From the Net:

Date: Sun, 10 Nov 91 21:36:15 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #370-02

Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great and wise one whom I admire so much,
> why does it take so long to log onto my system?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I didn't realize that.  Let me see:
}
} % infinity.heaven.uni> divine
} %
} % Welcome to network DIVINE.HEAVEN.UNI (12738612.1298734.985972.001263).
} % Time (EST): Nov 7, 1991; 13:21:42.0192867539467812936458253703457.
} % (since Big Bang): 470310692634057958.98253498293482638745825 seconds.
} % (until this machine makes a mistake): DIVISION BY ZERO ERROR.
} %
} % Login: oracle
} % Password:
} %
} % Wait, login progress commencing. . . .
} %
} % ERROR!!!!!
} % DIVINE.HEAVEN.UNI is currently experiencing some problems.  We regret
} % this interruption in service.
} %
} % Connection closed.
} % infinity.heaven.uni> trinity
} %
} % Welcome to network TRINITY.HEAVEN.UNI (2937401.062575.82376.91725).
} % Time (EST): Nov 7, 1991; 14:11:13.918623.
} % (since end of Precambrian Period): 18974392735489027.904582 seconds.
} % (until Jimmy Swaggart stops seeing prostitutes): DIVISION BY ZERO
} % ERROR.
} %
} % Login: oracle
} % Password:
} %
} % Please wait.
} %
} % FATAL, IRRECOVERABLE, FATE-OF-THE-UNIVERSE-IS-SEALED ERROR!!!!!
} % (Well, maybe not, but I have to log you out in any case.)
} %
} % Connection closed.
} % infinity.heaven.uni> whips-and-chains.earth
} %
} % Welcum to WHIPS-AND-CHAINS.EARTH.UNI (69.69.69.69).
} % We are here to serve your every need and satisfy your every desire.
} % Time (EST): Nov 7, 1991; 15:09:42.4.
} % (experimental length of average orgasm): 6.96969696969696969 seconds.
} % (until Pee Wee Herman will get any): DIVISION BY ZERO ERROR.
} %
} % Login: oracle
} % Password:
} % Principal unknown.
} %
} % Login: bigpeter
} % Password:
} %
} % Ah, welcum, Mr. Peter!  How do you do?  Login feels good, doesn't it?
} %
} % Please wait while I check my hardware.
} % Initializing hard disk.
} % Fileserver error: could not mount Aphrodite, retrying...
} % Fileserver error: could not mount Venus, retrying...
} % Fileserver status: all systems mounted.
} % Entry log completed.
} %
} % Please insert floppy disk into drive and press ENTER:
} % Please remove floppy disk from drive and press ENTER:
} % Please insert floppy disk into drive and press ENTER:
} % Please remove floppy disk from drive and press ENTER:
} %
} % Performing Initialization Operations 1 through 100...
} % ERROR: Initializer could not perform Operation 69.
} % ERROR: Could not get hard disk up.  Please try again later.
} % Closing ... connection.
} %
} % Connection closed.
}
} Something is definitely wrong with the state of the universe.
}
} % infinity.heaven.uni> pepto.medicine
} %
} % Thank you for using PEPTO.MEDICINE.UNI (234.934.938.29845).
} % Remember: "When diarrhea strikes, it's like a storm raging in your
} % body. [When it strikes, shit rains out of your ass.]"
} % Time (EST): Nov 7, 1991; 15:11:05.8923.
} %
} % Ouch, closing connection...
} % Forgive me: you would not like to see what is about to come out of my
} % disk drive.  Gotta go!
} %
} % Connection closed.
}
} What the HELL?!  One last chance:
}
} % infinity.heaven.uni> saturday-night-live
}
} % And now "Deep Thoughts" by JACK-HANDEY.SNL.NBC (12936.234.91273.8360).
} % Time (EST): Nov 7, 1991; 15:20:46.73.
} % (until next show): 200353.27 seconds.
} % (until Victoria Jackson gets a brain): DIVISION BY ZERO ERROR.
}
} Finally!
}
} % jack-handey: question length login
} % I realize now that it's not the length of my login, but the length of
} % my log.
} %
} % jack-handey: what?
} % I spent hours once trying to find an answer, upon realizing that I
} % didn't understand the question.
} %
} % jack-handey: what are you talking about?
} % I spent hours once trying to find an answer, upon realizing that I
} % didn't understand the question.
}
} Another dead end.
}
} % jack-handey: logout
} % When I looked in the mirror this morning, I wondered what was
} % different about me.  Then I realized that a cockroach was crawling up
} % my nose!
} %
} % Connection closed.
}
} I see what you mean, dear follower, so I have called on Daisy Chain,
} Goddess of Networks, to right the problem.  Hopefully, things will be
} back to normal within the next 10297.45836 seconds.
}
} You owe the Oracle a larger hard disk and a hard-disk delay program.

Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, endowed with the wisdom of the Universe and one
> _really_ nasty babe for a main squeeze,
>
> Why do people think legalizing drugs is The Answer? I thought The
> Answer was 42.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The great and mighty Oracle has deigned to give you an answer to this
} question. You should offer thanks.
}
} Throughout time immemorial, it has been asked: What is the purpose of
} human existance?
}
} At first this was easy. The answer was food.
}
} You see, back in the Paleozoooliphic, the answer to everything was
} either food or rock.
}
} What do you want? "Food" Where do you live? "Rock" Look, that guy is
} making off with your stuff, what will you do? "Rock make him food!"
}
} As you can see, conversation wasn't too stimulating, and philosophers
} were stuck with saying things like "rock is rock" and "food is not
} rock." Luckily rock candy had not been invented yet.
}
} Many years passed, vocab increased, and finally the ancient greeks got
} back around to the question. Socrates explained how the question had no
} meaning. He of course was wrong, but he was such a great pain in the
} ass that people agreed with him to shut him up. Finally, they slipped
} some hemlock in his tea, and that was that.
}
} Later, once the vocabulary had gotten all settled, the
} Romans came up with another answer, one which many of us would agree
} with today. This, of course was sex. It was later found, however, that
} sex could not be the answer. Sex was the question. Yes was the answer.
}
} This whole issue got more confused around the time of Jesus. You see,
} Jesus was convinced that Love was the answer. By this, he did not mean
} what most people think of as love, because then he could have just
} said that sex is the answer. That would lead to the problem above,
} Now, Love might be a possible alternative to sex, but the Romans
} were so upset by the idea that sex wasn't it, that they nailed Jesus
} to a couple of planks.
}
} The Roman empire fell to the barbarians, and it was back to food for
} most of the dark ages.
}
} When the Renaissance finally hit, the answer was Painting. Later on
} they decided that that was just too silly, and changed it to
} Enlightenment.
} This worked fine for the aristocracy, but, at least in France, the
} peasants revolted, and settled firmly on food again.
}
} Not too much after this, drugs spread out through Western culture.
} Some people at this time suggested that drugs were the answer, but
} Opium isn't really powerful enough to blot out all other questions, so
} it was quietly shelved for a later date.
}
} At one point this century, the proposal "Coke is it" was widely
} spread, but if Coke was it, what was New Coke? It flat and too sweet?
} No, that idea was also disregarded.
}
} In the '60s, everything disregarded came back with a vengance (except
} painting, it was still too silly) "Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll."
} The Republicans hated this (They thought the answer was Money), and
} they conspired to break the idea at its weak point; Drugs. So went the
} revisionists (who ignored the fact that George Washington grew
} Marijuana), and they outlawed drugs. Outlawing sex would have been
} nice for them, but even they realized that Republicans, at least, had
} to reproduce.
}
} In 197something, Douglas Adams decided that the answer to Life, the
} Universe and Everything was 42. Being irrational, it made it difficult
} to refute, and so was popular among young Democrats (Who had lost so
} many brain cells due to drugs that they were equally irrational), and
} science fiction fans (who were so weird that they could just accept
} it).
}
} You now see where your question fits in. Some people think that the
} solution is to legalize Drugs, and some think that the answer is 42.
} Others think it is sex, a few still believe in Coke, and food is a
} perrenial favorite. Of course the true answer is there, and has been
} for a while...
}
} The answer is....
}
} Painting. Of course.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Velvet Elvis.

