[examining the offerings] Oh, well what do we have here?
Hello, I'm Bob the Gecko!
Hmm? Oh, how do you do?
Are you related to March?
Yes, my brother.
He's super rich! Do you like cheese?
Well, actually my lactose intolerance prevents me from...
I LOVE CHEESE. Mr. Hatter let me pick all of the snacks so I made them all out of cheese!
I... see. Is there anything not with cheese?
Nothing but cheese! I got every kind! Do you know how many kinds of cheeses there are?
Well, I have organized several social events before, so..
There are SO MANY! There's even an app for it! Do you have a iPhone?
I think I left it in my fur.
Oh ever since I got rid of that furry coat I feel so cold all the time, but it just won't do to stuff my wings inside some old coat. Wow, what an amazing closet! It's like a walk-in. I wonder who all these coats belong to. Oh my, is that a Hare coat? It's simply adorable... I wonder if it would fit me.
[sound of door shutting]
Oh my, it's awfully dark in here. I wonder where the light switch is.
[rustling, sound of things falling to the ground]
Well, a light would just attract those stupid moths. Honestly, who do they think they are?
Oh dear. Maybe I should call someone?
[sound of cellphone dialing]
Hello? Hello? No, I'm not in danger, I just walked into a closet and I can't seem to find my way out. Why are you laughing?
[crunching sounds] Great party, huh? Want some espresso beans?
Are they those chocolate covered things? I never got why people eat those.
Actually they're covered in a 50/50 coffee chocolate compound for extra caffeine.
I think I need some real food, thanks.
Your loss! I think the selection might be a bit limited though. Hey, you look really familiar. Have we met before? Or maybe you have a relative here?
[sighs] Tweedledee and Tweedledum.
O-M-G, really? I've been making shoes for them for years. You must be Tweedledoo! Dee and Dum are always talking about you.
All good things, all good things! In fact, I was just talking to Dee on the phone and he was saying how smart you were. Then Dum texted me saying you're a total dumbass. [pause] So which one do you think is right more often?
Is the bar next to the food?
Nevermind, I'll find it.
[sound of spray can]
Real nice view out here. Southern exposure. Must get a lot of light.
And that's exactly what's wrong with it:
Too much Nice, not enough Real. A turtle can barely even see the streets from way up here!
Aaaand that should do--
[surprised, drops cans] What the--! Man, how long you been out here?
You know, I truly admire your work. As a fellow artist, I mean.
You can't just sneak up on someone, all ninja-like.
Ha-ha! Terribly sorry! Though if we're making ninja comparisons, you're the one in the mask. I love what you did there with the columns, by the way.
Yeah, well, I gotta protect my identity in public. Some folks just don't get Real Art, know'm sayn'? You're an artist too? I thought everyone at this party was just imitatin'.
I work with teeth! I'm a dental artist, if you will, work out of Cheshire mostly, you may have seen my work? Or not...
Ah. Right, well, I guess yeah, I mean, I'd call it more of a craft if we're bein' Real, but who am I to define what is or isn't art, y'know wha'm sayin'?
Here, let me give you my card. Feel free to give a call if you ever want to talk art. Or, you know, if you want a smile that shines as magnificently as the moon.
Um. Yeeeah, well, you know, I don't really got no teeth, me bein' a turtle and all...
Nothing like a good constraint to get the ol' creative juices flowing, eh? You know what I'm sayin'?
No. No, not really.
Ooh, it is good to get out of that cold. It's simply freezing out there. At least this foyer is heated. I wonder who is here already. Ugh, I have to get through Tweedledoo to get to the food. I don't really know why Dee and Dum have to invite him to these things. He's such a lout. My feathers are ruffled. Won't impress the ladies if I look disheveled, now will I?
Hey. Are you in line for the john?
Indeed. However, it is currently occupied.
Ah. Figured I go before getting a bite, you know? The cheese back there looked pretty good.
Oh there's cheese???
Hatty's quite the gourmand. I'm the Titmouse, by the way. Always nice to see another high flyer.
Butterfly. I used to like cheese more when I was younger but I'm trying to watch my figure now.
It is a lovely figure.
Why thank you!
[a flushing sound]
You're up next, bud.
Oh no, you go ahead.
It’s simply freezing in here. I’ll just get my fur... Besides, I can’t let that Titmouse see me without my jewelry. That arrogant prick will just have to make a comment, and I simply can’t bear it. He’ll probably brag about his iPhone 6 or something.
At least the bar is in the next room. I can just get some liquid courage and then... just ignore, ignore, ignore. Be above it all, April. You can do it.
