Published whenever we feel like it.

47 Ash, 1602

All The News We Think You Need To Know

Miyaguchi Seiji rumored to be returning to the settlement. "Is this like the much-vaunted return of Andy Fyfe? I'm still not sure I believe he's actually returned," Steve Manuel was quoted as saying.

The Okian spymaster was not seen skulking around the back of the Light Tavern. Reports that the spymaster is or isn't banned from tavern haven't been confirmed or denied yet by the tavern staff.

Poll: Bran and Gared own the stone circle. What piece of land would you like to own?

Local man reduced to 1 point character. "I, umm, was, uh, playing with, uh, whashisname, uhh, Chance, and, yeah. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Uh, uh, I uh, bet everything, yeah. Uh huh. And, yeah. What?" Now known as Drool, the village idiot, he has set up a tin can for alms outside the main tavern. For those who don't know him, he looks distantly related to Nicodemus or Pete Moss.

In a surprising but welcome development, Gabrielle, initially verbally berating a local annoying man, quickly switched to her staff. "I carry the bloody thing -- oh great, now I'm talking like Durgan, too -- around, so I figured I'd put it to good use." Rumors that Morrigan may not have approved of Death spells were quickly dispelled when a few hours later, Morrigan was seen going house on the same person.

Reports that Gabrielle is now taking commissions to deal with other annoying settlers has not been verified.

This just in: Gabrielle is also going postal on people who spell her name with two l's. "See this list? Yeah. First up against the wall. You laugh, but after I drag that worthless editor out of Death, I'm going after that good-for-nothing poet."

Legends Feature-Length Movie In The Works

The script for a feature-length film set in the Legends world is apparently in progress. Our anonymous source couldn't name names, but he said it have some elements of a South Park episode, but not the same style. "After all, we already have people lamely bashing people on the mboard, and Max, Dave, and Mike write their damn newsletters, so I think we're OK for sarcasm."

No timetable has been set for the script's release.

The Return of "Ask Darky"

Author's note: Hello everyone, sorry I haven't been around to grant you all my wisdom and advice in the past few issues. I've really only managed to make a casual appearance in a line or two in these columns, and I'm the one with top billing! Well, it's not my fault, really. Tomo's a big stickler for these things he calls "deadlines." Well, he should know about it more than me, being the dead one. At any rate, I say I'll work on something, and really, I'll be thinking about it diligently almost twice a day for at least two weeks, and by then he's already thought of something much more clever. Or, at the very least, legible.

So in an effort to relieve some undue stress and perhaps assist me in my own inspired wisdom, I have invited Tomo to join me in attempting to offer advice to settler's questions. Enjoy!

Ask Darky and Tomo

Dear Darky:

There's this new guy in town and I just can't get him out of my mind! I don't know him at all, what kind of person he is other than that he's a sailor of some sort, but... it's the uniform! What is it about a guy in uniform?

- Flustered by Fashion

D: Geez, I ask you to join me and already you're chasing my people away!

T: Well come on, that would be an excellent thing to do, is have an "Ask the Fashion Experts" column from time to time! The first one can be about uniforms! Officers, militia, badges...

D: Death shrouds, funereal garb...

T: Hey!

D: Okay okay, so we'll refer the question about the uniform, but let me at least give this much advice...

T: Avoid the sailor?

D: Yeah, no kidding. His life his love and his lady is the sea and all that.

T: And he's probably just a putz in fancy clothes.

D: Seriously, Flustered, if you're into uniforms, keep an eye on the Guild. I hear they're going to be donning some sort of matching ensemble involving lots of silvery lace and, as my understanding the big point of argument is, either sienna or taupe cloaks with a unique chartreuse design of the Galenese trident that looks suspiciously like it is flipping what we back in Galen City referred to as "the bird."

T: I'll bet you're glad you're not around here anymore. Be kinda hard for you to skulk about the Dandalos manor late at night wearing those anklets that light up in pretty colors when you walk.

D: I don't skulk. But you saw the artist's conception of the outfit too, then?

T: Scary stuff. They should have written to our new Ask the Fashion Experts column!

D: *sigh* Very well. We'll talk them into doing a uniform column. But next time I'm doing this solo!

T: Right, liked you'd ever get anything in on time working on your own. Say, did we ever answer Flustered's question?

D: Who?

Demographics? We have demographics?

Picture this: A Kian Sheridan raised in Okia.

Only in New Galen would this be possibly common-enough to necessitate the use of the word "demographic."

Though, actually, ever since that Tomo guy kicked it, it's almost as though Okians aren't the big thing any more so much as barbarians.

Maybe a Sheridan Kia Barbarian?

We could call that group the ShishKiBarbs.

Editor's Note: This is Darklocke's fault. This is so not my fault. Well, except the typesetting.

Author's Note: Why is it most of my work usually involves placing the blame rather than assigning the credit? Oh well.