Some Notes From Getting To Yes

When someone announces a firm position
    you criticize and reject
When someone criticizes a proposal
    you defend and dig in
Are they attacking?
    you counterattack, of course!

Breaking the cycle of action/reaction
1.  Recognize the cycle
2.  Don't Push Back
    when they assert their position, don't reject them
    when they attack your ideas, don't defend them
    when they attack, don't counterattack

1. Don't attack their position, look behind it.

When one side sets forth their position, treat it as an option, and look
for the interests behind it, dig into the principles it reflects, and
think about ways to improve it.

_Assume_ every position they take is a genuine attempt to address the
basic concerns of each side; ask them how they think it addresses the
problem at hand.  Treat their position as one option and objectively
examine the extent to which it meets the interests of each party, or
might be improved to do so.

Seek out and discuss the principles underlying the other side's
positions.

To direct attention toward improving the options on the table, discuss
with them (HYPOTHETICALLY!) what would happen if one of their positions
was accepted.

2. Don't defend your ideas - invite criticism and advice.  

Rather than resisting the other side's criticism, invite it!  instead of
asking them to accept or reject an idea, ask them what's wrong with it. 
Examine their negative judgments to find out their underlying interests
and to improve their ideas from their point of view.  Rework your ideas
in light of what you learn from them.

Another way to channel criticism in a constructive direction is to turn
the situation around and ask for their advice.  If they were in your
position, what would they do?

3. Recast an attack on you as an attack on the problem.

when the other side attacks you personally, resist the temptation to
defend yourself or counterattack.

Sit back and let them blow off.  Listen to them, show you understand
what they are saying, and...

when they have finished

recast their attack on you as an attack on the problem.

"When you say this..., I hear your concern for ...."

3.  Ask questions and pause.

    QUESTIONS!
    Statements generate resistance, questions generate answers.
    questions allow the other side to get their points on the table.
    SILENCE!
    wait for them to talk.

4.  One-text procedure - let a third party draft an idea, and both
sides criticize it.