Message from Axayacatl Message from Axayacatl
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The great general Axayacatl's tent lies just outside Tenochtitlan, near the temple of Miquiztli. You can hear him inside shouting orders at an underling.

"He's slurring his words," says Randall. "He must have had too much pulque."

Og perks up. "Let's take that!"

"But I thought we were here for the gold," whines Strutter.

Axayacatl's voice becomes much louder. He bellows, "Take down these instructions, and get them there on time. Make sure the couriers give you the key before you give them the message!" He begins to dictate.

Key: Short gridiron zebra
Missive: Tell the rebels to throw down their arms and disperse. Beware, they might fight in the fashion of Indians and hide behind boulders and trees. Be sure to have plenty of musket balls, as your bayonets will probably be useless.

Key: Sunken Bikini island
Missive: Take a fleet of 200 to the inlet near the Dutch-Belgian border and attack the moored French ships in the morning. Kill their admirals, or at least capture them for ransom. Your ships' longbowmen should prove particularly useful.

Key: Kieran or Nikhila
Missive: Head toward the river valley with your tanks. Look out for the Aussies, the New Zealanders, and the Brits. Their ground troops and planes will try to force you back. Stay out of the open desert if you can.

Key: Very kinky girl is a super one
Missive: The enemy may be reckless enough to cross the bridge over the River Forth. Wait until about 5,000 of their men cross over and the bridge is sufficiently crowded before you wipe out the bridgehead.

Key: Palmer's warning
Missive: Take 6,000 troops and meet the enemy at their little mission. Beware their sharp-shooters, because some of those guys act like they're real heroes. You'll probably have to storm their defenses - just be sure to leave the women and children alive.

Key: Dolly's mom
Missive: Take your new army southward. Using your longer spears and javelins, you should be able to defeat all their armies and complete your conquest. If the battle becomes desperate, have your son lead a calvary charge to break that even-numbered band of devoted warriors.

Key: Roger Water's comfortable sensation
Missive: Take my Enterprise, sail into the harbor, destroy all the ships, and impeach their provisions. Try not to let them get into the channel.

Key: Burning Pope or Fawkes
Missive: I imagine that impetuous short little man will try to retreat to the North. Go ahead of his frozen, miserable forces, and hold the bridge over the river. To be safe, burn the other bridges. He may sneak by you and escape out of the country, but he will probably abandon thousands of stragglers in the process.

Key: To value for taxation
Missive: Revenge your father's death by attacking your enemy from above. They will flee from Kyoto and hide in the pass outside Ichi-no-Tani. Wait for them on the cliff above the narrow gorge. Trust the footing of your horses, they can take you down the sandy slope to defeat your enemy at the bottom.

Key: Alabama legend Bryant
Missive: If you really want to stir things up with those crazy Brits, capture and cut off the ear of one of their prized sailors. Don't kill him! Just let him take the ear back to their House of Commons for show and tell.

Key: Read these leaves in the parlor
Missive: Don't retreat to the south side of the river. I know that you're down to only twenty thousand troops, but we just took Harper's Ferry, and we'll meet you by the creek with an additional eleven thousand men. Wait there for the attack, which will probably come in waves. Hold them off until reinforcements arrive, and you'll be able to check the enemies's advance.