Darklocke and Tomo's Social Column

All The News That Fits, We Print.

Master Rumormonger


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  • 5 Fire 1601


    Darklocke and Tomo's Social Column

    Vol I, Issue 1: 5 Fire 1601

    Note: this is out-of-game. Even if it seems in-character for Darklocke, it's wildly out-of-character for Tomo. -- mike & dave

    Tomo: Hello, readers! What an exciting time we had this past gathering! Such sunny weather led to hot activities, like when Mystery asked Feldor to, what was it again?

    Darklocke: Race Abel to the nearest tree, whilst she kept a very close eye on the two contenders to see who would come in first. When asked who had won, Mystery shook her head questioningly and said, "Oh, I didn't notice," then added "Do it again, boys" with a grin.

    The incident was sketched by newcomer Kia, Ilara, who had also drawn attention by, hmm, how would you describe it?

    T: Her "vivid" drawings of what fire mages should look like. "They look so unencumbered with these simpler robes," she murmured. Simpler indeed; when asked, she said that one wouldn't want to be wearing too much clothing when flinging fire about.

    D: That's a mild understatement.

    T: Going by her drawings, it was clear to see that indeed there wouldn't be much cloth to burn. But it wasn't quite so clear who she had drawn; the personnages looked like a cross between Giuseppe and Tempus.

    Speaking of whom...

    D: It has come to the attention of our questionably-reliable sources that our very own Galenese Governor, Lord Tempus, is writing his memoirs. Though still in the early stages with the working title, I am Not 'TEMPEST': Time Before the Storm, some are already hinting that it may in fact be a collection of emotional poetic interpretations representing the events in his lifetime. When the Master of Militia himself was asked if he was about to be showing a more sensitive side to the citizens of New Galen, he is said to have said the following:


    When pressed further to elaborate, he generously added, what...

    T: That he gotten the idea to write memoirs from none other than New Galen's most eligible bachelor, Damien. Urr, Umathis. No, wait, I meant Damien. Yes, too handsome for one name, the Seneschal of that Arabundi fellow had written a tell-all expose on the goings-on in that den of iniquity, Da Guild. Tempus had said that, after reading such a piece de resistance, he had to make sure that the Governor's office did not look vapid in comparison. "For instance," he intoned, "here I show that the experience of personally flogging the pirate Gaff is a far more fascinating bit of entertainment than when Damien--" hmm, let me check my notes...

    D: Let's see: "tried to combine his entomological studies with ritual magic."

    "Well I thought it was fascinating," Damien argued when we questioned him later about his chapter entitled, "The Ultimate Weevil". "I've always found bugs and crawly things interesting when they're not making a home in my shorts. And since Arabundi is so good with rituals we got to talkin' one night after a heavy round of drinking. Why not see if we can summon things as mundane as insects not native to the Frontier? It didn't occur to us until later that there was really no practical purpose to doing this, but after recent moons we've decided that maybe we could banish things such as mosquitos and ticks. We might need to use Rowan as a sacrifice," Damien confided to us at last. "So don't tell him."

    T: Oh I'm sure we won't.

    D: When asked if Da Guild was worried Rowan would be angry when finally reading our column, he added, "That's okay, he can't read."

    Though a novel idea, we wouldn't want to banish all ticks from the settlement. New arrival Tick is an asset to New Galen with his over-large stick and as much to say as a cursed Abel. We did some investigating into this gentleman's recreational life and found, hmm, how do you put it?

    T: That he has a fondness for Raven opera.

    D: Raven opera!

    T: We didn't even know it existed, but after asking around, we found out from a gushing Rhaenys that indeed such a thing exists, and has been, in fact, a point of much pride within the Ravens.

    D: First weevils, now opera.

    T: Indeed. So we asked Rhaenys to describe opera for us: "well, actually, that's a clan secret." Then how was Tick such a Raven opera fan? "Well, there's a certain subset of Raven opera that's open to the public, but it's not real opera." And this other form of opera? "Well, I've never gone," she started. After assuring her that, of course, we believed her, which we do about as much as we believe that the sun rises in the west--

    D: You actually believe that.

