Now what is that infernal racket? And that smell?
Seeking the source, you round a corner and stumble upon a crowd of people in a disorderly semicircle. Two of them are hopping from side to side and chanting unintelligibly, while passing a pipe (which you are sure is responsible for the odor) back and forth. Another is banging on various metal plates strapped to himself and emitting an occasional grunt of approval.
Off to one side, a shirtless, swarthy man clad in loose-fitting trousers of animal fur, stands behind a small wooden table. He is sorting through the contents of several small piles on the table, carefully arranged into two columns, with scraps of paper next to each row. You cautiously approach and sniff the contents; it's definitely illicit. The stuff in the left piles has a gooey consistency, while the stuff on the right looks like dried bits of leaf, and the piles are larger. Noticing your presence, the man looks up, and says,
"Familiar with this stuff? I can't remember what some of these are. Perhaps I've had enough, eh? Try a bit of each. Maybe you can help me."
He points at a series of piles, moving down the line while alternating between the left and right columns. Your hand instinctively moves for your trusty pipe, but remembering the long journey ahead and your lack of suitable snacking material, you think better of it and glance at the scraps instead.
Quod facis Cum est nusquam aufugere Et dies irae venit Quod facis Cum est nusquam occultare Dies irae venet Dies irae venet omnibus Deus benedicat omnem fidem Deum sequitis Omna hora omnei diei Omnes dies omni anni Gloria ad deo Contra illecebram Luciferis Sursum in meiem faciem O noster pater et pastor Supplicamus tutela Meus cor est semper versus Nam deus est justus deus Et non est misericordius peccatoribus O quod potest meo facere Sum circumdavi peccatoribus Potest meo invenire testem Molirimus justo et benedicta aeterna vita Supplicamus omnes dies
Greetings, My Dear Friend. I hope this letter finds you in as good spirits as usual. You and I have shared the dearest amity two friends can have, through times of great bounty and of great poverty. We have travelled the world together in the closest companionship. But now, I must relieve my heart of a great burden and conceal nothing from you, naked as a babe. Be forewarned, for the tidings I convey bid to be fair distressing; please heed this epistle of mine. My sincerest apologies go out to you, my friend, for I meant no harm by my thoughtless actions. Let me phrase this as concisely as I may: I have erred against every commonplace notion of decorum, when I met in secret tryst with your fair mother. It was an event most astonishing and inexplicable. We must have been overcome by the passion of the moment-- I have no other explanation, save that, lacking both shyness and reserve, we were possessed by our bestial natures, and came together with licentious passion. I was paying a neighborly visit to assist in pruning back the rose gardens, when I felt a shiver of premonition creeping down my spine-- a torrid gaze from afar had espied and was now languishing upon my fine buttocks. Ignoring the obvious impropriety this represented, I continued my work. However, after our task had been completed, I was invited in for afternoon tea, which I of course could not decline without shedding my own propriety. But what a sight met my eyes! There she stood, revealing her bosom--both heavy and full, spilling from her corset! I was immediately smitten by lust and, following the appropiate etiquette for such an occasion, we were soon enjoying carnal activities -- the like of which God must surely frown upon, but which flourish among the Sodomites. Please don't think ill of me, though my companionship frequently gives your mother great pleasure. I beg you, think no less of me, for I apologize most humbly. And remember, if you will, how I never perjured myself by implying that this tryst was more than a mere passion of the flesh. I implore you, do not despise me, though my companionship frequently gives your mother great pleasure. Think no ill of me I beseech you, for it is your forgiveness I seek, though you should never have placed your trust in an ill-bred debaucher such as myself.The scrap is torn off here.
I really hate wasting my time. My performance is all about rhyme. I'm safe from the cops, Cause I payed them all off, So my friends and I get treated quite fine. My music has got you entraced. Your girl wants my friend, sans romance. We're all alcoholic, And love a good frolic. Though drunk, I can still keep my stance. I was hungry and got some good food, Though it left me monetarily nude. Although I have skills, They won't pay all my bills. But who cares; my friend isn't a prude.
