YOU MIGHT BE CONSIDERED A WEST VIRGINIAN IF:

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed
You've ever used lard in bed
You think potted meat on a Saltine is an hors d'oeuvre
There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your house
You consider a six pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment
Less than half the cars you own run
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips when she tells the state trooper
    to kiss her ass
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan
Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sporting event
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill
The neighbors ever started a petition over you Christmas lights
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards ever since "Smokey and the Bandit" was
    snubbed for best picture
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading and like the pictures too
You prominently display the gift you bought at Graceland
The diploma you display in your den includes the words "Trucking Institute"
Your mother keeps a spittoon on the ironing board
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding
You think Don Perignon is a Mafia leader
The most common phrase at your family reunions is "What the hell are you looking
    at, Shithead?"
You think Beef Jerky and Mon Pies are two of the major food groups
You think Campho-Phanique is a miracle drug
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior
Your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an opening on the lube rack
You think Volvo is a part of a woman's anatomy
You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time
You've been too drunk to fish
Your car has a rag for a gas cap and a Hefty bag for a passenger window
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road"
Your father accompanies you to school because you're both in the same grade
Your sister-in-law is also your cousin
You ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass
You had to erase your sister's name from "For a good time, call. . ."
You keep at least two nonworking major appliances on your front porch and more than
    two cars on blocks in your front yard
Your wife weights more than your pickup truck