Puritan Test


We must endeavor foremost to follow that which is entirely Puritan in character. Else, we are no better than Wilhelmina W. Witchiepoo or other sinners.

  1. What be the correct show of devotion to the LORD?
    1. Hands folded at bowed head
    2. Rapt, oiled torso writhing
    3. Whispering in obscure profanities
  2. Which maketh the finest hair shirt?
    1. Stinging ant mesh
    2. Squash and turnip strands
    3. Two pair otter pelts
  3. Filleth the blank: "Goody Wright ____ to the Devil!"
    1. Art unnaturally akin
    2. Ain't too averse
    3. Doth turn her soul over
  4. What doth this picture suggest?
    1. An earthly delight
    2. Thanksgiving feast nap swoon
    3. Pain, tragedy, and giant birds
  5. Jabots - how poofy is TOO poofy?
    1. Two pleats should be apt enough
    2. Hills of frills! Lakes of lace! With floral print rims!
    3. Fanciful neckwear means ruin, whatever the style
  6. Be thou sinful?
    1. Part of me is naughty
    2. Is this query or trap, rather?
    3. Regularly as rain each April
  7. Thy neighbor's child is possessed. How should he be exorcised?
    1. Tar and feathers
    2. Bible raised high, rant thunderingly of the LORD's power
    3. Nutria hair on the abdomen - marvelous against ye olde spin-and-spew
  8. Hast thou ever "Smacked the flapjack?"
    1. My motto: do it every day for good health
    2. No, the spattered paint really makes a mess (I'm told)
    3. 'Tis difficult to train each waterfowl (I'm told)