From: croth@omnifest.uwm.edu (Chris Roth) Newsgroups: alt.censorship Subject: Howard Stern Transcripts Part 2 Date: 10 Jan 1996 11:36:55 -0600 Organization: Omnifest Lines: 930 Message-ID: <4d0tfn$1uq@omnifest.uwm.edu> FORWARDED FROM: /professional/law/first/supreme/broad(#106) From:croth(Chris Roth) FORWARDED FROM: /professional/law/first/excerpts(#118) From:croth(Chris Roth) FORWARDED FROM: /professional/law/first/excerpts(#108) From:croth(Chris Roth) FORWARDED FROM: /mail/cr/croth(#4022) From:croth(Chris Roth) FORWARDED FROM: /news/alt/censorship/articles(#31451) From:cair@world.std.com(Da vid M Goldstein) HS: Howard Stern RQ: Robin Quivers GR: Geraldo Rivera LK: Lenny Kravitz SG: Stacey Gillena WO: Woman in studio MV: Male Voice FC: Female Caller FV: Female Voice OCTOBER 30, 1991 RQ: Pee Wee Herman is trying to make a deal. He and well He wasn't, but his lawyers were in court down in Sarasota, Florida HS: If he makes a deal, don't shake his hand. RQ: And the new deal offered by the prosecution is that if Pee Wee pleads no contest then he would have to pay a $ 50 fine and do 50 hours of community service. HS: Good. Then elect him governor of Louisiana. It can't be any worse. RQ: So that would mean that the state would not try to press the issue and determine guilt and there would be, uh, eventually this would all go away. I suppose. HS: I see. RQ: And he would only have to pay $ 50 and do some community service. They are mulling over this offer at this time. Pee Wee was not required to appear in court because he is working on a movie. HS: Let me tell you this Pee Wee. If they are going to make him do public service, the service should be he should go to every movie theater in Sarasota and scrub the theater seats where guys drop their load. Because I'm going to tell you something that that's disgusting. Imagine I go to the movie theater and I'm sitting in Pee Wee's mess. RQ: It's interesting, because the other day the lawyers for Mr. Reubens decided they would try another argument to get him out of the case. They wanted the case dropped on the grounds that nudity is expected at a triple x-rated theater. So that Pee Wee was only doing what was expected. If he was nude at the time. HS: That's brilliant. That's some defense. because there's a movie on there you're allowed to whip it out and spew that evil gunk all over everybody. Now, I don't know about you but I've heard people actually say that this is not a serious offense. He did not hurt anybody. OCTOBER 31, 1991 HS: First of all I had a trauma as a child, which I don't mind admitting to you. RQ: Which was? HS: I was outside one night. I happened upon a house and I looked through the window inside the window, you'll be interested in this was my hispanic neighbor, humping a cancer ridden stripper. RQ: Oh stop it. You are sick. GR: Tell me more. right? HS: Her husband was in the other room. HS: Help me help me. where is my wife? HS: No let me tell you something. first of all, my parents first they gave me the genes to make me 6'5" with no penis to speak of. You're not an outcast. I couldn't even change in the locker room. GR: I heard that about you HS: Well it's true. Then they stuck me in a black neighborhood, you'd be crazed too. GR: I would have wet the bed too. HS: You're not kidding. it was a traumatic upbringing to say the least. There was a time I even hit on black women. HS: The closest I came to making love to a black woman was, I masturbated to a picture of Aunt Jemima. GR: Oh, come on. HS: On a pancake box. (Laughter) All right? And that was it. And then I heard Aunt Jemima died in a plane crash. GR: Were you really one of those two finger guys? HS: Yeah. (Laughter) Yeah, Geraldo, oh boy. No, I did it right on her kerchief. (Laughter) HS: You ever see "Truth Or Dare?" LK: No, I saw some of the clips and she. HS: Let me tell you something, the you tell me, you're a man of peace, this is a woman doing her makeup, right? LK: Right. HS: Kinda heavy. LK: Mmm. HS: So she gets drunk one night, and evidently she wakes up in a hotel and her ass is bleeding, all right. So. LK: Whose ass is bleeding? HS: The woman in the movie. LK: Right, right. HS: So she goes to Madonna, she says, listen, I woke up drunk, my ass is bleeding. LK: You're serious, this is in the film? HS: I'm being serious. LK: Okay. I think. HS: I think you might want to rent this. LK: Okay. HS: And she goes, my ass is bleeding Madonna, I woke up in a hotel, I know I was drunk, I was with a bunch of guys and I wake up and my ass is bleeding. I'm really upset. You know what Madonna does? LK: What? HS: She laughs. (Laughter) Has that ever happened to you? LK: Woke up with my ass bleeding? No. (Laughter) HS: I'm sick of this show. RQ: Let me tell you. HS: I got to get a legitimate career. HS: Who's she with Richard