Dr Gabe's Oracle of Wisdom

Please Note: The advice given here is not to be taken seriously (duh). If you'd like a serious response send mail to hershey@mit.edu since he never has anything better to do... Just remember - he's no Dr Gabe.

Dr Gabe's Path to Righteousness

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5. Dr Gabe's Link of the Week Last updated Fri Feb 9 1996

Recent Questions and Answers

• I'm a dictator of a third-world Middle Eastern Country. I would like to know how best to oppress my people. Also, what is the best recipe for Fruit Cake?

  As you may be aware, there is no "recipe" for fuit cake, it is sort of like a type of igneous rock formation. Fruit cake is not made, just the same ones are never eaten (since it is rather impossible) and passed around each holiday season. Fruit cake can neither be created nor destroyed.

  Thus, the best way to oppress your people is to give them only fruit cake to eat. They will either break out all their teeth on it, or else starve to death. There is a slight risk, however, that they rise up in rebellion using the fruit cake as weaponry.

  - Dr Gabe

• Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

  The hen came first. Then the rooster, then the egg.

  - Dr Gabe

• Dear Dr Gabe,

  I recently saw a poster for a film called "Spanking the Monkey". The sort of person I am requires me to comment without actually seeing the film. It enrages me when Hollywood mistreats and exploits animals, beating up monkeys is NOT! my idea of a fun Sunday afternoon and I certainly think that these sort of films should be assigned to the scrap heap along with smut and dirt.

  Dear Mr. Conclusions,

  I did see the movie in question, and let me assure you that the monkey did indeed deserve every spanking he got. He was in fact a very very naughty monkey, and needed to be punished.

  - Dr Gabe

• Do you answer all the questions.

  Luckily, not "all" the questons are posed to me. "Ask Marilyn" gets many of the harder ones, thank God, including ones like "How can we achieve world peace?" Conveniently, she also get the ones like "How can you rearrange six napkins so that you end up with total coverage on four circular tables?" and so on. Those questions just annoy me. I am also annoyed by questions like, "I just dropped a large weight on my foot. Do you think it is broken? It really hurts, and I wish it would stop. What should I do?" Another thing I hate is questions posed in the form of an answer.

  - Dr Gabe

• What does it mean to have self-control?

  Well, in my case it means not giving you the answer I would really like to give. This is one of those "How can we achieve world peace?" questions. You should "Ask Marilyn".

  - Dr Gabe

• My name is Gertrude and I am 21 years old. I have never had a boyfriend in my lifetime and would like to receive some advice from you as to why this may be.

  Your name sounds like a lady who collects dried flowers. Change it to something like Anastasia or Eurotrasia.

  - Dr Gabe

• If a tree falls on a guy in one of my classes who I had sex with last night who does not even recognize me without cool-whip, would anybody care? What can I do other than walk around dressed in whipped topping?

  Oh!!! You were the one with the cool whip???

  Well, you could try the hot chocolate syrup or some peanut butter next time.

  - Dr Gabe

• I have an 8 year old labrador retreiver who appears to be a normal dog but she has one annoying habit that drives me crazy: she eats shit! It could be any shit outside and she'll eat it! Is my dog retarded or what?

  Maybe you can just use your dog's unusual habit to save some money. Get a cat, and let the dog eat out of the litter box. She'll think it's a buffet!

  - Dr Gabe

• Well, since this advice is from frat daddies I can only surmise what the cat means...

  That the fraternity is acutally the secret headquarters of the PETA Avengers, and that we have hidden our "super-industrial anti-fur coat spray paint" into large cans that most people would think contained beer? Foul wretch! Now we have to find a new cover.

  - Dr Gabe

• Dr Gabe,

  I am 5' 3" and have a real hard time getting chicks to take me seriously. Even when I do get them in the sack my 3" penis lets me down badly, they never seem to want to see me again.

  Please help and advise what I can do.

  Do you mean that your 3" penis lets you down, or it let's them down? If you mean it lets them down, learn some new techniques so that you can make them squeal like a weasel. Then your penis size won't matter. They'll say to their friends, "He's got the smallest penis I've ever seen, but I don't know if I could take it any bigger. If it was larger, I'd probably pass out!"

  - Dr Gabe

• How does a thermos know whether to keep something hot or cold?

  Contrary to popular belief, thermoses act as a collective omniscient god.

  - Dr Gabe

• Dear Dr. Gabe

  I was curious, since you're a cat, does that mean even though you're an "oh-so-sophisticated one" that you still lick your genitals?

  Oh, come on. Like you wouldn't if you were that flexible.

  - Dr Gabe

• Why do the signs, located on the doors of all 7-11's, say: "No shirt, no shoes, no service?" Does that mean, given the established parameters, one could conceivably enter 7-11 wearing a shirt and shoes, yet nothing else?

  If you went in dressed like that, the service you get might be of a completely different kind than if you were fully dressed. You could always try it and see. Let me know how it turns out.

  Then again, given some of the 7-11's I've been into, the "No shirt, no shoes, no service" is actually a description of the employees.

  - Dr Gabe

• Dear Dr. Gabe,

  I have a real problem and I know you can help. Men won't go out with me. A friend of mine says that it's because I'm too agressive and that turns men off. I'm 5 feet 1 inch with cute short blonde hair, I weigh 115 lbs and there's nothing physically or mentally wrong with me. By the way my measurements are 38-29-34. Can YOU help me?

  Of course I can help you. Are you available this weekend?

  - Dr Gabe
  (617) 267-4935

• I've had what appears to my Psychiatrist to be bi-polar affective disorder that's been affecting me since birth. I had an aspirin overdose at age 3 and a suicide attempt at age 4, a cow kicked me in the head, I was hoping it would end the pain. It didn't. I was circumcised at age 19 because of a condition called phimosis. My question is: are you familiar with other cases of phimosis and if so do patients experience psycological problems. Thank-you....

  Being somewhat knowledgeable on circumcision and the associated medical issues (it is something of a hobby of mine), I don't believe that phimosis can cause psychological problems (or psycological ones, either). However, I have heard from several men who claim to have been psychologically damaged by the pain & suffering, as well as the mental aspects of the mutilation, of the circumcision itself. However, since you seem to have had problems before the circumcision, I expect that you were pretty screwed up from the outset, probably just something hooked up wrong.

  - Dr Gabe

• Gabey,

  I have read everyone of your witty, cheeky, and somewhat sexy responses, and to be completly truthfull, I love you. I have been in love with other cats, but none so irresistable as you. I dream abaut you night after night, licking your paws, getting a furball, oh just the thought arrouses my tail. I love you.

  Sounds good to me. You know, sometimes I get tired of chasing my tail alone. I'd love to share your litter box. Get in touch if you want to exchange a few little cat nips or something.

  - Dr Gabe

• How do you know when you are really in love?

  I know because I get really queasy-feeling and then throw up. No, wait, maybe that's when I have hair balls or when I get really excited because I am about to be fed.

  - Dr Gabe

• I am twenty years old and have just recently discovered that my sexual feelings are for the same sex (consequently, I am a male). This is how I feel but I don't know how my family and friends will react. My father, as well as many of my friends, are extremely homophobic and I am afraid that they will not accept me for who I am. What should I do?

  Maybe you could get a boyfriend who is extremely effeminate; so effeminate, that your friends & family think that he is a girl. That way, you can have your beefcake & eat it too, in a manner of speaking.

  - Dr Gabe

  (P.S. Technically the definition of "male" does not depend on your sexual preference.)

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