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<title>Ask Dr. Gabe Advice Column</title>
<!-- Changed by: , 13-Oct-1995 -->
<h1>Dr. Gabe's Oracle of Wisdom</h1>
<h2>The very unofficial Pi-Lam Mass Theta advice column</h2>
<h5>This site is in no way affiliated with
<a href=http://www.drmirkin.com/>Dr Gabe Mirkin</a>,
with
<a href=http://www.dre2001.com/>a real doctor</a>, or with
<a href=http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_232.html>a real merkin</a>.
</h5>
<br>
<br>
<br>

<h4>Please read the question and answer session below before asking a question</h4>
<a href="meow.au"><img src=dr_gabe.gif border=0></a>
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<i>If you have a problem and don't know who to turn to, Dr. Gabe can make it worse for you...</i><p>

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<address>
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</address>

<hr>

Dr. Doc,<p>
I have a friend who says he got "cat scratch fever" from
kissing his cat. The symptoms are something like mono.  Is 
this real? I don't (usually) kiss my cats, but sometimes 
they like to smell my mouth after I've eaten something 
particularly smelly and wonderful, like goat cheese. Is 
this dangerous?<p>
xxoo<p>

PS - Oh, sorry, forgot to say "I WILL NOT share my goat cheese
with <a href="#dingle">Dingle</a>, I'm sure he/she has enough cheese by now.<p>

<i>Dear xxoo,</i><p>

<i>The main danger here is that they will grab your tongue out of your
mouth and run off with it and eat it behind a chair.</i><p>

<i>If the most "smelly and wonderful" thing you eat is goat cheese, then
maybe you should think about it a bit more.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

Dr. Gabe,<p>
    Can you tell me how to quit smoking?<p>

<i>Stop, drop, and roll.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

Dear Dr. Gabe,<p>
     I have a flatulence problem when I am near my friends.
Last night, I farted when my friend's girlfriend was moving into
into her new apartment.  I don't know what to do.  Please give
me advice. <p>

			Love,<p>
			  Mike<p>

<i>To me, a "flatulence problem" sounds like "drinking too much" -- you
can never have a flatulence problem.
However, it seems like you are not too keen on your constantly farting
up a storm.</i><p>

<i>You mention that you have this problem when you are near your friends.
It sounds to me like you are allergic to your friends.  However, this
can be remedied.  People who are allergic to cats are not allergic to
the cats per se, but to the tiny particles of saliva that collect on
the cats' fur when they lick themselves.  Cats can be rendered
non-allergenic with frequent baths.  This is how you can overcome your
flatulence problem.  Whenever you plan to be around your friends for
any period of time, make sure to give them a bath first, especially
your friend's girlfriend, who seems to be a particular source of
trouble for you.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

I have low self-esteem, and as a result, I like to staple bologna to my face.  At least the dogs like me then.  What should I do?<p>

<i>You have a couple options.  If you eat some goat cheese, then the cats
will like you, too.  On the other hand, if you're not fond of cats,
maybe you could contact <a href="#dingle">Dingle</a> for some
slices of American cheese or
something; almost everyone prefers bologna & cheese to just plain
bologna.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

Is it possible for an armadillo to die a natural death
or do they all end up dead on the side of the road?
I must admit, I've run over a few over the years.
Thank you for your time.<p>

<i>For an armadillo, being run over <b>is</b> a natural death.  An unnatural
one would be something like being smothered in your trousers or
choking on vomit.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

"Doctor" Gabe,<p>
	Your pathetic.  Your an asshole, so why don't you do
mankind a favor and jump off a high cliff<p>

<i>I would jump off a high cliff, but then we wouldn't have any
assholes left to correct "your" grammar.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<a name=dingle><hr></a>

I need food. please send some cheese to<p>
<code>180 bayside drive<br>
Atlantic Highlands, NJ   07716<p>
</code>
I am in a computer camp and am supposed to be looking up rockets now.
please hurry!<p>

-dingle<p>

<i>Dear Dingle,</i><p>

<i>Oh, cheese, isn't that nice.  What kind would you like?
Since you haven't specified, it may be difficult to give you exactly
what you ask for.  Perhaps soon I'll get a web page set up so that you
may click on the type of cheese you would like, and then it may be
sent via carrier at the earlierst possible convenience.</i><p>

<i>For now, however, we'll just post your address here and perhaps people
browsing the page can send you some of their cheese.  Perhaps everyone
could send a slice or two of American cheese, since it is thin & fits
easily into an envelope.  Perhaps you'll make the Guiness Book of
World Records for "Largest collection of American Cheese slices."  You
don't, perchance, have a fatal disease, do you?  Hopefully you won't contract
one from eating all the cheese you will be getting.
</i><p>


