The Prodigious Riddle of Juno

 

Juno is more than happy to give you all the information she has. Taking that information and actually getting anywhere with it is your own problem, though.

  • Everyone alive has exactly one single-digit favorite number and exactly one favorite letter from the English alphabet. (Yes, even the ones who don't use the English alphabet. Just... just work with me here, okay?)
  • All people whose favorite letter is from the half of the alphabet that makes up the phrase "BOUNDARY LIGHT" can honestly list "yo-yo harvesting" on their resumes.
  • Incredibly mild subconscious irritation leads to authorship of Eureeka's Castle fanfiction.
  • If a person sets off a well-calibrated clumpometer, you can be sure that person's favorite letter "is for" an eight-letter word in the title of a novel in Sue Grafton's Kinsey Millhone series.
  • Those who receive grace periods always have a favorite letter whose Morse code representation's dots outnumber its dashes.
  • Those unable to take the secret subterranean fast lanes on most highways subconsciously harbor incredibly mild irritation.
  • Side effects of Tunabrix include cackling, dramatically longer eyelashes, and beige-taupe colorblindness.
  • A daily roddenberry smoothie is the only way to power up one's imagination to high-octane levels.
  • Joyous little organ riffs accompany any positive accomplishment made by anyone whose favorite number corresponds to a non-battery infield position in baseball numbering.
  • All of the world's greatest dammitball players have played at least once at Hieronymus Clump Memorial-Once-He's-Dead Stadium.
  • The secret subterranean fast lanes on most highways are only accessible to board-certified waiting room decorators.
  • Sufferers of Motown-style insecurity excel at the javelin catch.
  • Those who can outrun massive rolling boulders always own a nonzero cubic number of plungers.
  • To lose one's journalistic integrity, one must first slay an amoebicorn.
  • Dick Clark's Rockin' Talk Like a Pirate Day is a strictly goatherd-only affair.
  • Gurus will refuse training to anyone unable to say "guru" twenty times in a row without giggling.
  • Only those who have unlocked every medal on their Achievements page know the top-secret code to access the Neutrality Dome.
  • As should be completely apparent to anyone, Batman and Spider-man have entirely different smells, and it is impossible to smell like both.
  • Triple-molecular hyperink is made in Teflon cauldrons.
  • The Brain Council distrusts anyone who doesn't have flawless knuckles.
  • If a person's positive accomplishments are accompanied with organ riffs, that person is a peat muppet.
  • People who can defuse a bomb with a big blinky timer eat velociraptors for breakfast.
  • The Stain of the Beast causes uncontrollable calmness in anyone unlucky enough to bear it.
  • Anyone who wears tight jodhpurs must necessarily also wear a ruby-encrusted derby.
  • Dedicatees of bestselling books are given free cookies on No Free Cookies For Most People Day.
  • Anyone with an upside-down question mark at the start of his or her toboggan license plate number deserves a boot to the head.
  • If someone incorrectly pronounces the word "millennium", you can be 100% sure that person is a werehedge.
  • A person doomed to forget the games of hypnojacks he or she played as a child should press 1 now.
  • All members of the League of Incongruity smell like Spider-man.
  • Zestiness is a required attribute of anyone seeking admission to the Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy.
  • As the final get-it-right-or-lose-the-whole-game question on his popular game show Oh God That Was My Brain, host Hieronymus Clump famously always asks contestants to describe the squeak of the Gate of Frivolity.
  • People with water collections must be willing to assist in the event of a flaming pretzel crisis.
  • Anyone who has successfully slain an amoebicorn must be handy with tweezers.
  • Eating artichoke kidneys is kind of icky.
  • Anyone in violation of Monaco law must wear a giant beeping steel ring around his or her waist at all times.
  • With hideous depravity comes a marked lack of netiquette.
  • Talent at the javelin catch and at defusing bombs with big blinky timers go hand in hand; you can't have one without the other.
  • The Horrible Blur Creature from Beyond pursues anyone who forgets to proofread his or her tweets.
  • The Gate of Frivolity has a distinctive and unrecordable squeak that can only be described by those who have heard it in person while passing through the Gate.
  • Lava guzzlers giggle whenever they try to say any word more than five times in a row.
  • Adjusted gross prophets always carry spray paint in case they come across graffiti that needs editing.
  • The most recent season of Celebrity Dandelion-Blowing Showdown featured only former and current cast members of the musical "Unnh!".
  • Using blasphemous arcane telephonic wizardry, the Knights of Affleck conspire to always win the backstage passes in radio contests by being the ninth caller.
