The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, endowed with the wisdom of the Universe and one > _really_ nasty babe for a main squeeze, > > Why do people think legalizing drugs is The Answer? I thought The > Answer was 42. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The great and mighty Oracle has deigned to give you an answer to this } question. You should offer thanks. } } Throughout time immemorial, it has been asked: What is the purpose of } human existance? } } At first this was easy. The answer was food } } You see, back in the Paleozoooliphic, the answer to everything was } either food or rock. } } What do you want? "Food" Where do you live? "Rock" Look, that guy is } making off with your stuff, what will you do? "Rock make him food!" } } As you can see, conversation wasn't too stimulating, and philosophers } were stuck with saying things like "rock is rock" and "food is not } rock" Luckily rock candy had not been invented yet. } } Many years passed, vocab increased, and finally the ancient greeks got } back around to the question. Socrates explained how the question had no } meaning. He of course was wrong, but he was such a great pain in the } ass that people agreed with him to shut him up. Finally, they slipped } some hemlock in his tea, and that was that. } } Later, once the vocabulary had gotten all settled, the } Romans came up with another answer, one which many of us would agree } with today. This, of course was sex. It was later found, however, that } sex could not be the answer. Sex was the question. Yes was the answer. } } This whole issue got more confused around the time of Jesus. You see, } Jesus was convinced that Love was the answer. By this, he did not mean } what most people think of as love, because then he could have just } said that sex is the answer. That would lead to the problem above, } Now, Love might be a possible alternative to sex, but the Romans } were so upset by the idea that sex wasn't it, that they nailed Jesus } to a couple of planks. } } The Roman empire fell to the barbarians, and it was back to food for } most of the dark ages. } } When the Renaissance finally hit, the answer was Painting. Later on } they decided that that was just too silly, and changed it to } Enlightenment. } This worked fine for the aristocracy, but, at least in France, the } pesants revolted, and settled firmly on food again. } } Not too much after this, drugs spread out through western culture. } Some people at this time suggested that drugs were the answer, but } Opium isn't really powerful enough to blot out all other questions, so } it was quietly shelved for a later date. } } At one point this century, the proposal "Coke is it" was widely } spread, but if Coke was it, what was New Coke? It flat and too sweet? } No, that idea was also disregarded. } } In the '60s, everything disregarded came back with a vengance (except } painting, it was still too silly) "Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll." } The Republicans hated this (They thought the answer was Money), and } they conspired to break the idea at its weak point; Drugs. So went the } revisionists (who ignored the fact that George Washington grew } Marijuana), and they outlawed drugs. Outlawing sex would have been } nice for them, but even they realized that Republicans, at least, had } to reproduce. } } In 197something, Douglas Adams decided that the answer to Life, the } Universe and Everything was 42. Being irrational, it made it difficult } to refute, and so was popular among young Democrats (Who had lost so } many brain cells due to drugs that they were equally irrational), and } science fiction fans (who were so weird that they could just accept } it). } } You now see where your question fits in. Some people think that the } solution is to legalize Drugs, and some think that the answer is 42. } Others think it is sex, a few still believe in Coke, and food is a } perrenial favorite. Of course the true answer is there, and has been } for a while... } } The answer is.... } } Painting. Of course. } } You owe the Oracle a Velvet Elvis. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 10 Nov 91 21:36:23 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #370-09 Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose Nielson ratings were higher even than those of > Bill Cosby, please answer this humble question: > > Why did she slap me? I thought I was making a compliment! > > Thank you for answering this pitiful, dung-covered mortal. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... the Oracle must take a moment to review the latest } Grovelling Manual before processing your request. } Let's see... supplication, appeasement, begging, bribery, } flattery... ah: self-debasement... well, I don't quite know how } to break this to you, mortal, but the newest requirements don't } say anything about dung or the application thereof. I'm afraid } you went out of your way for nothing. } As for your getting slapped for what you thought was a } compliment, I suspect that your problem lies in the different } interpretations that men and women have for similar expressions } in the English language. Unfortunately, in your zest to incur } my good favor, you neglected to supply enough information for me } to properly judge your exact situation. However, I will nonetheless } attempt to illustrate the cause of your problem by generating an } example. I leave it to you to apply it as needed. } For this demonstration, I will use a highly popular program } from OracleSoft (tm) called Mortal Simulator V42.0. This versatile } piece of software genrates simulated human responses based on a } wide range of input and supports both male and female modes, } multiple age groups and a sizeable variety of other } Oracle-selectable--er, user-selectable parameters. It's available } from OracleSoft