Gere? LK: Richard Gere. No. He wakes up with his ass bleeding sometimes. HS: What were you doing? I mean, Lisa is walking around the house, thinking she could trust you and you stand there staring at her underpants and stuff. Shannon, you'd be ashamed of yourself. Did you ever masturbate and think about Lisa? All the years you knew Lenny? RQ: (Laughs) LK: When he masturbates, he thinks about me. HS: He does. That's very sad. NOVEMBER 5, 1991 RQ: Meanwhile, Pee Wee Herman has taken the deal. HS: you see if men are allowed to masturbate in public will there be no stopping them? What will they do next. RQ: Do you really think this is anything more than a slap on the hand? HS: I'd like to Karate Pee Wee's penis. RQ: Laugh HS: Let me tell you something, I would be pretty upset if this Pee Wee was sitting behind me. X-rated or not Robin. I have been to x-rated movies, particularly as a young man. RQ: Umm. HS: in my teens. RQ: Which you should not have been able to get into anyway. HS: Right, true, I will not say no to that. But I have been to X-rated movies and if someone were sitting behind me, blurting their love juices all over the back of my seat, I got news for you. RQ: Let me tell you, let me tell you what this has led to. The other day, I was in a movie theater HS: Uhm. RQ: and, at the end of the movie, you know, when the lights come up, this man, HS: Your buttocks was bleeding. RQ: Stop it. HS: I know you told me about this off the air. RQ: And you laughed. No. HS: I didn't know you were going public with it. RQ: This man stood up. HS: Robin got out of the movie theater there was blood coming out of her buttocks. RQ: And I saw him buttoning his pants, buttoning his belt and then I said no. no. no. He's not and then zipping his fly. So what was he doing during this movie that his pants were completely undone. HS: He was staring at Fred Norris' picture, press photograph. (Laughter). HS: So was he the one who made you bleed? or was that something else? RQ: I was not bleeding. Will you stop that. HS: What Robin is talking about is if you go to a movie, I don't care what movie it is, RQ: This was a regular old movie. HS: When I go to a movie, I don't need a hail storm coming out of some guy's genitalia. And I see the Pee Wee's offense as being a serious one. Now I know people think I'm joking but I am absolutely not. If my daughters or my wife were in a movie theater and they came back with some pervert throwing a huge hail storm on to their backs. RQ: Wouldn't you be upset? HS: I'd sure as hell would. I'd beat the piss out of him. RQ: If you could find him. HS: Can't find him. RQ: Under the new deal that Pee Wee struck, he is going to have to pay a fine of $ 50 and perform 50 hours of community service. HS: That's disgraceful. He should have done jail time, hard time. RQ: He'd be free of a conviction on the misdemeanor charge because prosecutors said they would not seek a guilty finding. So no record. So how do you like that MTV audience when they stood up and cheered him and applauded for his masturbation. Shocking. RQ: He was arrested on July 26 after detectives said they saw him masturbating twice in 10 minutes. HS: Twice in 10 minutes. I, who am the head of the masturbation club. I, I run a masturbation society. I'm someone who is totally devoted to masturbation. I must tell you to do that twice in ten minutes is unbelievable. RQ: So Reuben's attorney says that this was an offer they could not refuse. Even though he insists that had it gone to trial, Pee Wee's innocence would have been proven. HS: Let me tell you something. I was watching that MTV show when these people stood up and started applauding. I was sickened. I said I wish that Pee Wee would come out and coat the whole front row with his love juice and really give it to them right in the face. And, as punishment, Pee Wee should be forced to sit in a tub of sperm. RQ: Oooh HS: Oooh that means feels good, or oooh bad. RQ: No. No. HS: Oh I see. HS: and then dunk him. RQ: His head has to go under? HS: His head has to go under Robin, and he can't shower for a month. That would be his punishment. RQ: Oh. HS: And I guarantee that he'd keep it in his pants for the rest of his life. RQ: You don't think he's learned a lesson from this. HS: Everybody feels bad for him because he's a celebrity. Just picture him not being a celebrity. Just some perv who's sitting behind you in a movie theater whipping it out and playing with himself all over the back of your seat. (sounds) Then ask yourself what you'd like done with him. Stop with the Pee Wee's play house. RQ: It's a sad day - a sad day. RQ: Yeah cause everybody says, you know, well CBS yanked his show off before there was even a trial. HS: Oh please. RQ: All that stuff. You know all the sympathetic people HS: God bless those hard