CRIMEWATCH

The following incidents were reported to the Campus Police Department Between March 13-19:

• [Mar 13:]``Tech'' office, 2-liter bottle of Crystal Pepsi stolen from refrigerator; Building 33, darkly dressed man seen carrying door down hallway; Barker Library, wallet stolen; Building 4, suspicious man seen lurking hallways with a 2-liter bottle of soda. Doorknob missing. Building 37, darkly dressed man seen standing up against wall holding a door.
• [Mar 14:]``Tech'' office, institute doorknob found in refrigerator; Building 33, door reported missing; Building 9, darkly dressed man seen running down hallway carrying institute door; Lobdell Food Court, employee attacked by man weilding a 2-liter bottle of Crystal Pepsi; Information Systems, 28MB of memory stolen, replaced with doorknob; Building 1, darkly dressed man seen behind locked door standing in hallway, no answer; Killian Court, jogger seen urinating on sculptures; Building 68, doorknob missing.
• [Mar 15:]East Campus, sculpture stolen, replaced with 2-liter bottle of Crystal Pepsi; LaVerde's, 2-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper stolen; Networks, severed hand clutching doorknob found in frier; Building 13, darkly dressed man seen carrying door without doorknob up staircase; Building 4, suspicious one-handed man seen in corridor violently shaking 2-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper and laughing; Killian Court, Jogger missing, replaced with 17MB of memory.
• [Mar 17:]Building 8 Time Labs, March 16 stolen, several people missing; Barker Library, wallet found, money missing, replaced with 11MB memory; Hayden Court, man hit by falling doorknob; Building 18, darkly dressed man seen climbing up door into plumbing system. ; Kresge Auditorium, Roy Orbison spotted by Physical Plant worker; Building 56, suspicious one-handed man seen violently shaking 2-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper and laughing; Building 11, two students arrested for attacking student playing NetTrek in Fishbowl cluster, blame placed on stress of missing calendar day.
• [Mar 18:]Green Building, suspicious one-handed man seen violently shaking 2-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper and laughing; Building 37, military mesearch equipment stolen, replaced with Jogger; W20 Cluster, enraged students attack NetTrekkers, several injured; Med Center, Bubonic plaque outbreak, Penecillin administered liberally; Green Building, suspicious one-handed man seen on roof, dropped high pressure 2-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper, two Campus Police vehicles damaged in explosion; Med Center, explosive device found in basement, stuck to wall with Neoprene; Building 35, 700mW laser fired from roof, several pedestrians and drivers blinded; Green Building, suspicious one-handed man arrested, much rejoicing; Mass. Ave., Campus police station stolen.
• [Mar 19:]Building 8 Time Labs, March 16 recovered, several people confused; Student Center, Student Center vaporized by fusion weapon, Networks and Lobdell Food Court unharmed; Building 10, vigilante student group spotted on Great Dome in possession of military research weapons, National Guard declares state of emergency; Building NW12, Reactor failure; Mass. Ave., Technology bridge destroyed in cross-river dispute; Memorial Drive, 50mm cannon fire across river reported at Tang; East Campus, fifth floor of east parallel separates from main structure, airborn; Building 20, cruise missile seen mounted on Jeep Cherokee in parking lot; Baker, small weapons fire; Kendall Square, missile silo appears from MBTA station; MacGregor, building placed under NATO command; East Campus, surface-to-air missiles spotted moving toward Mass. Ave.; Senior House, darkly dressed man drops door on ordinance, small explosion; Technology Square, energy shield activated; Building 10, NATO helicopter shot down; Building NW12, reactor core breach, large explosion, most of West Campus leveled; ``Tech'' office, doorknob stolen from refrigerator; Building E41, Athena becomes self-aware, renames itself ``SkyNet''.

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