Hatta must think he's very funny, holding a cocktail party with no cocktails. [slurp] No matter, I always bring my own beverage. Would you like some? It's freshly home-brewed kopi luwak. Very good.
Ah, no thanks. Though I have much respect for whoever pranked the aristocracy into drinking something that came out of a ferret's--
Civet! [slurp!] OmygodareyouwhoIthinkyouare?? You ARE, aren't you?!
Well, um, if you think I'm the--
You're the Actual Turtle, amirite?? [slurp]
...the REAL Turtle, actually, a.k.a. Pranksy, a.k.a.--
[not missing a beat] I can't believe it's really the Actual Turtle. Just right here in the hall with me. Hold on--[frantic phone typing sound]--tweeted it! Wow, if Hatta doesn't have taste in shoes, he sure has taste in art! They're saying you're the next Leonardo, or Michelangelo, or Raphael, or Donatel--
Really, I don't like to be compared to other, uh, artists.
Of course not! [slurp] Tell me, how much was your last piece worth?
Um. Well, if the cards had caught me in the act it probably would've been worth my head. Wait, who are you, exactly? You don't deal with cards, do you?
Hahaha, nooooooo, I'm just your average, highly-renowned high-end footwear fashion designer slash visionary slash below-the-knee lifestyle consultant. [impressive sluuuurp]
You a shoemaker?
Cordwainer. I'll give you an example of what I do, a complimentary consultation. Now, tell me about your choice of footwear, it's very interesting. I never imagined such a renowned artist would don such humble leather moccasins.
Actually, those are my feet. I don't wear shoes. I'm a turtle.
Ohhhhh. [beat] [sluuuuurp]
Hi! Do you like cheese?
Sure do. What's good?
Oh we have all kinds here. If you like a bleu or something a bit on the stinkier side, they're on the right side of the buffet, and on the left we have some unpasteurized cheeses. You should avoid those if you're pregnant.
Do I look like that's a problem?
No, but you never know!
Isn't there any pepper jack or something?
I think Dee likes the smoked gouda, but Dum told me it tastes like butt.
You know, I don't really care what they think. Just crackers are fine. Where are the drinks?
Other side of the bathroom. You shouldn't drink if you're pregnant either, you know!
Whew! That guy was exhausting. I just had to leave him on the opposite side of this place. Can't stand these kind of people, who don't got a single ounce of real in 'em. I can't even remember why I accepted the invitation to come here.
[sound of door slowly opening]
Oh yeah, I think I remember now... It's an excellent opportunity to make some art. Something they can really appreciate. Why hello, walk-in wardrobe full of high-and-mighty-society coats. What will you become today? And why are there so many of you lying on the ground there? No matter. Let's just have a little privacy... [sound of door closing] And make all of them friends...
[assorted sounds of rustling coats, zipping, ripping, etc.]
And, what do you know, I made another art.
Hatty's furniture taste may be eclectic, but is quite a lovely salon. But how can the center of the party be so deserted? Where did that delightful... vision go? She has such beautiful wings. The bathroom is right next to here, where could she have gone?
Perhaps I should find us both a drink and a quiet place to chat. Should have asked for her number. Ah well, she couldn't have gone far... ah I see her on the balcony! But she must have passed through here to get there. Perhaps I can ask her for that drink... this couch looks like a nice location for an intimate chat...
I don't think I was in this room before... I thought the bar was just next to where I was. I must have gone the wrong direction...
Oh shut up.
Hatty is simply insane, who puts all of these candles in a library?
Hello? Who is this? Oh no, I'm afraid she's unavailable right now.
Oh goodness, how surprising! From across the way it looked like a giant face was smiling at me, but now that I'm up close, it looks like it's just the balcony that was smiling! Or perhaps somebody painted the columns to look like teeth. Either way, it's a rather clever trick, and quite beautiful. And being in the fresh air is such a wonderful feeling. [delighted chuckle] Well, I suppose this is Wonderland after all, silly! I don't even feel as chilly as I did earlier. Indeed, who can feel chilly when you're leaning on a giant smile and admiring the outdoors? Oooh, a flower! [sniff] Hmm.. [delicate licking sound] It's delicious! [she continues] Wow, these flower are so... AMAZING! [more flower licking] Oh dear, I don't know what's come over me... [om-nom-nomming]
Welcome to the number one spot at the party. Care for a cocktail?
Jack. No ice. [to himself] If I have another person ask me about my stupid brothers...
Here you go.
Thanks. Why do they put the drinks so far from the door?
So people get to mingle.
At least the bathroom is nearby.
Make the next one a double, I'm going to stay here for a spell. Is there an outlet where I can charge my phone?
I can put it back here.