working police officers in Sarasota who were able to uncover this horrible crime. RQ: Who had the time? HS: What's next? Pee Wee goes to church and puts a thumb in his ass? And what are we supposed to accept that as normal behavior? RQ: What will he do next? Where will it end, one never knows. HS: Well his name is Reubens, he probably goes to synagogue. RQ: Yes. HS: Will he put his thumb in his butt in the synagogue? In front of the head Rabbi? (laughter). RQ: I think not HS: Of course not. RQ: Its' sad, but what can you do? HS: Disgusting. Disgusting. RQ: We're in the minority. Everybody else thinks Pee Wee is fine. HS: Oh a minority. let me tell you something Robin. There are people giving standing ovations for this guy. RQ: That's right. I'm telling you we're fighting the tides. 1991? HS: I'm going to send them on a sailing trip together. Tom Geozono? and all the executives at WOR RQ: Wouldn't it be worth it to charter a boat. HS: Yeah RQ: After we find out about some really, like that storm that came up we should have had them on a boat then. HS: Right HS: Like Gilligan's island. RQ: (Laugh) HS: And I don't wish them harm. It would be great. Tom could go fishing with, ah, I'm thinking like ah. What's the general manager's name over at WOR? RQ: Oh goodness HS: Michael Alexander. RQ: Michael Alexander. HS: Tom and Michael Alexander going on a fishing trip. RQ: Could you imagine the conversation? HS: Oh it would be frightening. Two guys staring at each other. RQ: (Laugh). HS: Ah . . . and then underneath Fred I'd send them in scuba outfits to drill holes in the boat and it would sink. Tom Geozano forced to drink his own urine. RQ: Oh. HS: Oh it would be unbelievable. RQ: Wouldn't you love it? HS: Michael Alexander. (gargling noise) hey man don't bogart that urine, my friend. Pass it over to me. HS: Today in the news ladies and gentlemen, Michael Alexander and Tom Geozano forced to drink their own urine. (gargling noise). After what started out as a pleasant fishing trip, where the two of them had a lengthy conversation, Michael Alexander said (gargling) and, Tom Geozano said back (gargling sounds). Then they, Fred Norris drilled holes in the boat, they were stranded at sea and they drank their own urine. (gargling) On day 10 Geozano announced that he had to do a number 2. RQ: Oh no. HS: Michael Alexander announced lunch time and RQ: Oh geez. HS: That was the end of the party. RQ: Good bye. HS: Good bye ladies and gentlemen. That is our newscast and good night. NOVEMBER 7, 1991 HS: First I want to just strip and rape Mark and Brian, I want my two bitches laying there in the cold, naked, and I want them crawling on their knees to me, and I want them coming to their king and master. RQ: Well, I don't know if you want this rape imagery. HS: Yeah, I want it. RQ: Oh. HS: I'm sorry, you don't have to be tagged with it, I'll take it. RQ: (Laughs) HS: I want them bleeding from the buttocks. RQ: Oh. HS: I want them to wake up one morning and go, our buttocks' are bleeding. And then. RQ: You know we woke up in a hotel room. HS: Hey, my frickin' buttocks is bleeding. Then, then the guy is going, wait a second, what happened last night? Then, then they'll open the rating books, oh my god, we were raped by the ratings. It's gonna be beautiful. Stern's in town, our buttocks is bleeding, I don't get it. RQ: What happened? HS: Wait a second, oh, Howard Stern is here, no wonder our buttocks is bleeding. Creeps. NOVEMBER 15, 1991 [A parody of "The Honeymooners"] RALPH: Norton. I just found out that Alice can't accept the fruit of my loins. NORTON: Hey before you give her the fruit of your loins Ralphy, you gotta take off your fruit of the looms. RALPH: Very funny, Norton. Very funny. Hardy har har. It's just like you to making jokes when Alice can't get pregnant. NORTON: Hey this sounds serious Ralphy. RALPH: You bet. NORTON: What's the matter no lead in the pencil?. No grease in the gun. No stone in the baloney, Ralphy boy? RALPH: I'll just have you know Norton that Alice is the one that's infertile. NORTON: Hey. Alice is the problem. What's the matter Ralphy boy, no water in the canyon. No jing in the jang. No clams in the dam. No jelly in the smelly, Ralphy boy? RALPH: Norton. Will you shut up, Norton? Don't you realize that if I have no son, no Ralph Junior, it's the end of the Kramden line. NORTON: Why don't you try what some couple did in New Jersey? RALPH: What's that Norton? NORTON: What do you call. Artificial Interpretation Ralphy. That's where you take some of your love lava, you put it in the turkey baster Ralphy and you smear it on another woman's ovaries like a chinese window washer. Ralphy. Bing a di bang a di. Ya pay $ 10,000 to the woman and the kid is yours. Ralphy. RALPH: Really. NORTON: Yeah, there's Trixie all she's using her birth