Date: Thu, 1 May 1997 23:48:45 EDT From: za sweet tink of success Subject: EXERCISE: Values (Respect) #8 [Based on the book "Teaching Your Children Values" by Linda and Richard Eyre, ISBN 0-671-76966-9] (p. 156) "Respect for life, for property, for parents, for elders, for nature, and for the beliefs and rights of others. Courtesy, politeness and manners. Self-respect and the avoidance of self-criticism." "...respect isn't just using the right words and being well trained. _Respect_ means really caring about how people feel." "...respect isn't _given_ consistently unless it is _received_." "General Guidelines" (p. 157) include 1. Extend respect and then expect respect. Treat those who you know well at least as well as you do strangers. Use "please" and "thank you." Ask instead of telling, get advice and input, and respect their opinions. 2. Give plenty of praise and recognition. Reinforce and encourage respectful behavior. Praise courtesy and politeness, publicly and privately. 3. Give people chances to correct themselves by saying "Let's start over." Establish the pattern and habit of responding to disrespect with "Let's start over." Even when you are the one who is disrespectful... 4. Teach by example. Show respectful behavior. Let people see and hear you being concerned for the property and rights of others, assisting those who need it, caring for nature, being polite in all situations, and showing self-respect in terms of how you present yourself and how you speak about yourself. Some observations/games... Role-playing: switch roles and ask yourself--How did that make me feel? Turn-about is fair play: when you think about lashing someone with some names, insults, or other slurs, stop first and think about how you would feel if you were on the other end. Magic words: "please" often causes people to do things; "thank you" helps others feel happy; and "excuse me" helps smooth and calm. Consider yourself as a magician--how often do you use your magic? Next time you feel a storm brewing, can you use some "magic words" to allay the troubles? Make a "respect chart" -- on the left, people or things that deserve respect. On the right, put down at least one way that respect can be effectively shown. Then keep track of how often you did it! In a group, brainstorm and then vote on "new traditions" of respect or politeness. Keep the winning "new habits" visible and try to use them. (also the same thing in reverse--what disrespectful acts or habits do you all agree you should try to avoid?) [special for the writers! tell us a story of a memorable example of respect. e.g. the ninety-year old who needs help climbing out and standing, but still insists on walking around and opening the door for their guest...] The self-insult list: take a few moments to list some of the names, insults, or putdowns you use on yourself. include the little sarcasms that you goad yourself with when you goof. Now--how would you feel if a friend said those to you? How would you feel if a stranger said them? Ramifications: take respect (or rudeness, or one of the thesaurus words in this family) and let yourself draw out the "leaves" that you connect to this term. Then expand on those, and see where the chains of connections lead you. I'm a bit busy right now in work and life, so we'll keep this somewhat short... respect, esteem, honor, regard, admire, value, appreciate... How about a simple transformation? Three phases: 1. Identify (SHOW US!) the person we aren't quite sure we like--the cleaner, the street bum, the CEO splashing by in her Cadillac, the person with the accent, the person with the disability...make us feel the squeamishness, the turned head, the avoidance of eye contact, the held breath and urgency to get away... 2. Up the stakes. What if we're stuck in the public elevator with them? Or maybe they're the only person there when we have an attack of acute appendicitus? Or maybe it isn't quite that dramatic--just that someone in the office notices and comments that we are really being prejudiced... 3. The revelation: they are supporting a child in college? or maybe they are driven because their significant other has problems? Or maybe the only real change is that we didn't turn our head this time, and suddenly we saw...what was in front of our eyes all the time? Anyway, show us who is really standing there. Make us realize that they, too, are human, that they bleed, that they hurt, that they are us... Quick start? How about... I didn't see her at first in the flashing glare of the emergency lights. This beginning line is provided for you, in case you prefer it to a blank piece of paper (or black screen). Feel free to use it, skip it, or revision it as needed. But don't forget to write! tink