Due to some unfortunate disagreements and subsequent tension between me and my associates, I've been experiencing rather a lot of stress recently. It has made my life somewhat miserable. It's hard to be me. Nevertheless, I avoid being overcome by self pity, and still manage to keep trying, everyday, no matter what, to give writing my best effort. The end result is of course the superlative work you find before you at this very moment. Sometimes, I also throw parties for my friends, and this allows me to augment my income. Let me explain. I arrive quite late, around two am, while the party is still well-populated and energetic (due, in large part to the fact that there is no adult supervision). In the living room, prostitutes are engaging in sexual intercourse, and they've been hired to remain until daybreak. So, what entertaining activity are you interested in? Trust me - I have a copious supply of condoms, as do my close friends. Let's establish the mood by dousing the lights and getting some privacy, behind closed doors. And if you're experiencing moral qualms about the absence of love in this purely commercial sexual relationship, I have the remedy for that as well. I can sell you some marijuanna which will help dispel your remaining doubts and put you in the proper frame of mind. Now, get in the proper position for missionary-style sexual intercourse, and I'll set the rhythm for you to proceed to.
July 3. 0100h. Ramada Inn. 100 West Ave. Report of individual defecating in heated pool. Police were called, but individual had alreadt been evicted from the premises. A suspect fitting the description was later apprehended. However, he denied his involvement, and was released with a warning. Sept 20. 1000h. Shitsville High School. Student apprehended after assault on gym teacher. Ms. Smith, 42, was reportedly disciplining a problem student when he turned on her, seizing her by the hair and throwing her bodily into the pool. Oct 11. 1215h. Eastside Laundromat, 110 Trailer St. Attempted robbery. Police responded to a call from witnesses; however, once police arrived at the scene, both victim and suspect had fled. Ms Doe, 18, was doing laundry when she was approached by a white male in his mid 20's, 140-160 lbs. who proceeded to proposition her. When she refused, he explained that he had no money, and reportedly informed his intended victim that he was sex offender with repeated prison escapes on his record. He then demanded her wallet, and went for a gun. Ms Doe attempted to defend herself, and reportedly punched the thief through a door before fleeing the premises. Oct 11. 1245h. 50 Ghetto Lane. Report of gunfire. Oct 11. 1255h. 55 Ghetto Lane. Report of domestic dispute. Concerned neighbor called 911 upon hearing raised voices and threats expressed in extremely impolite language. Oct 11. 1330h. 53 Ghetto Lane. Individual of unknown name and residence arrested at home of Ms. Doe, 18, for alleged assault, possession of deadly weapon, attempted robbery, rape, murder, and possesion of controlled dangerous substances. On apprehension, suspect appeared to be under the influence of a potent drug cocktail, later determined to consist of cocaine, crack cocaine, and heroin. In addition, suspect was found to be missing a leg. On questioning, he insisted that the deceased Ms. Doe, had chewed it off, and that his subsequent mutilation, rape, and murder of the victim had been acts of self defense.
"Ah, women. Can't live with 'em, can't have heterosexual sex without 'em. Am I right, Sean?"
Receiving no response, Issac ploughs onwards, waxing almost lyrical:
"I think it's high time I taught you an important lesson about broads. They tend to think men have one-track minds - particularly the comely ones with bulbous hindquarters, if you know what I mean. Whenever I meet one, I initiate polite conversation, by asking her how her life is going. Now, as you know, my sole objective in relationships is copious intercourse. The only way to make this happen is by scrupulously maintaining high status, no matter how crazy your hyped and otherwise unsatisfied libido is making you. If a female senses any crack in your aloofness defense, she'll exploit it immediately. You'll find yourself in debt, paying through your nose so she can maintain her appearance. Oh, they will remain presentable, so that you can keep them around like the vacuous trophies so many of them are, but they won't deliver the goods. They can be remarkably creative in faking illness - even more so than you when you're trying to skip work. Ha! Of course, as soon as you can no longer afford their expensive tastes, they're out the door, and you find yourself in an airport bar pounding back cheap whiskey wondering what went wrong, like you are right now, while they're spreading their luscious thighs (liposuctioned at your expense, of course) for me, your still-wealthy coworker. Sorry about that, by the way. But if it's any comfort, I don't let them take advantage of me. I'm no Prince Charming."
