see? Hey, wait, why are you tearing that up? Gimme that!

Breaking News

This just in: last night, four dark elves came into the light tavern to terrorize everyone there. Tilanthis, not wanting to take crap from them, offered to take them on one-by-one. The dark elves laughed at Tilanthis, at which point Tilanthis pointed to the nearest one:

Hey, buddy, you okay? I mean, you don't look so good. You gonna crap your shorts? Look, the outhouse is over there. Go ahead, we'll wait for you. You sure? Really? Hey, if you want, I can send some of my friends in there to make sure nothing scary is in there, like some gem monks. I mean, last thing we'd want is for you to come running from the outhouse and screaming, "'BUNDI IN DA 'HOUSE!"

Darklocke and Tomo's Social Column is an OOG production of Mike Magelinski (Darklocke) and David Leung (Tomo). Dave is now very blase about ripping off The Onion (www.theonion.com), and wishes that he were just better at it... :)