Star Trek
The Lost Episode

"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

"We had been pursuing generating multiple-personality disorder among them. It was a type of smorgas-borg strategy, but we quickly ascertained it doomed to failure.

"Yes, Captain. But we think we've found an answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

"What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?"

"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will propagate itself as a virus and begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to counter the virus or increase their storage capacity?"

"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it spawns a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The upgrade reproduces vertically, and the use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over just doing installs, upgrades, and resource allocation--none will be available for their ship's operational and battle functions. Eventually, they'll self destruct as their control systems fail."

"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

. . 15 Minutes Later . . .

"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

"Wait, Captain; I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

"Data, what do your scanners show?"

"Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

"Lets wait and see how long this can reduce their functionality."

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

"Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"

"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands. There's a lot of activity in their system administration sector--I have indications of mass confusion and a lot of arguments among the Borg section heads. "

"I have set up a subspace relay near their ship, and we are bombarding them with more code to sop-up any excess capacity. We are transmitting additional 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

"How much time will that buy us ?"

"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours."

"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

"Identify."

"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. GOVERNMENT INTERVENTION IS FUTILE. PREPARE TO BE BOARDED AND INJECTED WITH STARBUCK'S DOUBLE LATTES."

"Captain, the alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

"Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

"I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

"LAWYERS!!"

"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

True, but apparently some must have survived and reproduced as a colony. The humanoid features and facial expressions of the lawyers are all identical--they are clones, sir."

"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

"The paper layer is growing at approximately 3 cm per second. Once the layer gets to be 5 meters thick, the Borg ship engineering section will be heating the paper to 1050 degrees Celsius. The moment any oxygen emission is made from the atmospheric ballast systems, they will set fire to the whole ship.

"Turn off the monitors and let's get out of here. I can't stand to watch...not even the Borg deserve that."