Now that you’ve achieved success, it’s time to prove it! You will need to show us evidence that you’ve completed some or all of the careers you previously prepared for. This evidence is in the form of Items of Achievement. Fortunately for you, none of us have actually seen most of these things, so we’re acting mostly off of what we’ve heard.
Of course, the only real measure of success is money. Your life really amounts to nothing without it. Our appraisers will value your Items of Achievement and grant you (fake) money with which to demonstrate to your peers that you have Succeeded In Life. You will be granted money based on our known criteria of each object, and a standard rubric of the following categories
For each Item of Achievement, you may receive up to $50M in each category (in invisible fake currency), for a total of $250M possible per item. In order to fully prove your success, you’ll need to earn an amount of money that depends on your team size
Team size | Quantifiable Success |
---|---|
1 to 20 team members | $1B |
21 to 40 team members | $1.5B |
41 to 60 team members | $2.25B |
Greater than 60 team members | $3B |
Since success is also judged against meeting your goals, you must demonstrate items for professions that you previously earned Keys To Success for. If you have proof for all of these careers and still need more cash (don’t we all), you may then add more careers.
When you believe that you have all of the necessary items, submit the instruction “ITS DEFINITELY ALL REAL” to Cranium Command, and we’ll schedule some appraisers to visit your HQ.
The Items of Achievement
Career | Item of Achievement | Characteristics of Item |
---|---|---|
Race Car Driver | A quilt |
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Architect | Blueprints for the Stata Center |
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Doctor | An x-ray machine |
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Rock Star | A music video recorded for us |
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Cheerleader | A cheer routine featuring multiple team members, created and performed for us |
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Professor | Tenure | If we told you exactly what was required, would it really be tenure? |
Astronaut | An astronaut helmet |
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Firefighter | A fire hydrant |
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Lion Tamer | A caged lion |
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Ballerina | A barre |
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Engineer | A Brass Rat |
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Movie Star | An Oscar |
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Clown | A clown car |
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Dinosaur | RAWWWR (you are now a dinosaur) |
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Mountain Climber | A mountain |
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Princess | A unicorn |
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Standup Comedian | An SNL-style skit, written and performed for us |
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Volcanologist | A volcano |
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Pet Store Owner | A small mammal habitat |
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Paleontologist | A dinosaur skeleton |
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Doctor Who | A TARDIS |
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Park Ranger | A campfire (no actual fires in HQs please) |
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Baker | A cake decorated by your team |
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Politician | An elected official |
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