Darklocke & Tomo's
Social Column

Published whenever we feel like it.

Vol 1, Issue #4

Ash 42, 1601

All The News We Think You Need To Know

 
Headline News:

Arabundi demands recount in Governor election. "Only one vote was cast?" he asked increduously.

 

I wonder if this counts as insubordination.

 

Poll: What does New Galen need the most?

 

The Okian spymaster was not seen in settlement skulking around the Arena. "We have had no reports about a spymaster anywhere in the settlement, especially the Arena," says Governor Rhaenys.

 

Cries of foulplay when resident "fatguy" Ebinezer Merriweather slain by fellow fattie after call of "fatguy break". "The point wasn't to break the fat guy, but he didn't get it," eyewitness says.  
Bumblebee Spirit Bummed, Pissed

The bumblebee spirit is reportedly "quite bummed" that no one in New Galen has taken an interest in it. "Oh, sure, the wolf spirit is getting all sorts of action, and I hear the tiger and dolphin spirits are starting to get letters of introduction, but does anyone even send me a postcard? No."

When asked what the spirit was going to do, it said, "Well, I could summon a swarm to sting them all, but have you seen the line?" What line? "The line waiting to attack the town?" Oh, you mean the army of whatever it is that's out there. "No no no, the line of armies. There's a waiting list you have to get on to. Right now, they're serving number 49. The first free number is 2,086. Forget it."

We asked the bumblebee spirit why anyone would want to learn from it. "Well, for starters, you can fly around. Well, ok, maybe you can't. But you sting people! People can't... well, ok, I guess they have swords, huh. Hey, I know! You can make this cool buzzing sound! What? No, no idea what that would be good for. Hmm, what else... You can, you can, umm... let me check my notes."

Lastly, we asked the bumblebee spirit how anyone interested in learning from it should contact it. Does it have a name? "No! Yes! I'm the bumblebee spirit! Why the heck do I need a name?" Sorry. "I mean, it's not like I care if anyone believes in me or not." But apparently it does care if people send it postcards.

 

Shahariz Al-Marik Accidentally Curses Seven Generations

While preparing an urn of Black Death, the Alhadim seer accidentally spilled some hot water on herself when her hand slipped on the urn, causing her to exclaim, "A pox on this midden heap's urn's maker and their kin, kind, and camels unto the seventh generation!" Shortly afterwards, Shail Silverhawk, Feylin Valendale, and Aurbren all started having convulsions and collapsed. Their condition is unlisted at the New Galen Hospital.

An appalled Shahariz, when informed of the event, professed that she didn't know if her curse was related to the outbreak or not. "I wouldn't have thought it was me who caused that," she explained, "but if they are related, I feel more sorry for them that they're related to such an incompetent [maker of urns]." The rest of her statement is unprintable.

 

Dear Darky

As many of our readers are aware, our very own co-writing poet has a quite extensive and unusual range of knowledge in many areas. How he gathers this information is a bit suspect, but he assures us that, quote: "Only unimportant people had to be thwacked" unquote. So without further ado, here is this issue's submission from Darklocke, "Dear Darky"!

Dear Darky,

I'm a recent arrival to this settlement called "New Galen." I'd like to think I've always been a happy, cheerful sort with no grudges or ill will against anyone. Why is it then that lately, I've had a sudden urge to betray others, become some sort of weird creature, and involve myself in some way with a dark ritual?

Signed: Likely Future Necromancer

Dear Likely,

First of all, welcome to our humble town! You seem to be fitting in nicely. These urges are normal, particularly with new arrivals to the Frontier. You learn quickly that settlers are here to be betrayed, weird creatures are nifty to be, and rituals are the Frontier Fix-all. This sudden knowledge may make you feel like you are suddenly becoming a different, more shifty sort of person, but I assure you that it is simply a matter of adapting to a more shifty environment. Pretty soon you'll be rolling members of your own organization and it will seem as natural as casting a purple light spell.

-DL

Dear Darky,

I think this woman kinda likes me. How do I go about trying to find out if she does? My last spy submission read "Can you find out if [anon.] likes me by sending her a note after Militia practice?" But my level of skill with my spies is weak and the only response I got from them was, "Well Lamia says that Tomo told her that Abel was talking to Martin about this guy that the mushroom kia had given a mushroom to and so Feldor's saying his sister was like 'omigod, I so don't believe he said that' and......[edited for space]"

Signed: Gushing from Galen

Dear Gushing,

You believe a woman likes you? My advice is to run. Run for your dear life. Oh, sure, they're all adorable and stuff when they're swinging swords or tossing root spells, but just wait until they develop a thirst for power! Say, maybe, the ability to curse your spirit! They'll woo you and lure you into a false sense of hopefulness that will only lead you into a pitiful downward spiral of twisted pain and betrayal as you grasp blindly into the vexing miasma of floating bloody shards that may have vaguely resembled your heart before it was forcefully extracted through several of your orifices at once by this "loving" woman's icy tendrils of a macabre fascination with destroying men's souls. Or don't run and you could buy her flowers. Either way.

- DL

Dear Darky,

What's it like working with Tomo? He's a cutie!

Signed: Mad for Militiamen

Dear Mad,

I recognize your writing, Mom, and ew.

- DL

Financial News

alluSina Jin corners capital letters market.

Investors went into a trading panic when alluSina Jin (NGDAQ: aSJ) started a run on capital letters. "Normally, the demand is low, so inventory has never been all that high," said Giuseppe Dandalo, chief trader for House Dandalo. "But with this run-up, the market's gone crazy."

Financial investigators from House Galen have been dispatched to look into the matter. When asked, Sgt Rutger said of the investigation, "We just want to make sure that the proper taxes are being paid on these letters."

At close of trading, capital letters were up 2814% to 2.1 hecta per letter.

Darklocke and Tomo's Social Column is an OOG production of Mike Magelinski (Darklocke) and David Leung (Tomo). Dave is somewhat apologetic for continuning to brutually rip off , but hey, it's still fun. :)