The Top 13 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"

1. New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
2. He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
3. Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.
4. Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
5. The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
6. Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
7. C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
8. Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
9. New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
10. Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
11. Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
12. The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.
13. Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

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