CRIMEWATCH
The following incidents were reported to the Campus Police
Department Between March 13-19:
- [Mar 13:]``Tech'' office, 2-liter bottle of
Crystal Pepsi stolen from refrigerator; Building 33, darkly dressed
man seen carrying door down hallway; Barker Library, wallet stolen;
Building 4, suspicious man seen lurking hallways with a 2-liter
bottle of soda. Doorknob missing. Building 37, darkly dressed man
seen standing up against wall holding a door.
- [Mar 14:]``Tech'' office, institute
doorknob found in refrigerator; Building 33, door reported
missing; Building 9, darkly dressed man seen running down
hallway carrying institute door; Lobdell Food Court, employee
attacked by man weilding a 2-liter bottle of Crystal Pepsi; Information Systems, 28MB of memory stolen, replaced with doorknob;
Building 1, darkly dressed man seen behind locked door standing in
hallway, no answer; Killian Court, jogger seen urinating on
sculptures; Building 68, doorknob missing.
- [Mar 15:]East Campus, sculpture stolen,
replaced with 2-liter bottle of Crystal Pepsi; LaVerde's,
2-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper stolen; Networks, severed hand
clutching doorknob found in frier; Building 13, darkly dressed
man seen carrying door without doorknob up staircase; Building 4,
suspicious one-handed man seen in corridor violently
shaking 2-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper and laughing; Killian Court,
Jogger missing, replaced with 17MB of memory.
- [Mar 17:]Building 8 Time Labs, March 16 stolen, several
people missing; Barker
Library, wallet found, money missing, replaced with 11MB memory; Hayden Court, man hit by falling doorknob; Building 18, darkly
dressed man seen climbing up door into plumbing system.
; Kresge
Auditorium, Roy Orbison spotted by Physical Plant worker; Building 56, suspicious one-handed man seen violently
shaking 2-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper and laughing; Building
11, two students arrested for attacking student playing NetTrek in
Fishbowl cluster, blame placed on stress of missing calendar day.
- [Mar 18:]Green Building, suspicious one-handed man seen violently
shaking 2-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper and laughing; Building 37,
military mesearch equipment stolen, replaced with Jogger;
W20 Cluster, enraged students attack NetTrekkers, several
injured; Med Center, Bubonic plaque outbreak, Penecillin
administered liberally; Green Building, suspicious one-handed man seen on
roof, dropped high pressure 2-liter
bottle of Dr. Pepper, two Campus Police vehicles damaged in explosion;
Med Center, explosive device found in basement, stuck to wall
with Neoprene; Building 35, 700mW laser fired from roof, several
pedestrians and drivers blinded;
Green Building, suspicious one-handed man arrested,
much rejoicing; Mass. Ave., Campus police station stolen.
- [Mar 19:]Building 8 Time Labs, March 16 recovered, several
people confused; Student Center, Student Center vaporized by
fusion weapon, Networks and Lobdell Food Court unharmed; Building
10, vigilante student group spotted on Great Dome in possession of
military research weapons, National Guard declares state of emergency;
Building NW12, Reactor failure; Mass. Ave., Technology
bridge destroyed in cross-river dispute; Memorial Drive, 50mm
cannon fire across river reported at Tang; East Campus, fifth
floor of east parallel separates from main structure, airborn; Building 20, cruise missile seen mounted on Jeep Cherokee in parking
lot; Baker, small weapons fire; Kendall Square, missile
silo appears from MBTA station; MacGregor, building placed under
NATO command; East Campus, surface-to-air missiles spotted
moving toward Mass. Ave.; Senior House, darkly dressed man drops
door on ordinance, small explosion; Technology Square, energy
shield activated; Building 10, NATO helicopter shot down; Building NW12, reactor core breach, large explosion, most of West
Campus leveled; ``Tech'' office, doorknob stolen from refrigerator;
Building E41, Athena becomes self-aware, renames itself
``SkyNet''.
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