<i>Remember, send your slice of American Cheese to:</i><p>

<i>Dingle<br>
180 Bayside Drive<br>
Atlantic Highlands, NJ   07716<p>
</i>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

What's a good sign in recognizing who's a jackass and who isn't over
the web?<p>

<i>Jackasses make fervent pleas for cheese.  Geeks have their public PGP
key listed.  Dorks use annoying Netscape features like blink, "fade
in" and change the title in an attempt to get "title animation".
Knobbs have links to the White House home page.</i><p>

<i>On second thought, maybe dingles are the ones who ask for cheese, and
jackasses do the other things mentioned.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

I have a problem and I don't know what to do with it.<p>

I have a boyfriend. I like him a lot, but at camp's dance,
I dance a lot with another boy (about the same height) and
I like him too.
What should I do?<p>

<i>You don't mention how tall your boyfriend is.  Is this guy at camp the
same height as you, or the same height as your boyfriend?  height is
very important in a relationship, and that will tell you who you
should go with.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

Dear Dr. Gabe,<p>
	My friend Jay is gay. I am a very straight male. Jay has been asking me persistently to have sex with him.  I keep telling him I have no interest in him but he still asks everyday.  How can I get him to leave me alone without ruining the friendship.  Please help!!!!<p>

<i>You say you are "very straight" but I am betting you bend a bit, at
the waist and knees, for example.  If you want Jay off your back, so
to speak, just say, "Look Jay.  I'm not gay.  I will not do it in a
tub.  I will not do it on a rug.  I will not do it in a bath.  I will
not take it up the ass.  I will not do it, Jay, you see.  I am not
gay, now let me be!"</i><p>

<i>I have a friend named Lee.  Lee is Free.  I am a very straight cat.
Lee is always doing these wild things, like drinking out of the toilet
and hiding in dresser drawers.  Lee asks me to drink out of the toilet
with him, but I like to drink out of a dish.  Eventually, I just told
Lee to stop fucking asking me to do all these things like hide in the
dreser drawers.  It's fine for him, but it's just not for me.  Lee
understood this, and now we play with rubber bands together, but he
hides in dresser drawers without bothering me about it.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

I am a fan of cats, and I was wondering why you, Dr. Gabe, have a picture of a cat at the top of your advice column?<p>

- morris@purina.com<p>

<i>Dear Morris,</i><p>

<i>That cat at the top is actually me.  That's right, Dr. Gabe is
a cat.  You may have seen me in that Disney movie a few years ago,
"The Cat From Outer Space".  I am not from outer space, but I do
happen to be a superintelligent cat.  After getting my degree, I
decided not to go into the profession immediately, but goofed around,
and eventually got into acting.  I was also in a TV pilot a couple
years ago, kind of like "Look Who's Talking", but with cats.  I don't
know what the actual name of it turned out to be, I only did one
episode and it was never picked up by the networks.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

Dear Dr. Gabe,

I am a student at the University of Florida majoring in Telecommunications.  About five months ago I met this girl on a trip to Atlanta for my college.  Well, we more or less hooked-up with one major problem....She has a boyfriend.  She continued seeing me behind his back for about two months until it got to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore and broke up with her....Well we are in the same major so running into each other was unavoidable, so we started talking again and got to the point where we are really good friends again....Here's the problem...We slept together last weekend for the first time (her boyfreind is In Europe), and will be back soon and I'm not sure what to do with the situation.  I really have developed really strong feelings for her and don't want to get hurt again.....I'm not sure if she is going to break up with him or what and it's pretty obvious that we need to sit down and talk...soon.  If there is any advice or anything you could tell me,!<p>

please help!!!!!<p>

<i>You slept together... I guess you are good friends!  Well, since it
doesn't seem like this woman plans to do anything herself, then if you
think you want to carry on a long-distance relationship, and you want
it to be more than just seeing her behind her boyfriend's back, you
should take matters into your own hands.</i><p>

<i>Tell the boyfiriend, "Hey, I'm fucking your girlfriend, and I intend
to keep doing so, since she doesn't seem to mind."  If he isn't too
pleased about this, then challenge him to a competition to win her,
uh, "hand".  Nothing dangerous, mind you, perhaps a battle of wits.
My suggestion would be a cheese-eating contest.  Gather up as many
different kinds of cheese as you can find, two of each, and see if you
can match each other cheese-for-cheese.  (If you're not familiar with
this kind of competition, I belive there was something like it in
"Raiders of the Lost Ark".)  Get some really gross kinds of cheese,
like a really runny Camenbert, so it actually takes some effort to eat
it.</i><p>

