Turning on the Heat at Starbase Zero
(Or, How to Avoid Blowing Up Your House for CompSci Majors)

Part I - Determining when to turn on the heat.
Step 1: If it is early September or even earlier, go home,
	you wussy Southerner!
Step 2:	If it is late September, keep in mind that the weather will
	become warmer (Indian summer) again; wear a sweater in the
	meantime and acclimate yourself to the cooler temperatures
	so you're not miserable in the middle of winter.
Step 3: If it is earlier than late October, do not turn on the heat, wimp.
Step 4: Close your windows, including storm windows.  If you still have
        your windows open, you shouldn't even bother turning on the heat.
Step 5: Seal all the windows in the house.  It's dumb, ineffective, and
	wasteful to turn on the heater if the windows are not sealed.
Step 6: Make sure your housemates don't have their windows open.

Part II - Getting started.
Step 1: Start off by having a decent cup of tea, which is what you
	should do when you begin anything.
Step 2: Find the directions on how to turn on the heater.  These
	should be in the closet closest to the kitchen.
Step 3: Read the comic strips page that is with the directions;
	keep Roger's experience in mind throughout all of the following.
Step 4: Read the warnings on the directions.
Step 5: Read the directions.
Step 6: IGNORE the directions and follow Part III.  Remember the comics.

Part III - Doing the stuff the directions fail to mention.
Step 1: Test all smoke detectors.  Replace batteries if needed.
Step 2: Make sure nothing is directly on top of or touching any radiator
	in the house, especially if it is flammable.  The shelves above
	the radiators on the first floor are fine.  Vaccuum and clean
	dust from all the radiators.
Step 3: Check and clean the chimney.  Go down into the basement.  On
	the side of the brick chimney opposite the heater is a small
	hatch.  Open this hatch.  Clean out any large obstructive
	debris in the bottom of the chimney; you can leave the sand.
Step 4: On a clear day, inspect the chimney for any blockage.  Get a
	small mirror which will fit into the hatch.  Angle the mirror
	at about 45 degrees so you can see up to the top of the chimney.
	If the chimney is clear, you will see a tiny blue square of
	daylight in the middle of the blackness of the chimney; proceed
	with the following steps.  If the chimney is blocked, you will
	not see a tiny blue square; call for a chimney sweep to deal.
	If all you see is black, try repositioning the mirror; if you
	still see all black, either the chimney is really blocked
	(whoa, that's really bad, especially since the hot water boiler
	is using the chimney), you're completely failing to angle the
	mirror correctly (you clutz), or it is night (you moron).
Step 5: Assuming the chimney is clear, dust off the entire heater to
        remove all the highly flammable laundry lint and spider webs
	that have accumulated over the past year.  Use a small brush
	to clear the dust off all pipes, conduits, grills, vents, etc.
	Do not miss any part of the heater.
Step 6: Fill the heater with water.  On the copper pipe entering the
	heater on the side closest to the stairs, there is a black
	valve facing away from you at head level.  Turning this valve
	will start to fill the heater rapidly.  On the opposite side,
	nearest the dryer, is a glass tube which displays how full the
	heater is.  Note the "lowest permissible water level" marking
	at the bottom of the tube.  As the heater fills, you will see
	the water level in the tube rise; the water will probably have
	bits of rust floating up and down in it.  When the water level
	gets about an inch from the top of the glass water level
	gauge, turn off the valve.
Step 7: Empty the heater of water to remove excess rust.  There is
	another blue valve near the bottom of the heater near the
	glass water level gauge.  Put a sturdy non-leaking bucket
	under this valve.  Open this valve; fill the bucket; close the
	valve.  Empty the bucket outside in the yard, not on any
	flowers.  Continue to carry buckets until the heater is mostly
	empty.
Step 8: Refill the heater, as in Step 6.  The heater will lose water
	as it makes steam to heat the house, and you should check the
	water level every few days and refill the heater as needed.
	If the heater runs out of water, then it will simply shut off.
	About once a month, the heater should be filled, emptied to
	remove rust, and refilled.
Step 9: Once the heater has been refilled, continue with Part IV.

Part IV - Following the directions.
Steps 1-16:  Do exactly what the furnace manual's lighting instructions say.

Part V - Follow up.
Step 1: Make sure the thermostat by the cellar door is set reasonably.
	Check that the "FAN" switch is on "AUTO" and turn the "SYSTEM"
	switch to "HEAT".  Setting the blue marker (coldest) at about
	60 and the red marker (warmest) at about 68 should keep the
	temperature throughout the house reasonable since the
	thermostat is in the coldest room of the house.  Make sure the
	timer displays the correct time and is running.  Set the timer
	marks to turn on (red) when people are home and awake, and off
	(blue) otherwise.
Step 2: Make sure the heat is on if it should be on.  You can tell
	the heater is providing heat when you can see flames spouting
	from all the tubes around the pilot light.  Shortly afterward,
	the radiators should become hot.  If the heat doesn't come on,
	check to see if the heater ran out of water.
Step 3: Make sure all the windows in the house are sealed, if you
	haven't already.
Step 4: Have another cup of tea and enjoy your cozy warm house.