canal lately for a place to store my spare toilet plunger. I used to use for the sewer Ralphy. RALPH: I don't know. Norton. I just don't know. NORTON: Ah come on. Take this tupperware bowl, Ralphy, and a copy of Penthouse. RALPH: Great. NORTON: Take it in to the bathroom over there and I'll wait right here. How ya doing in there Ralphy. Ya ok big Ralphy. RALPH: Oh. . . . oh. . . . (sounds of delight) Wow. (implication is that he i s masturbating) NORTON: Hey big Ralphy. Check out page 43, Ralphy boy, there's some droopers on that babe. RALPH: Wow Norton. Oooh, Norton. NORTON: I'd like to pump 'em up. It's like a rusty ole RALPH: (Sound of flushing toilet). RALPH: Here Norton. Put this love lava in a safe place. I gotta rest a while here in the can. NORTON: All right there Ralphy boy. I'll close the door. NORTON: While you're recuperating Ralphy. I'm going to ask Trixie if she wouldn't mind renting out her baby gutter. Maybe I should put this pork chop chowder in the refrigerator for some safe keeping. I'll be back in a minute Ralphy boy. RALPH: Hey Norton. Norton. Where the hell did he go. Boy, I tell you sex makes me hungry. Wonder what Alice left me for lunch. I'll check into the refrigerator here. Oh boy. Custard. I just love custard. (He's eating it). Mmmmm. This is one of Alice's best recipes. I'll tell you. Oh boy. NORTON: Hey, Ralphy. Ralphy boy. What ya eating over there Ralphy? RALPH: Don't bother me Norton there's only enough custard here for one. NORTON: But Ralphy boy, let me just say this RALPH: Just this one time, Norton, I'm going to eat this custard by myself. NORTON: But Ralphy boy, I'm not sure you should be eating that custard. I mean it ain't custard. RALPH: What are you talking about Norton? NORTON: I said it's not custard there, Ralphy boy. RALPH: Well if its not custard, then what is it? NORTON: Well it's not a what, Ralphy, it's a who. RALPH: A who, Norton. NORTON: You're eating up Ralphy Junior. RALPH: Oh my god. I'm going to be sick. (throw up noises). NORTON: Hey Ralphy boy. Look at the bright side, you may have lost a son but you gained a pound. [Song] Robin. From the moment I heard you, doing news . . . Your breasts fill my thoughts when I'm dreaming . . . Touch me where there's circumcised juice. Robin. You're so beautiful on the TV show. You've got a booming system. Robin. When you check yourself for breast cancer. Let me, give you assistance. Robin. HS: Boy. What I wouldn't do for you if you were my girlfriend. Jesus. man oh man. You'd get the full treatment. You'd get that rocket of love. The hot beef injection. WO: I'll take it. HS: Oh you would? All right you are not a bad girl at all. You're a good girl that's what you are. No wonder you're Miss English Leather. RQ: Any other titles, besides? HS: Miss Howard Stern. WO: Oh that's a nice title. I don't mind that one. RQ: Geez. I could see that sash. HS: Yeah. That's a big sash. WO: What else. I'm also coming out in the hot rod magazine, American Rodder. HS: My god it's crowded in my pants. Man oh man you you shave completely? WO: Just about. I like those skimpy bikinis, what else are you gonna do. HS: Really. I'll give you $ 50 if you let me see. WO: 50 bucks. RQ: What? I didn't even hear that. You offered her money. HS: Excuse me, Robin, I'm negotiating. She heard it. Have you ever won Miss spread eagle? WO: No HS: Too bad. RQ: So, in Miss Rodder, are you in a bikini? WO: Yes. American Rodder. It's a whole layout. HS: It's hot rod. $ 65. WO: No. But I brought you Howard a gift today. HS: What's that? WO: This is my own poster. I came out with my own poster. HS: No. Let's talk about a different poster. HS: Do you shave completely? WO: Yes. Pretty much so. HS: What do you use a razor or an electric shave? WO: A daisy. HS: Yeah. What, every morning in the shower. Like you just. WO: Yeah. Its' easy. HS: You do it yourself. You don't get any bumps or anything? WO: No. I'm dutch and German. I'm light. I have no problem. HS: Do me a favor. Can you stand up so I can see if you have any bumps. Razor bumps. Any hair on your butt? Turn around. Wow. Look at that, nothing. Boy, you're a real woman. I had a transsexual in here yesterday and I wanted to vomit. Guy had a big flat ass like a man. RQ: You'd better be a good boy. HS: No, I can't be good because it's the weekend. (Unintelligible) RQ: You're going to lose all of us our jobs. HS: You think I'd say penis? RQ: Oh no. HS: I don't care what the FCC says. Where is the FCC? RQ: Somebody stop him. HS: Hey FCC, penis. RQ: Put your hand over his mouth. (Laughter). HS: I don't care, it's the weekend, baby. RQ: It's a stampede in here, you can't say that (stampede sound effect). HS: Yeah, I don't care. I do draw the line at vagina. Whoa, whoa, I can't believe I just said that word. RQ: That's it. Here they