Good Will, Mystery Hunting

The latest star-studded blockbuster from Zyzzl Films would be sure to do heavenly box office, if only they could get one more big name attached to the project.

CHUCKIE: Yeah, so he's like "Check the front of my truck, I can prove I hit it 'cause there's probably some ichor or something"--

WILL: --or a halo--


CHUCKIE: And so they go around to the front of his truck...and there's another fallen angel on the grille.


CHUCKIE: Is that unbelievable? He brained an innocent cherub!

DIRECTOR: CUT! Break for lunch! Craft Services ordered from the fast food chain again!

WILL: Hey! Do you like apples?! Do you like apples?!

CLARK: Yeah?

WILL: Well I got a putt to win ten grand, how you like them apples?

DIRECTOR: CUT! I think you need a new approach to this shot. Some sort of mystic sense of self when you play it.

CHUCKIE: A retainer. Nobody saves the world without a retainer. You think you can find someone who does, you have my blessin'. But I think we all know that person isn't going to represent you as well as I can.

EXECUTIVE: Will, our offer starts you at eighty-four thousand a year, plus benefits.

CHUCKIE: Retainer!

EXECUTIVE: You want us to give you cash right now?

CHUCKIE: Allegedly, what I am saying is your situation will be concurrently improved if I had two oil rigs in my possession right now.

DIRECTOR: CUT! Do you have any idea what organization this guy is working for?

WILL: Of course that's your contention. You're a first year fish. You just finished some bracelet winner, Phil Hellmuth prob'ly, and so naturally that's what you believe until next month when you get to Dolly Brunson and get convinced that seven-eight suited is the best hand you can get. That'll last until sometime in your second year, then you'll be in here regurgitating David Sklansky about imperfect information and the importance of applied odds.

CLARK: Well, as a matter of fact, I won't, because Sklansky drastically underestimates the impact of--

WILL: --"Sklansky drastically underestimates the impact of betting adjustments predicated upon stack size, especially playing behind the big stack..." You got that from "Harrington on Hold 'em," Page 421, right? Do you have any thoughts of your own on the subject or were you just gonna plagiarize the whole book for me?

DIRECTOR: CUT! Somebody tell me why that TV competition is playing in the background of my scene!

WILL: Do you find it hard to hide the fact that you're gay?

LIPKIN: What are... talking... about... What?

WILL: Look, buddy, a few seconds ago you were ready to give me a jump!

LIPKIN: A jump? I... I'm terribly sorry... I...

WILL: Hey, I'm not gonna hit you with an oar or anything. I've also been known to putt from the rough!

DIRECTOR: CUT! Wait, is this character in the next scene your dad, or the other guy's dad?

SKYLAR: Did you ever think that maybe I could help you? That maybe that's the point, that we're a team?

WILL: What, you want to come in here and save me? Is that what you want to do? Do I have a sign that says "save me" on my back?

SKYLAR: I don't want to "save" you. I just want to be with you. I love you. I love you!

WILL: Don't lie to me! Whole platoons want to save me!

DIRECTOR: CUT! I can't take this any more. I'm hitting the beach.

WILL: Hey, Skylar?


WILL: It's Will, the really funny good looking guy you met at the bar?

SKYLAR: I'm sorry, I don't recall meeting anyone who fits that description.

WILL: Okay, you got me. It's the guy who disguised his face, aroused you with chemicals, and stole your boss's diamonds.

SKYLAR: Oh Will! I was wondering when you'd call.

WILL: The nose plays, right?

DIRECTOR: CUT! Can you people show me a little more dedication, please? Why can't I find someone who will bend over backwards for this project?

CHUCKIE: But you know what the best part of my day is? For about ten seconds, from when I pull up to the curb, and when I get to your door, 'cause I think, maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and I'll discover via my enhanced senses that compensate for my lack of sight that you won't be there.

DIRECTOR: CUT! I'm sorry, we have to do that again. That Greek chick you're always hanging out with was in the shot.

PROSECUTOR: But I have depositions from the other officers.

WILL: Henry Ward Beecher proclaimed, in his Proverbs From Plymouth Pulpit back in 1887, that "Every American citizen is by birth, a sworn officer of the state. Every man is a policeman." As for the other officers, as James Joyce said, "Non serviam." A man makes his own way.

PROSECUTOR: Your honor, how is that relevant?

WILL: I am afforded the right to defend this state by my police training, Sir. Denying me access to undercover operatives, in case you've forgotten, does nothing but interfere with my job and keep me from finding those computer chips. Without liberty, man is a syncope.

DIRECTOR: CUT! You keep screwing up those lines, I'll replace you with the actor with the goatee!

SEAN: Do you have a soul-mate?

WILL: Define that.

SEAN: Someone who challenges you in every way. Who takes you places, opens things up for you. A soul-mate.

WILL: Yeah. Rapunzel, Hansel and Gretel, Red Riding Hood, Rumpelstiltskin, Iron Heinrich--

SEAN: They're all fictional.

WILL: Not to me, they're not.

DIRECTOR: CUT! We're gonna need an English actress to guide you through this scene.

CHUCKIE: Morgan! If you're watching Cats in my daughter's room again I'm gonna give you a fucking beating!

MORGAN: What's up, fellas.

BILLY: Morgan, why don't you watch musicals in your own fucking house. Man, that's fucking filthy.

MORGAN: I ain't got a VCR at my house.

CHUCKIE: Aw, come on, not in my glove.

MORGAN: What do you want me to do?

CHUCKIE: I mean what's wrong with you? You'll cry into a baseball glove?

MORGAN: I was just using it for clean up.

CHUCKIE: Stop singing "Memory" in my daughter's room!

DIRECTOR: CUT! Look, it's fine if your kid's going to be on set, but she's gotta stop singing songs from that other musical.

MORGAN: So give me my fucking comic book.

CHUCKIE: What do you mean "your comic book"? I bought it. Hey Morgan, how much money you got on you?

MORGAN: I said I'd give you the change when we ordered the Black Panther graphic novel when we pulled up, so why don't you give me my comic and stop being a prick.

CHUCKIE: Well, why don't you give me your fucking sixteen cents you got on you and we'll put your comic on layaway. There you go, keep it right up here for you. We'll put you on a program. Everyday you bring your six cents and at the end of the week you'll get your comic.

DIRECTOR: CUT! Get Props to get me a new comic book, because I can only see the taller superhero on the cover!

SEAN: I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself.

WILL: Of course I don't. Did I mention I was an amnesiac?

DIRECTOR: CUT! That's a good scene, guys! It finally gives me the last word for the title of the third movie!

CHUCKIE: I did not betake Cathy last eventide.


CHUCKIE: Verily.

WILL: Why not?

CHUCKIE: I am fortune's fool. Cathy!

CATHY: What?

CHUCKIE: Why did you not make the beast with two backs with me yesternight?

DIRECTOR: CUT! THAT'S A WRAP! Say, what's that guy writing at the end of the movie?