My, your Evilometer is coming along nicely. Based on your progress, my associates and I feel you'll fit right in down here in Hell. We think it's about time you relocated.
But some friends and I still see a spark of good in you, and we think that if you're going to relocate anywhere, it should be upstairs with us.
You may recognize us as the two halves of your conscience. You know how they say "Let your conscience be your guide?" Follow my directions precisely, and I'll guide you into the depths of Hell, where we can start getting some serious work done. And bring a cell phone.
Don't listen to him, Hell is the last place you want to be. It's all hot and fiery… Follow my directions and I'll lead you away from Hell, and away from evil, corruption, and that silly Mystery Hunt coin.
You'll want to start in front of room 3-108. That's where most people start when they want to go to Hell. Once there, find the slideshow and walk under it. Pass two doors on the right, proceed through an arch, and look up and to the left. Find someone whose middle name sounds like something a grammatically challenged vampire would say. Take the middle letter of the name above him.
Continue in the direction you were headed. Turn right at the second opening after the dollar bill and go down. At the bottom of the stairs, turn right. Walk for a while, look for the Canadian flag on your left, and take the letter below the seven. Keep going, and turn right when an arrow points in that direction. Turn right immediately, go up two floors. Turn right at the top of the stairs, and go to the end of the hall. Bear left until you see a hose and a plant. Walk towards them. *sigh* And now in the interest of equal time…
Oh, you're such a gentleman. Find the stairs closest to you, and go up one floor. Find one of those things MIT students metaphorically drink from here, walk up to it, and turn right. Walk until you find a shiny nose. Take the last letter of the nose-owner's last listed occupation. Stand facing away from "Access", and walk forward.
At second set of double doors, turn left and go up. At the top, turn left, then left again. At the last intersection, walk away from the food. When surrounded by tasty food, find a keypad and take the symbol on the lower right button. Continuing in the direction you were headed, go to the end of the hall, then turn right and go down one floor. Your turn!
Look for the eight dapper young men, and take the third letter from the end of the hyphenated adjective describing instruments. Turn around and go through the glass doors (ignoring the caution sign). Look for two sets of revolving doors. Walk towards them.
Walk a bit past the revolving doors, look through the glass to the left, and take the fourth letter of the fourth line from the top. Continue in the direction you were headed, and walk through the arch ahead of you. Look for the three white tanks and walk towards them. Standing near the tanks, find the nearby bridge. Walk until you are standing underneath it.
Okay, now turn around, walk about three paces, look for doors on your right, and go through them. Walk to a position between the elevators and take the last letter of the country you see. Turn right, and walk up to the shiny pillar. Pretty!
Turn left and walk through the double doors ahead of you. Walk over a bridge away from a post. At the post, take the second letter of the surname in the phrase you can see ahead of you. Look for the six trees, and walk around them. Go through two sets of single doors. Don't be afraid to take a break if you're getting tired…
Nonsense. Time is money, money is evil. Go approximately straight, until you come to a large hallway orthogonal to your path. Turn left, and then go straight (until going straight any further would lead outside). Make a U-turn and go up the stairs. At the very top of the stairs, there are two sets of double doors roughly adjacent to each other. Take the middle letter of the acronym on the rightmost door.
Turn left and follow the walkway past the elevators. Turn left, go up the stairs in front of you, and then go straight. Go through the door, turn left, and then immediately turn right. Walk down the hall and through the double doors at the end. Go through the door on the right and down one floor. Go out the door on the left and walk to the giant window. Go through the double doors on the right. In this hall, find what Margaret found, and take its first letter. Walk up to the Chinese professor waiting for you at the end of the hall.
How do you know he's Chinese? You shouldn't make assumptions about people based on their appearances. Turn right, then left. Take the last door on the right. Go down one floor, go through the door, and turn right. Go to the end of the hall. Turn right and then go curly. Go through the first door on the left (disregarding the sign). Look straight behind you and take the fourth letter of the second last name under the thing that looks like HAL-9000.
Turn left and go down the ramp. Turn right and go about ten yards. Take the fourth letter of the second word of the tiny writing on your left. Continue backward, and at the end of the hall, turn right and go up the ramp. Turn left and pass through the double doors. Back to Mr. Racist Man.
Look, if you read the- Never mind. Go through the door directly across the hall and go down one floor. Exit the stairwell, turning left. Go straight, then turn left when you can't keep going straight. Go down the hallway, shift to the right, and continue another five yards. Go up one floor using the NON-DANGEROUS elevator, and go left down the hallway for another twenty yards or so. Take the first letter of the first name of the professor teaching a course advertised as lacking "real world pay." Heh.
Continue straight, and turn left at the end of the hallway; go straight for five yards, then turn right. Go through the door in front of you, and go up the stairs. Continue straight, then go down a couple of stairs. Shift to the right and continue moving, remaining on the same floor. Turn left at the hallway just past the first men's bathroom you come to. Go down the ramp, then descend one floor via the stairwell immediately on your right. Coming out of the stairs, go straight, and take the sixth letter of the second full word on the fourth door on your left, across from the black window. You, straggling in the back, pick up the pace, we don't have all day.
Okay, now continue straight, shift to the right, go straight another five yards, passing a pretty computer kiosk on your right, and go up the stairs. Continue straight, and go up the stairs behind you. Now keep going until you see a door to the inside on your left. When you're next to this door, face towards the door and walk backwards. Go crooked down the hallway behind you, continuing until you come to a hallway that leads off to your left. Take the last letter of the last word of the big sign on the glass wall to your right.
Go down the aforementioned hallway. When you reach the stairwell adjacent to the second entrance door on your right, go left down the hallway opposite that stairwell. Go straight (shifting to the right) and continue straight until you can't go straight anymore. Take the second letter of the synonym for "exceed" on the door directly behind you. This is so much fun, isn't it?
Oh yeah, there's nothing more fun than walking to work. Ass. Go down the hallway on your right, and go up two floors via the second stairwell on your left. Go left down the hallway, and after passing through a set of double doors, take the second letter of the first name of the woman you're supposed to bring deliveries to. Then continue through two more sets of double doors.
Admire the view, then turn right. There is a hallway in the middle of the side of the room you're facing; go straight down it. Descend two floors right after you pass a water fountain on your left, and then turn right. Walk about five yards down this hallway, and take the first letter of the first first name on the card next to the fire. Got your cell phone? At this point, give us a call in Hell to let us know you're almost home.
Continue going in a zigzag pattern, and after the water fountain, turn right down the next hallway. Go as far down this hallway as possible, then turn left and immediately right again. Continue backward and take the last letter of the second word on the second door on your left.
Go straight down the hall, pass a staircase on your left, and continue until you reach a stairwell. Go up one floor, and left when you get to the top. Initially, take the last letter of the fourth word posted on the first door on your right. Go through the double doors and down one floor, and knock on the door. When you're asked for a password, read the letters I told you to take, starting from the beginning. Yay! Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!