come. HS: Uh, ooh, here comes the thought police, I don't believe it baby. Oh my goodness. Oh, look at those horses. They're going to trample over you, Robin. RQ: Watch out. (Laughter). [Magic Johnson Song Sung by Howard Stern] Did you have sex with Magic. He's got the HIV. He could have infected you and you'd be diseased. Oh that Magic, when he banged you good. He didn't wear rubbers though he knew that he should. If he'd worn a condom you could probably relax. Protection is important when you're nude on your back. No one was safe with Magic. When he hit the road. A dangerous penis when he dropped his load. Take Magic to cure you of AIDS. Soon you could weigh as much as you did in second grade. It's tragic about Magic and this awful thing why couldn't it have happened to Larry King. Do you believe poor Magic and the sad sad truth. He should have used a Trojan or watched Dr. Ruth. Oh that Magic. He got horny and loonie. He should have gone with Pee Wee to some porno movie, although he would have been arrested pretty quick. Simple masturbation doesn't get you that sick. Can you believe in Magic. Believe that Magic could have used control instead of using women like a hockey goal. I don't know. Oh man. Is Eddie Murphy nervous and Arsenio? I'm talking magic. [Discussion about Michelle Pfeiffer]. HS: Buy me a nice ranch. Be there banging away all day and night. RQ: Fisher Stevens, I think his name is. HS: Fisher Stevens. You put me in Fisher Stevens' shoes, boy, and I'll show you one satisfied Michelle Pfeiffer. That girl couldn't walk she'd be so sore. She wouldn't know what hit her. Between the vibrators. I would not even need a vibrator. I'd go right in digging for gold. You are not kidding. I'd do everything to her. What ever you want honey. Just go do another movie. Make another 50 million. If you don't mind I'm gonna take care of the ranch. I'll mess around with my hobbies. I'm going to relax. I'm going to sleep in tonight. You don't worry about a thing darling. Boy her rump would be more black and blue than a Harlem cub scout. I'm not kidding Robin. November 17, 1991 HS: And copy my style, and then when I come to town suddenly they have no career and Mark and Brian are going to suffer and pay for what they've done to me. FC: They're horrible, they're horrible. No way. HS: Two little pussies with their dildos, that's what's going to happen to them. That's what, they're going to be crawling into a hole. Little freaks. You're finished because you steal from me and you know it. Why don't you 'fess up. How about that kid who called. November 20, 1991 HS: Let me tell you something, since we found out that you like sex where the rest of us wipe. RQ: I don't love it. November 25, 1991 HS: Why don't you guys cut your penises off? Now I'll watch that. RQ: Oh good, this week we're going to be in boot camp and not cut our hair. Okay. HS: Oh gee. RQ: (Laughs) HS: Living on the edge. You two little pussies are going right down the tubes. You think you're TV show was cancelled, wait 'til you get smacked with your radio show going down. Mark and Boring, little pussies, hate you. Steal my material. Oh, we never heard of 'em before. Yeah, two Okies from Musgokee and you never heard of me before. Pretty obvious what's going on in Los Angeles, every day people turning off Mark and Boring and coming over to us. HS: I think that's a real act of perversion to, to masturbate in a public place. I, even though it is an X-rated theatre FV: It was a triple-X rated theatre. HS: Whatever, I've been to that triple-X rated theatre and I'm going to tell you something, I've been to a lot of triple-X rated theatres. FV: Now, I've never been to one. HS: Now let me tell you something. FV: Aren't there people in there doing that? HS: Ah, once in awhile you'll sit down and some guy will be doing it, and you say to yourself, you know it's a sexy movie but do I want some guy shooting his love gunk all over me? FV: (Laughs) HS: I mean, it's indecent. What I would do is I'd go watch the movie, then when I go home I would masturbate. I'd be too embarrassed to masturbate there in the theatre. FV: Yeah. HS: I have a certain civility about me. FV: I see. HS: A certain "Je ne sais quoi." RQ: Let me ask you another question. FV: I don't know what? HS: Yeah. FV: He does. I don't what. HS: I have a certain, I don't know what. RQ: But ah. FV: But you also stop masturbating when your wife comes in the room. HS: Of course. RQ: So he doesn't do it in front of anybody. HS: Right. FV: You don't do it in front anybody even though. HS: Well, that's for a very personal reason, I don't want my wife to think I'm some kind of pervert. FV: But did you ever think of it. If you said watch me. HS: Eddie maybe I don't want a personal therapy session on the air. OK FV: Maybe if you said watch me, you