PC mag. (Sept. 1992). "The Comedy (And Tragedy) Of Our PC Errors

It wasn't my goof, of course, but while I was trying to explain to a highly paid senior executive how to use a mouse by clicking on the appropriate icon, he picked up the mouse, held it right up to the screen, and clicked. I love it when they do as they're told.

-- Computer systems analyst

"In medical news, researchers now say that beer, wine and hard liquor can help to keep your heart healthy. That's good to know 'cause your heart is under a lot of strain when you're getting a liver transplant."

- Jay Leno

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house, then it will be empty again."

While giving a lecture on the mechanics of momentum and kinetic energy transfer, a physics professor noticed a student busily snoozing in the fourth row of the auditorium. He turned to a girl sitting in the first row and asked her what the result of a collision between two particles with masses, velocities, and trajectories that he specified would be. After a few seconds of thinking and calculating she came up with the correct answer.

The professor then awoke the sleeping student and said, "You! Same question!"

The student, a bit stunned and bleary eyed, looked around and replied, "Same answer."

After the laughter died down the professor turned around and said, "OK, you got me on that one, I won't call on you again..."

I think a friend who used to work at related a story about a customer support line (for a different company). The support person said something on the order of "You're not our only customer, you know," to which his reply was, "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."

This quote by a Nicaraguan official is taken from P.J. O'Rourke's "Holidays in Hell".

"They [La Prensa] accused us of suppressing freedom of expression. This was a lie and we could not let them publish it."

-- Nelba Blandon, Interior Ministry Director of Censorship, quoted in The New York Times, 1984

This program posts news to billions of machines throughout the galaxy. Your message will cost the net enough to bankrupt your entire planet. As a result your species will be sold into slavery. Be sure you know what you are doing. Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? [n/y] y

Seen in the "women seeking men" part of the "Phone-Match" section of the San Diego _Reader_ (freebie weekly newspaper):

ARROGANT ENGINEER WANTED. Educated, savvy brunette seeks tall, extremely intelligent, engineering type. Ex-geeks welcome. Social skills not necessary; will train. No drug or MS-DOS users.