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press, Citizens of the United States, My Fellow Americans:
God bless! It is a wonderful thing and a great honor to be standing before you today as it was four years ago. I thank the people of America for your votes, and for the vote of confidence you have placed in our great nation, by asking me to continue in your service. The coming years will be among the best yet for the people of the United States and the people of the world, as we enjoy an era of freedom and prosperity worldwide.
Of course, I must thank the men and women who worked so hard for my campaign, and repay my debt to them by never forgetting exactly who I represent and work for. Special interests, though they may seem criminal at times, are what keep this country together. I must protect those who demonstrated their patriotism by ensuring my victory, possibly by granting them some leeway in their abuses of the letter (if not necessarily the spirit) of our laws. In a few cases, such as the narcotics trade, this may necessitate greater police intervention, but as I'm sure you all know, the vast majority of drug criminals are, well, different from you and me - they don't look quite the same - and, well, it may just be for the best.
I make the following pledge to the American public: Keep supporting me, and I guarantee I will help us usher forth an era of unprecedented growth. Together, we can go far, and the sky is no limit!
I also make the following pledge to those despots, tyrants and evil men abroad, sick with jealousy over the freedoms we enjoy, who would threaten us: I will not tolerate evil in this world, and our good will prevail. The United States Armed Forces are ready to move in rapid and decisive response to any terrorist behavior, and will not shy away from the difficulties and potential loss of life necessary to topple oppressive and evil regimes and build free, democratic societies.
Again, to all the good, hard-working white Republican men and women who led me to victory, I give my sincerest thanks. As the unchallenged leader of the free world, with all the absolute power that entails - so intense as to almost be sexual in nature - that entails, I have to say that I love my job and look forward to the next four years of work for you.
As CEO of this company, I've come to speak to you today, to address the issue of flagging sales in your division. It's apparent that you're badly in need of a morale boost, and I'm here to provide just that inspiration! Remember, This company is all about you! You door-to-door vacuum salemen, you make it happen. Your demonstrations, your efforts are what move our fine product from our urban sweatshops straight to our suburban customer base.
As commission workers, I know you all fear poverty, especially after a failed sales attempt. Every sale counts. But don't waste your time moping around. You've got to get out there and make yourself known. You've got to know just how to encourage the sale, how to motivate your customers to buy our product! You know our competitors over at ACME vacuum are looking to move into our direct competition with our fine line of luxury vacuums. It's up to you now! Do you want to let that happen? Do you want to see our profits fall? No! So keep those sales coming.
We in the management know it's hard for you to hold together a martial relationship in the face of the stress, both financial and otherwise, associated with your job. We've seen the remarkable divorce figures and all the complaints regarding the required amount of on-the-job travel. However, the best way for you to end this strife and maintain a relationship is for you to focus even more of your efforts on vacuum sales! Monetary security is the best path to interpersonal security.
Of course, none of you have an education or the skills needed to find employment elsewhere. Of course it's not fair, but the only hope you have for improving your situation - and for keeping our company afloat, and therefore keeping your job - is to get back out there and start knocking on doors without further delay!
"Well, I've got my beautiful airwalks, and my well-kept suit. I mean, I've used up all my allowance money and I don't have a paper route anymore. It's alright though; I'm probably still pretty cool. My new E class moped still has some gas left in it, and the other kids don't know that my mom got it for me. The other kids still think I'm cool."