would not have to RQ: It would cure them? HS: No. I don't want to be cured. Masturbation is a dirty act. It should be done alone. That's why they call it masturbation. FV: No. No. No. It just means to do, you know. HS: I know what it means I'm a master at it. You'd think that if I practice at something that much, I'd better know what it means. FV: You are the master bader. Yeah. HS: My point is, for a guy to go to an X-rated theater and masturbate, even though it's an x-rated theater, RQ: And so what if everyone else is doing it. HS: To me its an act of perversion. FV: But what are 6 vice cops doing there in the middle of the afternoon? RQ: Looking for him. HS: Regardless of the fact that there were guys there, the cops are doing their job. FV: And, they waited until the movies were over, that was the thing. RQ: They were polite. FV: Why didn't they take them inflagrante? HS: They needed evidence. RQ: Inflagrante? FV: Yes, why didn't they take them inflagrante? Why didn't they do it while they were spewing forth their precious bodily fluids. HS: Would you like me to spew forth and have you grab me? No. FV: Why didn't they get a baggie out and take evidence. NOVEMBER 26, 1991 [Discussion of Santa fondling two children] HS: The kids sit on the lap. But, how does the guy make the move in front of all these people. RQ: Here's what happened. They don't tell me specific incidences. But he was booked after parents of two eight year olds told police that the Spybick (?) fondled the boys' genitals over the week end. HS: Ho ho ho. You want some toys my son? Play with Mr. Goose. RQ: When you get the kid on your lap and you're in that Santa suit. I suppose with all the fur and everything, your hands can sort of disappear. Ya know. Nobody can actually see what you're up to. HS: Yes son there's a Santa. And he's got a boner. HS: Have you seen Mark's penis yet? MV: No, have you. HS: Oh yeah. I paid $ 1500. I paid $ 1000 to see it. But I saw it. MV: What does that make Mark. HS: For the hungerthon. MV: What does that make Mark if you gave him $ 1000 to drop his pants. HS: He's a whore. HS: Mark Chernoff is such a big pussy. RQ: Why are you saying that now? HS: Because he won't say WNEW sucks either. He does not have eye of the tiger either. RQ: This doctor has found a way to lengthen the penis. WO: No. We had the girthing before RQ: No. This isn't girthing. HS: Go ahead because I'm there. I would lengthen my penis in two seconds flat. You know why. WO: Even if they had to kinda take it apart and put those braces on and twist on it every day. HS: Nope. Is that what they have to do? RQ: What he says here is that they have to take now I don't know. They cut two ligaments. HS: Go ahead. WO: Ouch RQ: The doctor says "I discovered that by cutting two ligaments, I could extend the penis." HS: How long? RQ: He tried it on a peasant son. This is in China of course. WO: The peasants, we can practice on them. Where's Dr. Mengele when you need him. RQ: Yeah, just get me one of those peasant over there. HS: Yeah, just get me one of those peasants boys, they won't miss their penis. RQ: The operation was such a success the man married in 1986 and had a child a year later. HS: So let me get this straight. By cutting the two little ligaments in my penis it will allow it to stretch out. RQ: That's what this guy says. So they start off the article talking about this guy, Chin, whose in his hospital bed recovering from the operation. WO: Oh, Chin. I so happy. I so happy. I marry you now HS: Now my penis is an inch long. WO: I so happy, you make me a woman. RQ: They say the doctor comes in, he whips back the sheets, whipped out a ruler and measured Mr. Chin's penis. HS: Where are you getting this, by the way? RQ: This is from a Canadian paper. Somebody faxed it in to me. HS: All right I'll go along with that. WO: Did they check the ruler. Which ruler did they use before and which ruler did they use after? HS: You know what's amazing. The doctors in China are really amazing people they make your penis grow but the media really sucks. This is from a paper in Canada. The Chinese paper could not even get this out. WO: No. No. They could not. RQ: So when he put the ruler next to Mr. Chin, he yells out 9.5 centimeters. HS: Eureka. WO: Now what does centimeters that's like two inches. RQ: Well what is 9.5 centimeters? HS: Jackie knows that stuff. MV: It's 2.54 cm per inch. WO: So that's about 2 1/2 RQ: So were talking at least 4. WO: 9. What? RQ: 9.5. MV: Yeah all right. Four. HS: Four inches. RQ: So, he was four inches, just laying there. HS: Three and half inches can you handle that Eddie? MV: Not wide enough. HS: Not wide enough. That's the problem. WO: Yes I'm looking for the devil's diesel rig. He has eighteen wheels coming at me. RQ: Mr. Chin said I wasn't normal. Before