  • Nobody with casino introduction capabilities is ever clumsy enough to get himself or herself involved in a wacky cactus accident.
  • People whose favorite letter's maritime signal flag lacks the color red make up for this deficit by guzzling lava.
  • Werehedges don't deserve a boot to the head.
  • If a person's skin comes into contact with anything that was made in a Teflon cauldron, that person immediately loses any sense of what makes a good Halloween costume.
  • Anyone incapable of purchasing holy oven mitts dreads the coming of the Great Bundt Pan.
  • Giant beeping steel waist rings offer a full-body workout when worn constantly.
  • The price of razor cabbage is defined as being exactly one half a cent more than the amount of money one currently has available.
  • Anyone who comes into possession of a solid gold paperclip is a prime target for white-collar cat burglars.
  • Those with integral Clump Quotients are ever-so-shiny.
  • The Comma Gods smile upon those who scrupulously proofread their tweets.
  • Having a square favorite number is illegal in Monaco.
  • Provided they have not appeared on the most recent season of Celebrity Dandelion-Blowing Showdown, everyone is entitled to unlimited free trial-size tubes of anti-poverty cream.
  • The Superhuman Kayaking feat is only available to those whose total Gallantry score ends in 3, 6, or 9.
  • Only someone who is currently a monk in the Order of Precedence can know the ancient secrets of the Aerican Empire. (If you leave the order, they make you forget. With... with magic? We'll go with magic here.)
  • The only way to stave off Motown-style insecurity is to attend Dick Clark's Rockin' Talk Like a Pirate Day.
  • Those who put glittery puppy stickers on their possessions live in lead-lined concrete bunkers.
  • All ClumpMart™ locations are surrounded by moats of ultravioletwater rapids.
  • People who have a favorite number that is exactly four letters long when written out as an English word smell like Batman.
  • Spray paint is a Class III Unsavory Fluid, and can only be carried by those with Lambda Clearance.
  • Mounting one's Potato Prize on the hood of one's car is the only surefire way to attain total invincibility against lemurs.
  • Anyone who rides a space hopper to work has an excellent sense of what makes a good Halloween costume.
  • A League of Incongruity membership is required to drink uncoffee in a coffee shop.
  • People who do not find soybean cupcakes yummy should not press 1 now.
  • Spork-wielding lunacy is caused by overly tight jodhpurs.
  • Those not privy to the ancient secrets of the Aerican Empire must eventually lose their memories of childhood games of hypnojacks as they age.
  • Eureeka's Castle fanfiction authors always win at Monopoly if their opponent doesn't take the battleship token.
  • Only a hideously depraved person could find soybean cupcakes yummy.
  • Peat muppets can outrun massive rolling boulders.
  • Those who successfully avoid wacky cactus accidents have a favorite letter that is the one-letter code for a non-polar amino acid.
  • Only exposure to zeppo radiation at age five or younger can trigger mutation in the loneliest little chromosome.
  • People who don't ride space hoppers to work eat artichoke kidneys.
  • It should go without saying that a base Gallantry score is always a positive integer.
  • The zesty are cursed to bear the infamous Stain of the Beast.
  • People with favorite letters that are neither a vowel nor the ROT-13 equivalent of a vowel always have normal, neatly trimmed fingernails.
  • A person who correctly pronounces the word "millennium" every time he or she says it is also known as a Knight of Affleck.
  • Monks in the Order of Precedence are required to take a vow of non-shininess.
  • If one cannot summon lampreys with a thought, one cannot pass through the Gate of Frivolity.
  • Those who avoid lint rain never get the opportunity to thwart crime with fruit pies.
  • To become a board-certified waiting room decorator, one must be able to reliably distinguish between beige and taupe.
  • Everyone is required to attend paper-clip straightening courses at one of two available locations, the Neutrality Dome or the Secret Lava Fortress.
  • The grand prize won as a contestant on Oh God That Was My Brain is an exclusive lifetime half-cent discount on razor cabbage.
  • The Potato Prize is awarded only to those who have never had a full-body workout.
  • Only those who thwart crime with fruit pies have the power to summon a horde of lampreys with a thought.
  • The best course of action if one is pursued by the Horrible Blur Creature from Beyond is to throw one's glasses at it.
  • Velociraptor eaters do freelance constellation invention.
  • Anyone with a favorite number that is exactly five letters long has a squeaky emu.
  • Those who visit the Secret Lava Fortress get their hand stamped with a triple-molecular hyperink smiley face.
  • Middle Dakota bars entry to anyone who doesn't have glittery puppy stickers on his or her passport.
  • Being on the International No-Hover List makes hoverport security difficult.