<i>If you can't locate these exotic cheeses where you are, just go for
volume.  See who can eat the most slices of American cheese.  (If you
need some for this effort, contact Dingle.  He has tons of the stuff.)
When the smoke clears, your problem will be solved, one way or the
other, though you may be know as "cheese-eater" by your friends &
acquaintances.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

I must confess.  I have a secret love affair with Jay Leno. 
I know he is a big star and all, but I just can't get over 
that big smile and wonderful face, but I am more interested 
in the contents of his jock strap (I hope he wears one).  
If he does, I wish he would take it off in the middle of a 
show and show everybody how much of a junk he is.<p>


Do you have any suggestions?<p>

<i>Suggestions about what?  All I know is, don't start going to his house
claiming to be his wife.</i><p>

<i>As for the contents of his jock strap, well, if you believe what they
say about the size of a man's jaw related to the size of his penis,
then the anvil-chinned Leno must have something like an engine block
in his pants.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

Ultimamente e tenido mucho trabajo.  Estoy en el proceso
de comprar una nueva casa.  Esta semana me dicen si
aprueban mi prestamo, si me aceptan en un nuevo trabajo,
mis jefes estan de acuerdo con el plan de remplazar el 
sistema operativo de la red con uno nuevo, tambien me 
dicen esta semana si me van a aumentar el sueldo, esta 
semana compro un telefono cellular, esta semana hablo 
a Mexico con mis padres, esta semana esta tan pero tan
ocupada que me pregunto por que mi vida tiene que ser
asi????<p>

<i>? Eres Un Tonto?   ! Gatos no pueden hablar espanol !
Puedo hablar solamente ingles, aliman, frances, y italiano (duh).</i><p>

<i>- El Doctor Gabo</i><p>

<hr>

I truly do have a problem.  I have been trying to collect child
support payments from my ex husband for 7 years.  He is currently over
$6000 behind in his payments.  I have tried to use the federal laws to
collect support and seem to be having problems getting the states of
Indiana and Florida to work together.  Both states say that the other
one is suppossed to do something before they can process a wage
withholding on my ex.  Do you have any advise.<p>

<i>Not knowing any specifics about the laws in question, I can hardly
speak to this problem.  However, is there any possibility of
blackmail?  Just make sure that if you get caught you have worked it
out so both Florida and Indiana are waiting for the other to do
something before you can be prosecuted.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

My Dearest Dr.,<p>
   My name too is Gabe, and i have a question of a rather poignent nature...Dr. Gabe, what is the meaning of life?...Dr., i've been troubled by very bad dreams lately and, well, to be quite frank, Dr., I'm beginning to doubt the validity of my own right to life...let me put it to you simply Dr.,...Manifest Destiny...we have the right to American land because we purchased it fairly (conquered) it from the natives....but is this land really made for you and me?...and just because i'm alive, well do i deserve to be?...is that the question?...and if so...who answers?...Dr., i know you're nothing but a super-intellegent, drunk-frat <a href="dr_gabe.gif">pussy</a>, but tell me...why are you alive Dr.?...Why do you get on the net and 'help' people?...and why, then, do i exist?...am i nothing, as DesCartes feared, but a dream in the head of a madman?...am i nothing, Dr., but a dream in the electronic head of your computer...or in your head perhaps?...am i a figment of my own imagination like an existentialis!
 t joke?...tell me Dr., how do you know you're really alive?...How many of you people know you're really alive?...BULL<b>*poopie*!</b><i> (Censored for the benefit of senator Exon.)</i> ...plastic soldiers in a miniature dirt-war...i am the couch king...i could do anything...but i won't...do i need to prove to someone that i exist in order to exist?...hell no....well...maybe myself...and the bank...and the gov't....and maybe my parents...can you help me with this dilema, Dr. Cats?<p>
                                                                                                     -G.<p>                 

<i>Dear G Man,</i><p>

<i>Alright, I'll level with you - you are a figment of my immagination.
In fact, everybody is either a figment of my immagination or my
serf except for Ilsa who is my nanny.  As a corollary, you shouldn't even
bother worrying about whether you deserve to be alive or not because I
determine your destiny.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

Dear Dr. Gabe,<p>
Exactly what is the "Seven Year Itch"?  I have been married for seven years.
for seven years.<p>
Dawn<p>

