Brandon Nadres - "Nads"
As “The One Percent” of Ultimate Brandon holds over 99% of all the skill on any given team. Born and bred into ultimate Brandon’s breaks are money, his hucks are money and his d’s are money. Most often hated by plebes for defrauding the other teams of points on the field and ladies off the field Brandon puts the cash in Ke$ha.
Jonathan Lambert - "J-Lam"
A wolf in wolf’s clothing it is uncertain why people bother to man cover J-lam. He once tormented a poor boy in Germany by dressing up as a wolf and then running away whenever the boy went to go get help. Heisenburg was first known to develop his uncertainty principle after being asked to guard J-lam and realizing it is mathematically impossible.
Craig Bonnoit - 85
A second year member of the ultimate team, Craig Bonnoit is best known for two things: first, his long-standing "It's Complicated" status on Facebook with Dillon Gardner, and second, his insance pecs. It has been estimated that 90% of Craig's layouts have been accidental due to the fact that he is so top-heavy that once he leans forward far enough, he simply can't get back up. As a cutter on the team, his deep cut is to be feared, and his flick break is a thing that will haunt your dreams for years.
The first person to ever actually burn someone while cutting Alex is so fast that the air behind his cut is so hot it actually burns people. When not pulling this trick on unsuspecting russains with dash cams Alex enjoys skying the crap out of Candians while wearing only an American flag.
Thomas Robert Avila - "The Mummy Returns"
There are three things that are certain in life, death, taxes and Thomas’s breaks. Having said that 100% of people living today have yet to die so statistically speaking that is 0%. Thomas’s breaks actually are the source of the term break as twice now people have been sent from the hospital from injuries just trying to follow his movements. In addition it is unlikely that he has killed the three people who ever hand blocked him and their bodies are buried beneath Robert’s field.
Mark Cutler - 2
A new addition to the team, Mark's speed makes his deep threat dangerous, but give him the in, and he will run you into the ground. As relentless as a wall in tennis, this man is your daddy. Like LeVar Burton, this reading Rambo knows where the disc will be and never fails to pull it down. He truly can go anywhere. Just take a look.
Paul Ennever - 28
As a returner, Paul brings his experience to the game. Add to that his recent development of being able to run like a cheetah, and you have a fusion of knowledge and talent. A physics grad student, he can most likely tell you where the disc will land as it leaves your hand. Mostly because he handblocks it straight to the ground.
Isaac Entz - 17
Entz is easily the best-looking man on the team. He holds the team together by providing a solid rock of advice for anyone needing help. A true inspiration to all of us on the field, his incredible physique and the layout he pulled last game to save the team are legendary; expect to hear about them. Also, this fact is for you ladies: Entz is currently single, so look him up. He has helped me through some hard times and is well known to be quite the catch. Sure there are plenty of fish in the sea, but why not try for the best-looking one?
Joel Brooks - "Koala"
Once described by the opposing team as “a huge hulk of a man we thought was Shaquille O’neal” we later figured out the opposing team was talking about someone else. Most likely to be found above your cabinets without a shirt on Joel is often compared to that one weird ex you had. Much like dating her playing Joel is a mistake you will soon regret as the only thing he clings to is the disc.
Dillon Gardner - 8
Craig's long-standing "It's Complicated" relationship status partner on Facebook, Dillon looks like the love child of a Viking and a mountain man. His beard is legendary and he can probably drink you under the table as well. One of our main handlers, he will break your mark left and right, and if you contest the foul, he will break you left and right. Often confused with Thor, this man brings the thunder. Additionally, I hear he is a good cook.
Brian Yutko - "Rage the Machine"
The betting master Yuko has manipulated everyone on the team into vomiting, hurting themselves, or in some other way amuse him almost always for free. On the field his cunning cutting causes critical mistakes causing coaching conniptions. At which point his bodylifter roid rage goes into effect and he rapidly rememerges as a rampaging rambo bent on the utter destruction of all that is in his way. It is at this point that generally the military are called. Typically after the smoke clears all that is left is Yutko with ripped clothing holding the disc in the endzone.
Year: Possibly 12 years old
As a highly advanced alien life form Brandon participates in Ultimate Frisbee to better learn American culture. This then explains his lack of understanding of anything that happened before 2007. Remember the 90’s when Koalas existed? Brandon doesn’t. In fact he is still unsure as to whether we are making up the existence of NSYNC and the Super Nintendo. Luckily enough Ultimate was a modern invention and you will feel all the worse for being owned by a man too young to even remember Kazaa.