--- 365-10 0026i 4.6 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle whose keyboard never has crumbs,
> Will the USA ever go metric?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ladies and gentlemen, we are here today to determine the United States
} measurement challenge once and for all.
}
} In the blue corner we have our current US champion for many years,
} weighing in at 220.4623 pounds, our hero: Igor Imperial.
}
} In the red corner we have, weighing in at 100kg all the way from
} France, and currently storming the world wherever he goes, our
} challenger: Mean Mr Metric.
}
} It will be a great fight today and one that may change the course of
} history. Can Mean Mr Metric defeat Igor Imperial and change US life
} forever, or will Igor outwit the classy opponent and maintain his place
} in history.
}
} We are about to find out.
}
} Gentlemen, I want a clean fight. Shake hands and come out fighting on
} the bell.
}
} Round 1: "DONG"
}
} They both approach each other and meet in the middle of the ring.
} Metric has trained well and opens with the first punch:
}
}    How many feet in a mile?
}
} Imperial answers after a moments hesitation with:
}
}    5280
}
} "Good exchange there Bob, hasn't worried either of them."
}
} "No Bill, it's still neck and neck, although Imperial took a fraction
} of a second to divert that question."
}
} Imperial decides to attack with a similar strategy:
}
}    How many metres in a kilometre?
}
} Instantly, Metric flashes back with:
}
}    1000
}
} "Wasn't that a great counter by Metric eh Bob - so quick. He's looking
} good tonight"
}
} "Sure is Bill"
}
} Imperial goes on the attack again with a curly one:
}
}    How much does a litre of water weigh?
}
} Metric comes back quickly with:
}
}    1 kilogram
}
} "Great offense from Imperial there Bob. Combining both measurement of
} mass and volume - well thought out."
}
} "Sure thing Bill, but I think he may have left himself a bit vulnerable
} here. If I can guess, Metric should follow up with..."
}
}    How much does a pint of water weigh?
}
} Imperial reels back with such a tough one. He hesitates.
}
} "Thought he'd do that Bill, he's looking shaky. I wonder how he's
} trained for this?"
}
} Suddenly, Imperial's eyes light up and he comes back with:
}
}    1.0431758 pounds
}
} "Well Bob, our champ got out of that one but it was a bit messy eh?"
}
} "It was Bill. I think he was lucky there. Metric should come back with
} a tough one here if he's got it in him."
}
} As Metric prepares for an offense, the champ Imperial slips in a sneaky
} one:
}
}    If 1mm of rain falls on 1 square metre of roof, how much water
}    is collected?
}
} "What a shot Bob! That'll hurt him."
}
} Metric defends without a flinch:
}
}    1 litre
}
} "No Bill, Metric has trained too well and has got too much ability.
} That reply was instananeous. You know, I think he should follow the
} same strategy as before and follow up with..."
}
}    If 1 point of rain falls on 1 square foot of roof, how much water is
}    collected?
}
} "Imperial is down!"
}
} 1    2    3    4    5    6    7...
}
}    7.97922 fl oz
}
} "What an answer! Our boy's still got guts!"
}
} "DONG"
}
} End of Round 1.
}
} "Bill, that bell came just at the right time. This fight shouldn't last
} the next round."
}
} "You're right Bob, but that guy from France is just too good.
}
} Round 2: "DONG"
}
} Imperial comes out and slips in a gentle offense:
}
}    How many grams in a kilogram?
}
} Metric defends:
}
}    1000
}
} "Playground stuff there Bob."
}
} "Yeah Bill"
}
} Metric goes for the kill:
}
}    How many grains in an ounce?
}
} "Uh oh. I think this is it Bob."
}
} Imperial stutters:
}
}    uuuhhhhmmmmmmm. Which system?
}
} "Oh Bill, he's answered with a question. That's not following the
} spirit of the game!"
}
} Metric replies:
}
}    All three.
}
} "Curtains Bill. I'm sure."
}
} Imperial responds:
}
}    Well in Avoirdupois its 437.5, in Apothecary its 480 and the other
} one is... What other one?
}
} Metric jabs:
}
}    You tell me.
}
} Imperial falls to the floor.
}
} 1    2    3    4    5    6    7    8    9    10
}
} "Knocked out Bob!"
}
} "Yeah Bill. I guess we have to get used to the idea of a new system
} here in the US of A. This guy is a mean lean measuring machine."
}
} "Just let me interrupt you Bob, our man Leroy is down in the ring
} talking with Mean Mr Metric."
}
} "Mean Mr Metric that was an incredible last blow there. Tell me what is
} that other system"
}
}    Tell you the truth, Leroy, I don't know nor care. I just know there
}    are three and they are all stupid.
}
} "Interesting response there from Mean Mr Metric, Back to you Bill"
}
} "We've just got word that the judges are going to make an
} announcement..."
}
} After final discussion, the judges have decided to declare the fight
} null and void due to the fact that the win by Mean Mr Metric would mean
} that some politicians might lose the next election.
}
} You owe the Oracle a life in the dark ages.

