The Zyzzlvarian Holovid Institute


Harold: "Man, am I glad you guys found me when you did. While I was waiting to be rescued, I was passing the time with broadcasts of some old ZHI celebration of the 100th anniversary of the invention of the holovid - I'm kind of a holovid aficionado - when I wandered too far afield and my vidreceptor caught afire! Here's what I was able to salvage..."

Audio file



Drop Quote


  • M. started off the Daytona 500 doing pretty well, even leading three laps, but he wound up finishing all the way back in 43rd place.
  • Under current Japanese rules, A. as Black lost by half a point. White surrounded 51 points worth of territory and captured five stones.
  • M.'s team got one field goal and four touchdowns, two of which were followed by extra points and two of which were followed by two-point conversions.
  • Two of J.'s throws hit the bull's eye and the bull's ring. The third nearly hit double 20, but went just a bit too far to the right.
  • M.'s first eight spins were 4, 2, 3, 5, 4, 6, 2, and 6. Unfortunately, his opponent's first eight spins were 1, 5, 4, 2, 4, 6, 1, and 5, which landed his opponent at square #100 and won the game.
  • J. went first, kicking the game off with cENTURY at e8.
  • J. opened the game with a turkey, but then rolled a lousy four and one in the next frame before dropping the ball on his foot and having to leave the game early.
  • Playing without a handicap, M. had an outstanding day on the links, hitting three eagles, five birdies, and only one bogey on a par 72.
  • N. moved to Cockfosters, West Brompton, and Picadilly Circus (in order, but not necessarily consecutively), putting two other players in knip in the process. He then got trapped in the Dollis Hill loop for six turns before finally reaching Mornington Crescent.
  • D. went score-free most of the game, but then had the misfortune of taking the queen of spades (but no other point cards) two rounds in a row, followed immediately by the player across from him shooting the moon. Fortunately for D., the player to his left had been having even worse luck, and that shot ended the game.

Goofus and Gallant

  • Goofus commits several murders, believing his victims pose a threat to his continued existence.
  • Gallant tracks down a serial killer and overcomes a threat to her continued existence to stop him.

  • Goofus is responsible for shipping tens of thousands of innocents to their deaths in a prison.
  • Gallant struggles unsuccessfully to keep an innocent from being sent to his death in a prison.

  • Goofus blows up a planet other than his own (and is played by a bodybuilder).
  • Gallant stops one of two explosions on a planet other than his own (and was played by someone who was trained by that bodybuilder for the role).

  • Goofus has others kill the criminals who want him dead or ruined.
  • Gallant, when faced with criminals who want him dead, kills most of them himself, with some help from his wife.

  • Goofus is cruel over the course of his sea-based journey, torturing his fellow travelers to the point of rebellion.
  • Gallant is kind over the course of his land-based journey, and becomes committed to helping his fellow man acheive a better life.

  • Goofus hunts and kills game.
  • Gallant loves the game, and played 2,130 in a row.

  • Goofus escapes from prison and uses a grisly disguise to trick a fast vehicle into carrying him away.
  • Gallant pilots his own fast vehicle to help someone else escape from prison.

  • Goofus kills and eats a fisherman with an initial Q.
  • Gallant enlists the help of a fisherman with an initial Q (who also dies, but it's not Gallant's fault).

  • Goofus commits ultraviolent acts in a dystopian future, just for fun.
  • Gallant commits ultraviolent acts in a dystopian future, but only to defend herself against an inhuman attacker.

  • Goofus (or something in control of Goofus) kills a man for being a practicing Christian.
  • Gallant stops many people from being killed for being practicing Jews.

  • Goofus memorably bursts out into a workplace and makes it a whole lot more uncomfortable.
  • Gallant memorably takes a stand to improve her workplace.

  • Goofus has a problem with a rabbit. She does not handle it well.
  • Gallant has a problem with snakes. He handles it well.


"I've got an act for you. You'll love it."

"Sorry, kid, I'm all booked."

"Oh, but you'll love it if you just let me describe it! I swear!"

"Fine, fine. I guess it won't hurt to listen for a few minutes."

"Great! You won't regret it. Okay, so the act starts out with this man and this woman trying to hitchhike, right? And the man can't get anyone to stop, so the woman hitches up her skirt a little bit and BOOM. A car stops."

"Uh... huh. Go on."

"They hop in the backseat, and in the front seat are these two women. Only they're not women, they're men dressed as women trying to hide from these mobsters, see?"

"Okay, sure."

"So they're driving along, and they decide to stop at this deli. And they get into an argument, and the woman decides to pretend she's enjoying her food. I mean, really enjoying it. And this other woman a table or two over is watching this, and she tells her waiter, "I'll have-"

"I think I've heard this one before. This part, anyway."

"Oh, but you haven't heard what happens next! They get kicked out of the deli, and they really, really need money, right? So one of the men decides to stage a musical about Hitler..."


"Stay with me, stay with me. This reporter comes out to cover the musical, even though she's about to retire and marry this boring guy, right? But then she stumbles across this escaped murderer, and she gets all obsessed with covering that story instead..."

"I... I'm confused. We're following her now?"

"No, no. At this point the act's all about this one actor in the musical, right? He tries to get more work after that, but nobody wants him, so he dresses up like a woman..."

"This again?"

"Shush. It's important to the punchline. Anyway, he does that, but it doesn't throw off the other woman from the deli, who's a friend of the family, who's trying to convince him to sleep with her..."

"You're just rambling now."

"I promise this'll all make sense in a minute. Finally he gives in, and the two start getting really hot and heavy... But they accidentally activate this PA system and the woman gets this embarrassing nickname when their dirty talk is broadcast across the whole camp..."

"WHAT camp?"

"The camp they've been at this whole time! Try to pay attention! Anyway, afterwards they all sit around the campfire eating beans. Nature takes its course, and..."

"Ugh. You're done. Get out of my off-"

"Nonono! Wait! I haven't even got to the best part! All of them - the hitchhikers, the crossdressing murder witnesses, the murderer, the reporter, the actor, his lover, and the whole rest of the cast of the musical - they all get crammed into this liiittle tiny stateroom..."


"And then the woman decides to get married, but then her ex-husband blackmails her into allowing this reporter to attend the marriage, and then it turns out the woman likes all three of them!"


"...That's all."

"*sigh* Fine, I'll bite. 'That's a hell of an act you've got there. What do you call yourselves?'"

"Singin' in the Rain!"

"...No. Leave."





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