What can be said about Kayahan that hasn’t been said of all of the great athletes (Michael Jordan, Mia Hamm, Kevin Durant, Isaac Entz). A lot of things really as Kayahan is in his first year playing ultimate. Don’t let that get your defenses down however as Kayahans cuts are slipperier than that layer of grease on a huge slab of bacon and just as likely to cause heart attacks.
Considered a class DD weapon by the DOJ it is illegal to import Matt to 69 out of 50 states. Matt was first developed during the Cold War during rail gun research and no videotapes of games where he participates are allowed as the technology is still highly classified.
William Lionard - Will Li
A slick entrepreneur Will Li may or may not already be worth millions of dollars. No stranger to the pivot Will can change directions on you faster than that yellow light you totally made that time with the dick cop.
Bobby "Ricky Bobby" Weber - 7
This "too-brown-but-still-a-clown" Mexican daredevil has the hair of Justin Bieber with the soul of a muscular iguana. When running on the court, his agility and speed make the internet look slow. Generally not the most serious of beasts, Weber is a not a solitary creature, and often moves in packs. To become a Weber groupie is the highest of honors, surpassed only by becoming his friend. If Bobby dedicated the amount of time to the world as he does to catching the disc, the earth would be cured of hunger and violence, and few would not know the name of the great, Bobby Weber.
John "carries the one" Binder
Being defended by Binder the first thing you will hear is his steps, perfectly in time following you everywhere, making it impossible to get open. Due to weird shoes you hear his footsteps, “wub...... wub....... wub.” And then about a minute into the point suddenly someone drops the disc and things get out of control. Suddenly Binder is going deep on you, you hear the deep bass call of huck go up, the entire world is shaking. You try to go up but Binder is higher than Peter Pan when he is smoking that Rufio. It was do or die, and now you have lost.
Never before mistaken for the Statue of Liberty Tuuka Verho is actually the funniest man alive. Sculpting plays on the field and balloons on the sideline Tuuka makes dreams come true with only his hands (ladies take note).
As Cody once said, “ “. This is also the sound you will hear as he runs past you for the D. A similar sound will erupt as he skies you in the end zone. Finally broken down by his silence and overwhelming skill you will just start crying, “Why won’t you love me?!?”
Brian Conn - 13
The lady's man on the team, Brian is well known to "make banana bread" with multiple ladies at a time. With a quick wit, a fast wink, and a winning smile, it is suspected that the next Bad Boys of MIT calendar will merely feature him on every page, without even bothering to put in the calendar part.
Robi “Hows my dick taste” Bhatatatatataa was once though to be the quiet one on the team. Silent but deadly is what we used to call him but that just seeed inappropriate after he teabagged a man while catching the disc over his head and screaming something no one understood. Now we just call him deadly.
Having attended his first practice thinking it was a workout for the NFL combine Ben has yet to figure out that he is not in the NFL. Regularly making plays that could appear on ESPN’s top 10 the mere fact that there is a defender between Ben and the disc is seen as a mere annoyance if it is seen at all as Ben posterizes the poor soul by jumping over him and then clap catching it just for fun.
Possibly from Chicago Ryan knows how to handle the wind. He breaks it all the time. With excellent throws and better field vision Ryan’s familiarity with a cup really shines through.
An actually spirited player Scott’s existence was long thought to be as mythical as unicorns and people on the women’s team who want to hang out with us. This makes it that much worse for the other teams as Scott will apologize in the midst of skying people and try to give the mark tips as he breaks them left and right. The same spirit does not extend to cards though where Scott is a ruthless cheater and was unable to attend the Atlantic City tournament due to a city ban on people named Scott.
Patrick Conrad and Robin Chisnell
This dynamic duo of grad students make up most of the rookie handling line. Like their namesake duo they are both quite deadly separately but when combined drive fear into the D-line of teams across the nation. With his broad range of knowledge on almost any topic the Patman brings the brain to almost any situation and is probably the only player on the team not admitted to MIT by accident. Similarly Robin is nothing like that with his joviality and laugh often preceding the weeping of the other team he just broke again.
Mama bear phys is not someone to mess with. Responsible for more than half of our team’s injuries you do not want to party boy this man. Quite possibly the scariest man to have on your side line he has twice made the other team drop the disc just by intimidating them. As the name says he does not let people mess with the team and he is not afraid to call you out for, “Cheating and helping your players cheat.”
The second fastest man in Ultimate Axis is most well known for making the team do lots of sprints and throwing Bobby blady hucks. In addition he sometimes coaches and throws dances parties where somehow everyone loses their shirts. A multi millionaire and household name after the success of button brigade and its follow up adventure brigade button Axis is never far from a burrito from Annas.