the operation, he had been just three centimeters long. WO: What, that's about a inch? HS: That's 0 inches in America RQ: 1.18 inches WO: Good on the calculations Jackie. RQ: So he travelled 2,400 Km from his home. WO: How many miles is that Jackie? HS: Yeah, come on Jackie MV: That's 4 1/2 million inches. RQ: I love reading stories from foreign countries. HS: Yeah km and cm WO: Why can't we go metric. All the rest of the world is metric. HS: Because we're too stupid to figure it out. WO: Yes we're just too stupid. We go by Quarts and pecks and HS: I have no problem with that RQ: I'm happy with it. HS: Let the rest of the world adjust to us, thank you. RQ: Now, Mr. Chin says he can go and look for a wife. This was holding him back. WO: You have to have a certain length before you can (unintelligible). RQ: Apparently, in China, now the women have become more liberated and they have become more demanding sexually. WO: Ooh. Don't bind my feet, don't bind my soul. RQ: So if their husbands cannot satisfy them, they say bye bye. It's not the same way as it used to be. WO: They're divorcing them? RQ: Yeah. All these guys are rushing to Dr. Long the guys name is. HS: Dr. Long? Ok. Let's go. That's not a real story. RQ: Yeah. It is too. WO: Someone made it up in a print shop and sent it to you and you bought it. HS: Alright, what else is in the news, Robin? You just lost all credibility. HS: Dr. Long. What about Nurse Vagina, is she working there too? NOVEMBER 27, 1991 [Talk with Stacey Gillena (SG) from Knots Landing]. HS: Hey I've done stuff to myself and thought about you. RQ: Oh dear. SG: Oh my god. What have you done? RQ: Do you really have to announce that to a person? HS: I'm not kidding. One time I was laying in bed, right? You understand that I go to bed early. In order to get to bed early, I have to have some kind of sex and my wife is not always available because she is putting the kids to bed. You understand what I'm saying. SG: Wait how many kids do you have?. HS: Two. And what a mess you caused. SG: Oh no. what? HS: My whole bed was a messy. SG: Oh shut up. RQ: You are just awful. HS: I'm being serious. So I'm thinking about you. So I meet you and you're just wearing like panties. SG: You met me in your dream? HS: Well no dream. I mean. I just conjured you up. If you know what I mean. I pictured you in thong panties. Do you wear those kind? do you wear G-string panties. SG: Yeah, I do. I have them. HS: I pictured you in G-string panties. And like no bra on. But just like, you know one of those little cut off t-shirts, Robin, where the top the breasts hang out the bottom a little bit. SG: Gross what do you think I have, like, saggy breasts? HS: No, no, no. It's so short, the top, that the bottom half of your breasts stick out. RQ: You can't help it. SG: Oh. Got it. Got it HS: And you started coming on to me and we were making out and then you I did everything to you. But I mean everything. RQ: This all happened in how many seconds? HS: It just takes me like a minute or two. RQ: And all of this was going on. HS: I could not concentrate on her the whole time. It has to be someone I've been with. RQ: Oh I see. SG: Now. What now. I did stuff to you or you did stuff to me? HS: I did stuff to you the whole time. You were pretty, actually lazy in bed. HS: You ever bang a guy during a love interest scene? SG: You mean really? HS: Yeah. SG: No. RQ: Does it ever lead to any love off-screen though? HS: Yeah, does a guy ever get aroused? Cause I know if I did a love, there would be no room on the screen for my boner. They would have to throw me right out. Right, Robin? RQ: That's right. HS: Robin knows, Robin just had her face. Never mind where her face was. HS: But. Man you are really cute. SG: Lets do it Howard. I'm going to talk to the producers ya know. It can be like an abusive kind of thing, where you like come in, you rough me up a little bit. HS: Ya know what I do. I tie you to my radiator and stretch you. SG: Cool. I love it. HS: That would be so cool. HS: Nicolet walks like Harry is slamming her too hard. Bowlegged or something this year. You know what I'm talking about, Robin? Have you seen it all? RQ: I haven't seen it. HS: I swear to god, you think this guy has got the big. RQ: Oh dear. HS: The big hot beef injection, 'cause I'm telling you, you could be the new sex symbol on the show. HS: Talk to your producer and see if I can't either bang you or the black chick. Be just a one shot deal. I come on. I'll do that show. I've been approached by every show since we got on in Los Angeles. I would do that show. I'm this disc jockey. And one of you falls in with me. I tie you up to my radiator and stretch you out. HS: Look at this guy, he sells the advertising time, MV: Yeah. RQ: He's like a one-man band. HS: He writes all the