Darklocke & Tomo's
Published whenever we feel like it.
Vol 1, Issue #6
Phoenix 14, 1601
All The News We Think You Need To Know
Damer Flinn arrested for Conduct Unbecoming a Galenese. "So I didn't charge the Morloth a stupidity tax in addition to killing him. Sheesh, I figured killing him was good enough."
The Okian spymaster was not seen drinking at the Dark Tavern. "If an Okian spymaster were at the Dark Tavern, I would know about it -- trust me," says Thorne.
Ivan Wastes 80,000 W&G Ravens. Film at 11.
Special Double Xmas Issue!
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Due to this fact, The Great Arabundi, the publisher of the Gazette, has expanded on his moniker, and is now being addressed as the The Great Lethargic Tree Sloth Arabundi.
Note that our Chief Investigative Reporter Darklocke could not contribute to this report, as that would require him "to actually read the Gazette, and [I] won't stoop to that level even for the sake of journalism."
We here at DTSC expect the Gazette to put up some feeble attempt to re-establish itself in a flailing fit of discombobulation before finally crawling off to some dark corner to wither away into obscurity.
With all this talk about various hordes threatening to take over New Galen, I was wondering how easy it is to do such a thing. How would I go about taking over a settlement? Is it really so easy a task that we should feel threatened?
Signed, Concerned Conqueror
I recently caught up with a New Galen settler named Miyaguchi Seiji. In my interview with him, he shared some interesting insights on this very topic. In answer to your question, I shall print the written version of the interview here:
Darklocke: First of all, Seiji, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to speak with me.
Seiji: Time is not an issue when you are your own boss. What worries me is talking with an assassin! *sly smirk*
D: Ha ha, all right, we've all had enough of the assassin cracks. You and Mieko are the Mulder and Scully of Darklocke Conspiracy Theories. Besides, you're the one that told me about Okians lurking in every shadow ready to kill me. I'm nervous enough as it is speaking with you.
S: Yes, you should be, with Mieko right behind you!
D: Wha-? Okay, not funny!
S: Heh heh.
D: Look, let's just get this done with. Getting back to your being your own boss. You are, of course, referring to your claims...
S: That I am the rumored Okian invasion force, yes.
D: You alone?
S: Me alone.
D: And can you explain how you plan to take over New Galen all by yourself?
S: I already have.
D: You already have...
S: Yes, I just find it is easier not to tell anyone about it. You get so much more done when you do not have hordes of Galenese freedom fighters and such trying to battle against a perfectly organized invasion force.
D: How can you possibly be an effective invasion force?
S: You didn't know I was one, did you? The element of surprise and secrecy is the key to taking over a settlement such as this.
D: So you are saying that alone, it's easier than with an entire army of Okians?
S: Easier, but far from easy. Granted, you do not have to worry about as much paperwork when you are your own invasion force. Hat insurance documents alone need to be explained and signed in several places by each member of an army. It is required, however, what with these things flying off so easily when running to battle. So I use far less time and fewer resources doing this my way. However, it is still difficult in that I meet with a great deal of incredulity when I let settlers know, one-by-one, that I alone have overtaken New Galen.
D: Well I must admit I share this disbelief. What evidence is there that you have taken over? The Galenese government hasn't changed. That is to say, it changes every moon, but that is normal for the Galenese government. What effect have you had on anything here?
S: Stop nervously looking behind you, I was only kidding about Mieko. She's out looking for her hat.
D: Yes, well she's more quiet and sneaky than you, that one. You two make me jumpy. And what part does she play in all this?
S: None at all. I'm the invasion force alone, remember? She torments you of her own free will. And as far as evidence of my taking over the settlement goes, these things take time. Again, it is easier to just let people run things their own way as they always have. Much less hassle that way.
D: So what possible benefits do you gain from your method of taking over New Galen?
S: Hey, check out this T-shirt and free cap invasion forces get!
D: "Home is where you plant your flag." Well, thanks for your time, Seiji.
Trader Ian Selling Unusual Items
Amongst the usual armor-piercing this-and-thats that Trader Ian was selling at the Dark Tavern, he also had a few items that he let DTSC staff see.
One was a necklace with two triangle dangles suspended from it. "This one 'ere, it casts Triangles o' Protection." What the heck does that do? "'Ees like Circles, only is Triangles."
Another was a small duck pendant. "Wid this, you canna cast There Are No Ducks." No ducks, huh. Must be a terribly fowl position you have to be in to resort to that. [Editor's Note: At this point, contributing reporter Candace was Death'ed.] "Wull, think about it, eh? You throwin' spells, right? Don't want people to jes be duckin' under dem, eh? Heh, and your reporter friend, she's right, it also keeps de ducks away." [Editor's Note: Nevertheless, we still didn't give her a Benediction.]
Darklocke and Tomo's Social Column is an OOG production of Mike Magelinski (Darklocke) and David Leung (Tomo). Dave is now pretty unapologetic for continuing to brutually rip off , so hopefully they won't sue us. :)