<i>Dear Dawn</i><p>

<i>When you have been married for seven years, you often get the desire
to seek out "new pastures", so to speak, and find youself attracted to
advice-giving cats, or possibly to those who are not actually cats but
play them on the net.  The only cure is to act on your desires.</i><p>

<i>How old are you, by the way?</i><p>


<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

Dear Dr Gabe<p>

I'm a 17 year old boy and my best friend is 14 at my school.
We do lots of stuff together and talk all the time. I've only
known him for 6 months but we both consider each other best
friends. I love talking to him and spending time with him
and I think that I'm in love with him too. I like a girl at
my school also, but I also like this guy. Am I gay, or just
very good friends? I always think about him and could be
with him every day. He is definitely not gay, and neither
am I ... or am I?<p>

Friends forever<p>

<i>Dear friends,</i><p>

<i>Of course you're gay.  Why else would you "do lots of stuff" and
"talk all the time?"  Then again, maybe you're just going through
an experimentation phase.  I recommend taking the 
<a href="http://www.nmt.edu/~kscott/purity/purity.html">
Purity Test</a> as a means of determining just how experimental you've
gotten.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

I was reading your question and answer session and could not believe you
told a 17 year old that he is gay because he enjoys talking with, hanging out
with, and doing stuff with his 14 year old best friend.  He really loves this
guy.  I think he means that he feels such a close friendship with this guy
and that is where the love is.  He is just deeply concerned with this guy.
 Please write this guy (I guess he gave you his email address since you do
ask for it) and tell him he's not gay.  If you send me his e-mail address
I'll tell him also.  I hope he took you as a quack and ignored your answer.
 I ask you, is there anything gay about being good friends if both friends
are of the same gender?  The fact that he seemed worried
about the possibility that he might be a homosexual shows me that he is not.<p>

<i>I can't believe anyone would take someone seriously who claims to be an
advice giving cat that mails out cheese
(except for maybe other cats who lack a cerebral cortex, and 
consequently lack reasoning skills).  As for giving you his email address, 
that would violate the Dr. Gabe oath of privacy, but feel free to send me 
email and I'll forward it to him with your address attached.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

Will I go to heaven?<p>

<i>Of course not.  The fact that you seem worried about the possibility
that you might be going to heaven shows me that you won't.</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

I have a confession to make. I'm cheating on my dog. I have
affairs with my younger brothers, sister, grandparents, cat,
fish, aunts, uncles, my lactose intolerant monkey, my wall, 
my disk drive, my door, the fencepost outside my house, and 
even the front lawn. None of them knows about each other.<p> 
Help!<p>
Signed,<p>
Slappy Happy<p>

<i>I'm surprised your cat hasn't noticed; I'm sure at least some of the
time you come home smelling like fish.</i><p>

<i>Considering all the intimate moments that must have been shared by
your dog and the fencepost over the years, maybe you could talk to
your dog about a possible "menage a trois".</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

I just moved to Ontario, Oregon from Baker City, Oregon, and I knew this one girl's uncle. The girl lives in the same town I do.  Anyway, her Uncle, whom I didn't know very well, gave me her phone numberr. So now I'm supposed to call a girl I don't know
Should I???  How would you like a phone call from a complete stranger?<p>

Love Always<p>

<i>I would love a phone call from a complete stranger, but unfortunately
you are not my type.  If you know any women interested in that kind of
behavior, send them my way.  Have them send email, it's easier to keep
track of if I'm not available to answer the phone (and if the women
that contact me work out, hopefully I will be unavailable to answer
the phone).</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

Shortly after Christmas I stopped by an Osco Drug store
where they were selling remaindered Christmas candy.  I purchased
a package of something called "Amazin' Raisin Bells".  These
are pices of chocolate candy that are bell-shaped (three
dimensional), and have raisins in the center.  They are wrapped
in aluminum foil.  They are quite tasty.  The other day I was
eating one, and on a whim I stuck another in my pants.  I walked
around with this in my pants, and it provided me with oh-so-pleasant
stimulation.<p>

I would like to continue this practice, but I am concerned there
may be some ill effects.  Could there be?  Could I have a 
problem with the aluminum foil?  How about the raisins?<p>


	Signed,<p> 

		Stickypants<p>

<i>Dear Stickypants,</i><p>

<i>Believe it or not, I get this question a lot.  It's good to be
concerned about your health, and with all those wee beasties floating
around out there these days you can never be too careful.  What you
are doing may provide you with short term pleasure, but think about
the long term discomfort you would experience if a wee beastie were
to get inside you.</i><p>