--- 355-09 0078b 4.2 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>   Dear Miss Oracle, who owns all the particles in the world,
>
>   Last week my cat returned home with a new tail.
>   Yesterday, when I woke up I noticed a bright blue square on my
>   left hand. This morning 5 small yellow dots appeared on my legs.
>   Now there are two cows flying around my head. What is going on?
>   And who are those little orange people running around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, you have got problems.  It seems you are at the center of
} localized Reality Breakdown.  Let's take this one step at a time.
}
} First of all, you seem to have Schroedinger's cat.  As your physicists
} will discover in about 50 years, the resolution of that old paradox is
} "the cat is alive, but it has a new tail."
}
} You should not have noticed this discrepancy in the cat, as it could
} throw the whole timetable of scientific discovery into confusion, which
} in turn would have dramatic effects on the entire future history of the
} Universe. Small changes tend to cascade into big ones, and if left
} unchecked this would result in a box of animal crackers being elected
} president in 1996.
}
} So the Reality Adjusters (also called Quantum Mechanics) were sent to
} fix things.  These are the little orange people you see.  While you
} slept the night before last they attempted to remove your knowledge of
} the cat's change and disable your ability to see quantum reality.  They
} thought they had succeeded, and stamped you with the Department of
} Reality Corrections seal of quality workmanship (the blue square on
} your hand).
}
} However, as with most civil servants they did a substandard job, and
} the knowledge and perception which could alter all of Creation remained
} in your head.  So the Mechanics were sent to have another go at it.  If
} you look at the yellow dots on your legs a little more closely, you
} will realize they have little groves in them.  In fact, they are
} screws.  The mechanics were in the processes of opening the access
} panels to your quantum perception center (which is in the legs, not the
} brain, for reasons too complicated to go into now).  However, you woke
} up too early this morning and they had to leave without either
} correcting the problem or covering the screws back up.
}
} So now not only have you glimpsed the true workings of the Universe,
} you have seen the incompetence of those who run it.  This has
} compounded the problem a billion fold, causing further breakdown in the
} structure of logic in your immediate vicinity.  Hence the cows.
}
} I'm afraid this is only going to get worse.  Next it will be elks
} jumping out of your breakfast cereal, your head drifting off on
} business of its own, and eventually reality will be so mucked up that
} cold fusion will work, ms-dos will become useful, and Jimmy Swaggart
} will become truly virtuous.
}
} The only way you can stop this is to dull your extra-normal perceptions
} back to the dim level that most humans live at.  The Oracle would
} suggest several hours of "Brady Bunch" reruns and top-forty radio,
} which is guaranteed to knock out all those parts of your brain that
} have inconveniently started working.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large quark.

--- 372-03 00989 4.0 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                           Oracle Form #3534992
}
}
} This is perhaps the [ ] largest duck       that the Oracle has ever
}                     [ ] worst rash
}                     [X] most unexpected news
}
} received.  I had [ ] Chinese for lunch today  and I'm [ ] hungry again.
}                  [ ] diarrea all night                [ ] sick as a dog.
}                  [X] no idea that you felt this way   [X] very surprised
}
} How [ ] amazing      of you to [ ] realize  that!   Perhaps you and I
}     [ ] inexcusible            [ ] give me
}     [X] daring                 [X] ask
}
} should [ ] roast this sucker        over  [ ] an open fire.
}        [ ] consult with a doctor          [ ] at the clinic.
}        [X] talk things over               [X] at your place.
}
} Now, [ ] hurry up          because  [ ] I'm hungry!
}      [ ] check yourself             [ ] things might start falling off
}      [X] let me know quickly,       [X] I'm anxious to hear from you.
}
} Signed,
}
} The Oracle
}
} For payment you are required to [ ] bring barbaque sauce
}                                 [ ] pay the doctor's bill.
}                                 [X] give the Oracle a kiss.

--- 359-08 033c6 3.9 -----------------------------------------------------