for a measly $750,000,000. I suggest you pick up a } copy today--and don't forget to make all checks payable to Steve } Kinzler. } Now, since you neglected to include a description of the 'she' } in question, or of yourself for that matter (excluding the part } about the dung), I'm going to have to use the STANDARD_MALE.DAT } and STANDARD_FEMALE.DAT data files. Watch closely, and I think } you'll see why you're having so much trouble communicating your } intentions. } } $ MORTLSIM/FILE=STANDARD_MALE/INTERPRET=MALE/TRANSLATION/- } _$ REACTION=(EXPECTED,VERBAL)/INPUT=(SPEECH,- } _$ TEXT="Hey babe, anybody ever tell you you got a gorgeous ass?") } %MORTLSIM-I-INTERPRT, interpreting text from male standpoint } %MORTLSIM-I-TRANSLAT, translating text to standard meaning } %MORTLSIM-I-REACTION, generating expected reaction from male standpoint } %MORTLSIM-I-COMPLETE, MORTLSIM simulation completed with 0 diagnostics } $ type MORTAL.OUT } VAX Mortal Simulator Version 42.0 Page 1 } } Original input text: } ------------------- } Hey babe, anybody ever tell you you got a gorgeous ass? } } Simulated male interpretation: } ----------------------------- } My dear woman, while I would never stoop to judging one of the fair } sex by physical beauty alone, I would be most surprised if your } strikingly well defined frame hasn't garnered you a host of well-meant } compliments. } } Translation to standard meaning: } ------------------------------- } Miss, your butt is turning me on. Please come home with me. } } Expected reaction from male standpoint: } -------------------------------------- } Why, no! Say, why don't we go back to your place and have } some wild monkey sex? } } SIMULATOR INTERNAL TIMING } } Phase Faults CPU Time Elapsed Time } Initialization 150 00:00.2 00:00.6 } Source Analysis 1219 00:02.2 00:03.1 } Source Listing 46 00:00.1 00:00.5 } Tree Construction 200 00:00.1 00:00.1 } Flow Analysis 48 00:00.1 00:00.0 } Value Propagation 12 00:00.0 00:00.0 } Profit Analysis 93 00:00.1 00:00.1 } Context Analysis 215 00:00.4 00:00.4 } Name Packing 7 00:00.0 00:00.0 } Code Selection 106 00:00.1 00:00.1 } Final 79 00:00.2 00:00.5 } TOTAL 2181 00:03.5 00:05.4 } } SIMULATOR STATISTICS } } CPU Time: 00:03.5 (2085 Lines/Minute) } Elapsed Time: 00:05.4 } Page Faults: 2181 } Pages Used: 2570 } } VAX Mortal Simulator Version 42.0 Page 2 End simulation } $ MORTLSIM/FILE=STANDARD_FEMALE/INTERPRET=FEMALE/TRANSLATION/- } _$ REACTION=(ACTUAL,VERBAL)/INPUT=(SPEECH,- } _$ TEXT="Hey babe, anybody ever tell you you got a gorgeous ass?") } %MORTLSIM-I-INTERPRT, interpreting text from female standpoint } %MORTLSIM-I-TRANSLAT, translating text to standard meaning } %MORTLSIM-I-REACTION, generating actual reaction from female standpoint } %MORTLSIM-W-NULLVERB, warning: no verbal reaction generated } -MORTLSIM-S-SUBSTPHY, physical reaction substituted } %MORTLSIM-I-COMPLETE, MORTLSIM simulation completed with 1 diagnostic } $ purge } $ type MORTAL.OUT } VAX Mortal Simulator Version 42.0 Page 1 } } Original input text: } ------------------- } Hey babe, anybody ever tell you you got a gorgeous ass? } } Simulated female interpretation: } ------------------------------- } Hi, I'm a male chauvinist pig who thinks only of using women for } instant gratification in purely physical and emotionally meaningless } relationships. The chances of you and I actually hitting it off are } slim to none, but I'm going to try and put the make on you anyway. } } Translation to standard meaning: } ------------------------------- } Miss, your butt is turning me on. Please come home with me. } } Actual reaction from female standpoint: } -------------------------------------- } *SLAP!* } } SIMULATOR INTERNAL TIMING } } Phase Faults CPU Time Elapsed Time } Initialization 150 00:00.2 00:00.6 } Source Analysis 1219 00:02.2 00:03.1 } Source Listing 46 00:00.1 00:00.5 } Tree Construction 200 00:00.1 00:00.1 } Flow Analysis 48 00:00.1 00:00.0 } Value Propagation 12 00:00.0 00:00.0 } Profit Analysis 93 00:00.1 00:00.1 } Context Analysis 215 00:00.4 00:00.4 } Name Packing 7 00:00.0 00:00.0 } Code Selection 106 00:00.1 00:00.1 } Final 79 00:00.2 00:00.5 } TOTAL 2181 00:03.5 00:05.4 } } SIMULATOR STATISTICS } } CPU Time: 00:03.5 (2085 Lines/Minute) } Elapsed Time: 00:05.4 } Page Faults: 2181 } Pages Used: 2570 } } VAX Mortal Simulator Version 42.0 Page 2 End simulation } $ } } As you can see, the same phrase genrates two completely different } responses when viewed from male and female contexts. Regrettably, the } Oracle has yet to find single sentence in the English language that } does not produce this result. If the /COMPARE qualifier is specified, } along with two seprerate data files, Mortal Simulator will calculate } the degree of similarity between male and female responses and, if used } in tandem with the /OPTIMIZE qualifier, it will also generate a } modified version of the input text that, in its view, would produce the } least divergent reactions. } The Oracle realizes, of course, that Mortal Simulator may be just } a little beyond your means, so I will tell you that after running } repeated simulations based on the situation shown above, your best } move would be to brush up on your grovelling, go back to this woman } on your hands and knees and beg forgiveness. And instead of covering } yourself with dung, bring candy and flowers. } } Hmmm... I wonder... } } $ MORTLSIM/FILE=LISA.DAT/INTERPRET=FEMALE/REACTION=(ACTUAL,PHYSICAL,VERB } AL)/-_$ INPUT=(SPEECH,TEXT="Let's have hot monkey sex.",- } _$ ACTION=PRESENT_GIFTS, GIFTS="Porsche 911 Turbo, cash") } %MORTLSIM-F-ENDABORT, MORTLSIM simulation aborted } -MORTLSIM-F-OPENIN, error opening SYS$ORACLE:[MORTLSIM.FILES]LISA.DAT;1 } as input } -RMS-E-NOPRIV, insuffucient privilege or file protection violation } $ } Damn! } } You owe the Oracle WORLD or BYPASS privileges. } [Incarnated as Bill Paul ]