articles for the magazine, do you have a broom in your ass so you sweep up too? I can just picture him, like, taking pictures with a broom in his ass and like typing. RQ: Typing and sweeping. HS: Squeezing his cheeks together. Get the place cleaned up before the Colins(?) come in. DECEMBER 5, 1991 RQ: A state health department panel has revoked the license of a 61 year old Brooklyn doctor who it determined had masturbated behind a patient's back while he was examining her. HS: Really. So, in other words, you're telling me that if your a doctor you're not allowed to masturbate behind anyone's back while you're examining her. RQ: Apparently not. I don't know that they had made that clear before. HS: I know guys who went to medical school, they never once really said that you can't. HS: These are guys who studied their whole lives. And who really did not have much social contact. They were busy planning for a medical career. You don't learn all the social amenities. You don't know you're supposed to not masturbate. You could make that argument. These guys never dated a lot and now all of a sudden they've got naked women and stuff in their offices. It's hard not to masturbate. RQ: Let me just say this, the doctor, Harold Mendelbaum. HS: Harold Mendelbaum, very proud of yourself Mr. Mendelbaum? RQ: He says that he was not doing what they have accused him of. He has prostatitis. HS: Well I've had that, so I know what he's talking about. RQ: He's suffered from a prostate problem that made him involuntarily secrete urine. MV: Oooh. HS: But do you have to do that in front of the patients? RQ: Yeah couldn't you leave the office? Well the panel found him to be not credible and they found his testimony contrived, inconsistent and false. HS: You know. Seriously if you were going to put me on the stand, I could come up something better than that. You got to understand something, I ah. Wash my penis, I sterilize my hands, my feet and my penis before I examine my patients. And, if you think that's wrong, ladies and gentlemen, you're out of your mind. Because there's lots of disease on penis. And so I scrub up my penis and if you interpret that as masturbation ladies and gentlemen, then fine, I hope your doctor doesn't wash his penis before he operates on you. Thank you ladies and gentlemen, good night. RQ: The 29 year-old Manhattan business woman who made these accusations, says that Mendelbaum held a stethoscope to her back with one hand for five minutes, while she took deep breaths. HS: Hey Jackie didn't Mendelbaum work on your feet. MV: Son of a gun. RQ: She had been suffering from a cough. And became unnerved when she noticed that he was breathing heavily and quickly, and then heard his gown rustle. Why was he in a gown. HS: Why is his gown called Russell? Who names their gown? RQ: He shuddered, she said, and when she turned her head, she said she saw him picking up his pants. HS: This is not that unusual. When I was young I had a doctor who took a dump on that white paper. RQ: Oh stop it. HS: Oh yeah RQ: Then the doctor moved to the back of the room wiped himself off with a towel and left the room. HS: I'm disgusted. RQ: He's married with three children. Oh dear. DECEMBER 6, 1991 HS: There are people who would do anything to get on TV. RQ: Yeah, but as a blue dot? (Laughs) HS: Yeah, but it's a start. You know what I mean. It's show business. RQ: You know they could sit there and dodge, so that they could. HS: Yeah, I don't know, I'm just very nervous about TV in general. You know what I mean? People, people's desires to get on. I've seen people light their penises on fire to get on TV. RQ: That's true. HS: I'll tell you about the Hollywood Walk of Fame, if I go to Hollywood again, I'm going to take a dump on Rick Dees' star. (Laughter) Right. Thank you Carol. I'm going to take, does her laugh annoy you? RQ: It just breaks your concentration. HS: Yeah, yeah, it's. FV: I'm sorry, I won't laugh. HS: No, no. I'm just kidding. You're very beautiful, believe me. Any guy would want to get his hands on you, and that's the important thing. If, no seriously, that's what I will do. RQ: You're going to take a dump. HS: Yep, I'll tell you what, if California, if Los Angeles makes me number one, they take our show and give us the number one slot, I will take a dump on Rick Dees' star. RQ: You will not. HS: That's what I'm saying. What do you think of that? RQ: I don't think you're going to do it. HS: And I'll wipe. RQ: Like get rid of this tape and forget about it. HS: I will wipe my ass with Jay Thomas' star. (Laughter) What do you think of that, Robin? I'm making that vow right now. RQ: I don't want to be there when you do this. HS: I'm doing it. You are going to be there. RQ: No way. HS: I'm going to take a dump on Jay Thomas' star and Rick Dee's star.