    T: Look, I'm sure it did that time. Anyways, she continued:

    "It's mostly for younger Ravens kids, although it's been gaining in popularity among other non-Ravens. I'm not sure what they call it these days. It started off as 'Raven alternate opera', and then started getting shortened from there. 'Raven alt opera', then 'Raven alt op', to 'Raven alt', last I heard. People were being called 'ravenalters' when I was g-- I mean, last I heard. That, or 'raveners'; it's probably been shortened since then."

    Given that, yes, you heard it here first, Tick is probably a raver. When we figure out exactly what that means, we'll let you know, but it probably has something to do with him being so silent.

    Raven opera wasn't the only thing Rhaenys was gushing about; she also excitedly went on about--

    D: Our very own co-writer of this column, "That adorable poet", Darklocke! That's right, folks -

    T: No no, it wasn't Darklocke she was talking about, it was Domingo!

    D: You sure it wasn't Darklocke?

    T: Yes, I'm quite sure. She was talking about the mustache, about how dashing it is. Or was, I should say.

    D: Was? Oh do tell.

    T: So, Darlock--ha ha, now I'm confused! Domingo had been talking to New Moon about a "special" kind of potion--

    D: I tried one of her special potions once. Still haven't gotten rid of the rash.

    T: Yeah, well, that's because you applied it in the wrong place. Apparently, Domingo put it on his arrows, trying to get flaming arrows--

    D: Hee hee... I remember this incident I think. As I recall it all started with a Guild initiation ceremony. We were lighting everything on fire that night.

    T: Yeah, well, so this all happened when you were passed out in the corner with whas-her-name--

    D: Well it certainly wasn't Rhaenys, you've already made that fact painfully clear. Look, right here in my notes from her interview, "He's just so huggable! And what a way with words!" You sure that was about Domingo?

    T: Now that I think about it, it was Rowan, but that's a story for another time. And yes, your notes do say that, but that's not your handwriting, is it?

    D: Well, no, that's mine right there... "Tomo is a-"

    T: That's not your handwriting... well, ok, maybe it is. Did you drool on the page there? vir... virul... oh, that must be "virile d-something-or-other"...

    D: Look, getting back to Domingo...

    T: Right, so, he pours the potion on the arrow, nocks, lets fly, and vhoom! The whole bar is on fire!

    D: Wait, so who was I passed out with in the corner? Hold on... on fire!?! They didn't bother to wake me!?! I mean, sure it looked different when I woke up, but I figured they just cleaned.

    T: They cleaned up because Shail had gotten covered in soot and someone... was it Gabrielle? thought he was a dark elf. Started screaming at him, but that's also a different story. So, yes, the whole bar is on fire, and Domingo shouts, "Flaming Galanese! My favorite drink!" and starts trying to lap up the bar!

    D: Who hasn't she screamed at? And hold on, I'm writing down all these stories we can save for another column. Huggable Rowan... Sooty Shail... got it. We can cut to the chase for our loyal reader now. Uh... readers, I'm sure.

    T: Yeah, both of them: you and me.

    D: You have too much faith in me I'm afraid.

    T: Yeah, well, knew you couldn't read.

    D: Hey now, when did this turn into a gossip column about me? And does this mean that until Domingo gets his mustache back, am I the more adorable one?

    T: Well, I'm not qualified to say. And we're out of space. Thanks for reading, folks, and feel free to let us know if you think Darklocke is the better-looking one--

    D: --Heh, no, please don't--

    T: --And that's all for this time, folks; that one there is Darklocke, the greatest poet in Areth...

    D: And that's Tomo, he's okay I guess.

    Darklocke "Too Sexy For A Last Name" (Michael Magelinski)
    Matsumoto "Gary" Tomohiko (David Leung)
    5 Fire 1601