<i>That's why I recommend Dr. Gabe brand chocolate raisin bells,
"ribbed for her pleasure."  Dr. Gabe brand raisins undergo an intensive
homogenization process before being smothered with steaming hot chocolate
which has been heated to six billion degrees centigrade in an attempt to
disintegrate all known varieties of the wee beastie.  Once coated, the
raisins are then cooled and sealed in a little vacuum bag to ensure
freshness and because it looks cute.  (Dr. Gabe rasin bells also happen
to be world renowned for their healing powers in curing athlete's
foot.)</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

My sex life sucks.<p>

 - unsigned (But we know who you are.)<p>

<i>Have you tried Dr. Gabe brand chocolate bells?  Well then, is it any
wonder your sex life sucks?</i><p>

<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

Please send me any info on Lymes Disease, treatment, etc.<p>
Thank you.<p>

<i>If infected, Dr. Gabe recommends wallowing in mud and squealing like a pig
until the wound feels salved.  After that, dine on the delectable Dr. Gabe
chocolate bells.  Finally, if all else fails, we recommend using Dr. Gabe's
Fun Rubber Tourniquet on the affected limb, and to watch a fun Humphrey
Bogart flick while your limb slowly loses circulation and then chop off
that limb after Bogey says goodbye to the lady, and make a good sausage out
of it to share with your friends, with Jus au Lyme.</i><p>


<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

Dear Dr. Gabe,<p>

I never expected a search for "Pi lambda phi" to turn
up anything.<p>

Greetings from a CMU Pilam alumni.<p>  

I've met a few MIT Pilams in my time.  I remember one
who came to our flag football tournament a few years ago.
I can't remember his name, but he came as close as any
single person has ever come to beating me in a one-on-one
chugging contest.  Of course he was dosed, and I have to
consider that as cheatin.<p>
  
But those days are beyond us.  As of March 6th, we get
officially evicted and kicked off campus.<p>

Best of luck & remember, No matter how rich or poor you are,
you can only drink a case or two of beer a day.<p>

                                 - Ivan the Terrible '89

(Name changed for privacy purposes)<p>

<i>Dear Brother Ivan,</i><p>

<i>I always consider it a pleasure to meet a new brother;  it's amazing how something as nerdy as the web can bring us closer together.  Anyway this is an advice column - you should have sent your letter to <a href="mail-me.html">our chapter's mailing list</a>, but since you sent it here I feel obliged to give you advice.</i><p>

<i>When given the choice, I suggest choosing northern european sheep over the galopagis island variety.  Their wool is much smoother and will generally raise the value of your flock.</i><p>

<i>- yours truly</i><p>
<i> Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

Dr Gabe,<p>
I break out in hives and I heard you once say that the cause could possibly be a tumor or some kind of infection.  I have no other problems but this happens daily.  I feel fine otherwise, what do you think?<p>

<i>If infected, Dr. Gabe recommends wallowing in mud and squealing like a pig
until the wound feels salved.  After that, dine on the delectable Dr. Gabe
chocolate bells.  Finally, if all else fails, we recommend using Dr. Gabe's
Fun Rubber Tourniquet on the affected limb, and to watch a fun Humphrey
Bogart flick while your limb slowly loses circulation and then chop off
that limb after Bogey says goodbye to the lady, and make a good sausage out
of it to share with your friends, with Jus au Lyme.</i><p>


<i>- Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

Dear Dr. Gabe--<p>
     What is Pi Lam and why is it Mass Theta?  Is the Theta Large?<p>

<i>Is it ever!  In fact it is so large because we are next door to the
<a href="http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Religion_and_Spirituality/Faiths_and_Practices/Scientology/">
Church of Scientology</a>.  Scientology is a "religion" that helps you rid
youself of Free Thetans.  We have collected all the discarded Free
Thetans from their dumpster and combined them into one huge one.  In
fact, that is all that is in our basement, which sometimes makes it
difficult to do the laundry.</i><p>

<i> Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

What ever happened to Alan "ziggy" Perzigian '89?<p>

<i>"Ziggy" went into the FBI's witness protection program about four
years ago during the Iran Contra thingy.  His new name is David Ayden and
he now lives quietly at 448 Beacon St as a guard dog.</i><p>

<i> Dr. Gabe</i><p>

<hr>

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Questions and answers that have restricted access due to their questionable taste.<p>

<app class="noisey" src="./" width=0 height=0 sound="meow.au">
<applet codebase=./ code=noise.class width=2 height=2>
<param name=sound value=meow.au>
</applet>