That's it. This toilet is ridiculous. Even though I flipped it upside down--and found quite a few lost cellies in the process, I might add--the sheer level of ridiculousness does not change. This whole place is ridiculous. I can't even-- the toilet paper comes in silk, leather, and fur varieties? Tea candles floating in a tea-filled hot tub? And the soap... Is that literally ivory? For real??? Well, at least I should be glad it's not turtle soap.
[slurping again] Oh wow, are you the March Hare?
Oh wow, this party has the best B-list celebrities! I have got to tell my friends about this one.
Where's the bar?
It's straight ahead and then all the way to the left. Want to try some of this coffee though? It's made from a civet's...
I was just in the library.
You're doing a regular knight's tour of the joint. Your phone have GPS? I could Google map it for you.
I believe I can manage without your assistance, thank you very much.
Just offerin'... but that way's the foyer, wrong direction.
I knew that.
Oh! You surprised me. This flower is simply delicious. Would you like some?
You didn't change.
You didn't change places.
[drunkenly, confessionally] I used to be a caterpillar, you know.
It's good that I didn't meet you earlier -- caterpillars are part of the Titmouse diet.
Oh that's tragic!
You're still a delightful morsel, but in a different way now.
Welcome! What can I get you?
Hey how's it going?
Oh. Hello again.
Try the bourbon. It's delicious.
I prefer something a little more continental. Cognac if you have it.
How'd it go with the butterfly?
I don't know what you're talking about.
[giggling, "high" on nectar] Hiiii! I'm a butterfly! Are you a sssssalamander?
Oh god, she's high on nectar. And you, tortoise-with-the-mask. You do realize this is a cocktail party, not a masquerade ball. There is a difference, you know?
Oh yea, right. Sorry, if my mask offends you. I guess I can be a little slow sometimes. You know, turtles. I'm just gonna look for a leaf of lettuce or somethin' to munch on now...
THERE'S ONLY CHEESE!
OH, I ADORE CHEESE! But I'm still working on this flower at the moment.. [light licks].
[the sound of spray cans shaking and spraying start]
For crissakes, Bill, I thought there would be cocktails by now. Am I the only one who knows or cares that a cocktail party is supposed to serve cocktails? This event is supposed to be a centerpiece of high-society, and I'm stuck here with a barely legal butterfly who's high as a kite, an incompetent lizard with a cheese fetish, and, of all creatures, a tor.. a tortoise.. Hm. She was just here.
I like your coat! Is that real turtle fur? [giggles]
I beg your pardon??
What'll it be?
Do you have real drinks here?
In a manner of speaking.
Try the bourbon. It's delicious.
That Butterfly's really interesting, you know? She has a certain kind of effect, if you catch my drift.
I don't know who you're talking about.
Don't mind him, he struck out and now he's bitter.
I just had to get as far away from the buffet as possible, it looked like April Hare was about to go mad! But what is this room? Oh, it's full of BOOKS! [knocking and crashing sound] Whoops! I should learn to control my wings when I'm excited.
Flippy-flappy smish-smash twinkle-twankle!
Oh, hello! Um, why yes, I am a Butterfly. And you must be... the Gibbertalk, if I'm not mistaken?
Jibber-jabber! Dilly-dally chit-chat ping pong hooge mooge. Awful waffle?
Oh, that's... interesting! I didn't see any waffles at the buffet, but I'm more in the mood for a drink now. I just finished my flower!
Why that's an excellent idea! I'll pop over and see if they have any nectar at the bar...
[another knock-crash-"whoops!" sound]
I'm just going to walk out of this door before the evening can get any worse. But it's cold out there... I'll just call a taxi -- they take cards don't they? Where is my phone? Oh I left it in that ridiculous library. Maybe I can just cut through the Balcony to get there...
What'll it be?
Do you have any flowers?
One St. Germain spritz coming up.
April seemed really mad before.
She's high strung.
She's a maniac. And a pathological liar. Don't believe a thing she says.
What did she do to you?
We used to be married.
I'll have another double.
Why is it so warm in here... Good lord, this books are on fire!
Flamey burney hot hot hot!
Where's my phone? Ah here. I can just dial 9-1-1…
Dead! Where is everyone, I have to warn them!
At the bar? I've been looking for it all night!
It's straight ahead, past the closet. Can't miss it.
And so then I spray painted "fools" on her fur coat...
[running in] The apartment is on fire!
What on earth happened to your coat?
What'll it be?
There's no time for that.
Are rabbits always obsessed with time?
Sure seems that way.
Books! Burning! Flames! Death!
Mad as a March Hare.
Stop confusing me with my brother! For god's sake, somebody phone the fire department!