  • A person has a favorite letter that occupies an even position in the alphabet if and only if that person has an evil quintuplet.
  • The truly, deeply, unrelentingly, inescapably happy don't mind being assigned gumdrop-sharpening duty if it comes to that.
  • Consumption of roddenberries causes freaky-looking corkscrew fingernails like that one guy in the Guinness Book.
  • Anyone incapable of purchasing razor cabbage has an easy time at hoverport security.
  • A person with a squeaky emu never goes out when it's raining lint.
  • Middle Dakota is a tiny, tiny wasteland, with only Hieronymus Clump Memorial-Once-He's-Dead Stadium to attract visitors.
  • Ultravioletwater rapids can only be crossed by someone with at least three levels of Superhuman Kayaking.
  • Excellent tweezer skills are the only requirement for a fulfilling career in lampography.
  • All sufferers of lutefisk aversion are treated with a daily dose of Tunabrix.
  • Drinking the mysterious substance known as uncoffee is what unlocks the "Galactic Gourmand" medal on one's Achievements page, provided one drinks it in a place such that if I denied that it didn't not fail to be something other than a coffee shop, I wouldn't be a non-liar.
  • Anyone who rigs a radio contest has a favorite letter that, when spoken in the NATO phonetic alphabet, contains a long E sound.
  • The ability to safely eat glass is caused by a mutation in the loneliest little chromosome.
  • Those with journalistic integrity naturally refuse to sharpen gumdrops, regardless of circumstance.
  • True, deep, unrelenting, inescapable happiness comes from being given free cookies.
  • People with a triangular favorite number can eat glass; it does not hurt them.
  • Lambda Clearance is only given to those who have the trust of the Brain Council.
  • A person's Clump Quotient is determined by multiplying the cube root of the number of plungers he or she owns by the number of times he or she has seen the movie K-PAX.
  • People with the qualifications to become lampographers never waste their time with menial yo-yo harvesting jobs.
  • "Unnh!", the wildly acclaimed Broadway musical by Hieronymus Clump, consists entirely of melodious grunting from all cast members.
  • People who live in concrete bunkers are never in a situation where they should throw glasses.
  • It takes six-month periods and six-month periods of sort-of-grueling mental training from a special guru who lives halfway up a mountain to acquire the ability to visualize the semi-infinite.
  • Zeppo radiation renders one permanently unable to grunt melodiously.
  • White-collar cat burglars only prey upon those who can visualize the semi-infinite.
  • Provided their Secret Service code names have no more than six consecutive consonants, people are generally good at introducing themselves to strangers in casinos.
  • As the main event of the 98th Annual Everyone Ever Monopoly Tournament, Hieronymus Clump (using the dog token) played a head-to-head game against each attendee simultaneously, and awarded a solid gold paperclip to anyone who defeated him.
  • People with an even favorite number faint at the sight of lutefisk.
  • Secret Service code names that contain seven or more consecutive consonants are reserved for people on the International No-Hover List.
  • Only spork-wielding lunatics have favorite numbers that correspond to outfield positions in baseball numbering.
  • Knitting criminals are assigned toboggan license plate numbers starting with an upside-down exclamation mark; all others receive an upside-down question mark instead.
  • The uncontrollably calm excel at the sport of dammitball.
  • Those willing to rescue people trapped in a heap of burning pretzels have a x10 bonus multiplier applied to their base Gallantry score, overriding any other bonuses.
  • The dedication of Hieronymus Clump's recent bestselling nonfiction book You May Want to Have That Looked At reads, "To all potential lemur attack victims, past, present, and future."
  • Only someone who has collected a drop of water from every lake in Minnesota can have a prime favorite number.
  • Holy oven mitts are only available at select ClumpMart™ locations.
  • A high-octane imagination is required to invent constellations.
  • All people with favorite numbers that are exactly three letters long when written out as an English word have studied at the Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy.
  • Those who lack netiquette always have an evil quintuplet.
  • Anyone who pleases the Comma Gods is rewarded with grace periods.
  • Performing actions that are kind of icky will set off a well-calibrated clumpometer.
  • The Great Bundt Pan is welcomed by all but adjusted gross prophets.
  • Ruby-encrusted derbies can't be worn by goatherds.
  • Nobody entitled to anti-poverty cream takes up a life of knitting-based crime.
  • People whose knuckles are flawless always have a favorite letter that's typed using the middle or ring finger on a QWERTY keyboard.
  • Hieronymus Clump would like to gently remind any poor, deluded souls out there who might think otherwise: Y is not, never has been, and never will be a vowel. For serious and for true. Why would you even think that? I mean, jeez.