Darklocke & Tomo's
Published whenever we feel like it.
Vol 1, Issue 7
45 Ice, 1602
All The News We Think You Need To Know
New settler gets straight to the point. "Who do I have to sleep with to get into the DTSC?" asks Nadja. To which both Tomo and Darklocke instantly replied, "Darklocke".
jack says it's jack with a lower-case j. "It'd be pretentious otherwise." We just thought it was because he's short.
Random undead horde hits town. Ringleader necromancer quoted: "Well, so, rats ate all my spell packets over the winter, right? So I figure, send in some random skeletons and zombies, and then afterwards, I can send in some scavengers to pick up all the packets."
When asked what his premiere show would feature, he effused: "On the next Arabundi: half-naked, Drow, Ranger, servants of the hobgoblins who turn into werewolves at noon!"
We're sorry we asked.
The Goons used Death Express to travel backward in time to Stronghold: striker Rastin burned 40,000 Death Frequent Visitor Points to fund the entire team's travel.
Bran, usually playing handler, employed his signature playing style to excellent effect. "Whenever someone is trying to guard me, rather than spin around to try and get past his D, I just crushing blow the sucker." The refs don't mind? "Naw." Is that because they're well paid off? "Uhh... ask Gared."
Manager Gared was not available for comment.
Darklocke, typically a striker, was asked what motivates him. "Well, I just imagine that some woman from my past has shown up, and I guess it just makes me run fast."
Abel, typically a handler, frequently shouted during the game, "Darklocke, the Ultimate Evil's right behind you!" When asked about this, Abel said, "Well, it's not like he ever looks back up to see if the disk is coming to him. But it sure does make him run fast, and it sometimes draws the defense to him. And really, it's not like we ever put the disk up until Wyvern is in the endzone."
As usual, Rizzen was ejected from the game for excessive violence. "I don't get it. He got in my way, so I killed him. What's the big deal?" Many critics of the New Galen Goons have suggested that the Goons could never win a game without first killing off some of the opposing team.
Manager Gared was not available for comment.
DTSC reporters saw Cthon handing a large clinking bag to Rizzen shortly after he got ejected. When asked, Cthon was most cooperative in answering questions. "Oh, yes! Yes, well, that was an excellent move on his part -- did you see how skillfully Rizzen wrapped the monk's lip over his head and suffocated him? -- and really, I thought it was quite unfair for him to get ejected. Besides, the whole thing made me laugh."
Star player Aurora Starfire scored 17 of the goals. Abel: "Well, she's quiet and unassuming, so people tend to ignore her, so while Darklocke is running around screaming about being chased by Damien's sister, Bran is, umm, taking care of some defenders, we have Rastin deep and Wyvern running all over the place in the center, so hey, it's easy because she's not being covered. It's all part of our team motto: fear the quiet ones."
The Goons play the Bach Cantatas next week.
I am new to the Frontier, and I notice it seems to be the habit of those new to the Frontier to get their advice from you. Therefore I am asking you to give me any etiquette tips you might have for attending a Galenese Feast. I attended the most recent one and felt I made many faux pas. Perhaps you could do a service to myself and others before future feasts in answering this question.
Thank you for your time,
So what's your question? Seriously, I can tell from your use of crude street dialect terms ("faux pas"? You rogue you!) that you and I are of a similar blood, so I'd love to help you out in a question and answer format I'd like to call "How to survive a Galenese Feast, or 'Get the fork outta here.'"
Q: Okay, cute title, so where IS the silverware? Nobles can afford such a commodity even if we Frontier barbarians hafta eat with our hands, can't they?
A: The silverware is in the backs and hearts of long-passed nobles who thought they could impress their guests by having potential weapons given out to each person in a room with sinister motives.
Q: Even the sporks?
A: Especially the sporks.
Q: When being introduced to the nobles, does one bow or kneel or genuflect or salute or what exactly?
A: It is customary to do the hokey pokey in such situations.
A: That's what it's all about.
Q: One of the nobles just kacked another. Should I be concerned?
A: This is a Galenese Feast, remember. It doesn't matter that a noble or servant does the kacking, so long as a noble is kacked. In this instance it is polite to show your genuine concern and stop what you are doing. Unless your dessert has arrived, in which case you continue eating while feigning genuine concern. Nothing should interupt dessert. Ever.
Q: What if the dessert is poisoned?
A: Then enjoy as much of it as you possibly can in five seconds. Okians are lucky enough to often finish the dish before falling to the poison. But let's face it, are you important enough for someone to poison you at a Feast?
Q: How does one know?
A: Are you a noble? Likely not. Don't worry about it.
Q: And for our final question, I include one that was actually submitted by a reader as it is related to this topic. And by "reader," as always, I am being optimistic.
"I recently attended a very elegant gathering of nobles and something occurred that has me still quite perplexed. You see, the woman I was seated across from...well...there's no real way to put this in delicate terms....she was undead. During the course of the meal, a piece of flesh from her arm rotted off and landed in the wine decanter. I was rather mortified because I did not know the proper procedure for this type of mishap. I ended up asking one of the servants to please bring a new, flesh free decanter. But looking back...should I have attempted to fish out the errant skin and return it to the owner? Please help.
A: First of all, ew. Secondly, "flesh free" is much easier to write than to say. But digression aside, undead are not easily offended. Your actions one way or another are aimed more at the necromancer that may be in her company. In my opinion though, it would have been his place to notice the mishap and correct it in the appropriate way. If he were not present, however, I would strongly advise against fishing the errant skin out. She's not using it anymore anyway. And there is no classy way to fish anything from anything you are supposed to be eating or drinking. If this should happen again, discreetly switch the flesh fouled decanter with one at another table, maybe one at which the Nature's Paw is seated, and forget the incident ever happened.
Thank you for your questions!
Peat Moss requisitions banners.
"Well, the Milita or Garrison or whatever has banners, right? Well, I want one." What should it look like?
"Now that's a good question. I figure a nice pastel background -- pink or green -- with a big paisely pattern in the center." Embroidered? "Can I get that?" Sure, Peat, whatever you want.
"Oh, well, if I can get whatever I want, can I get a big field of red polka dots?"
Darklocke and Tomo's Social Column is an OOG production of Mike Magelinski (Darklocke) and David Leung (Tomo). Dave is now very blase about ripping off The Onion (www.theonion.com), and wishes that he were just better at it... :)