Journal for 2003 October 02

Now that I've read a section of my new, old book, Survival Games Personalities Play, which I've read through once, and I've graded the written assignments that have been turned into me, I can use my last 10 minutes on the train to write some journal.

I brought home my DSP board stuff yesterday in hopes of working on it and getting my program, which is the pseudo-final project for the class, working. Instead I spent the whole day grading and with other menial chores.

Tuesday night, Claudia and I got into a fight. We had just sat down to dinner, each putting down our books, and about 10 minutes in, on a whim, I picked back up my book, which I had just gotten out of ESG's library, and started looking at it. Claudia responded by push her food away from her and announcing that she was done. Considerations here: Claudia told me later that this was the only 45 minutes that she was going to take for her own enjoyment all day. The thoughts that I was rolling, preventing me from apologizing immediately, were these: to apologize is one thing, but I usually follow that up with appeasing, and why should I appease Claudia for what I do naturally? Haven't we been together long enough that I shouldn't have to keep censoring my actions? Am I just being rialed up by the Open Marriage book? Does that concern make any sense?

Now it's the way back; I've read from Open Marriage, graded 4 students' work, and the train is approaching the third from last stop, Ruggles. I stayed to the next train so that I could get some audio stuff working on the DSP boards, and it was threatened that if I didn't go home soon, my laptop would be thrown out to my car.

Last night Claudia took her 6.001 test, calling me in the middle of it in tears. It was an hour into the test, and she still hadn't answered any problems, she was so caught up in her anxiety. I know, or at least believe, that she knows the material on that test well. I fear that the testing system of engineering colleges may be incompatible with Claudia's needs for authenticity and approval. From discussion with her, possibly also her extraverted thinking. The "shame" part is that she fits in at MIT so well-- she's an inspiriation to many, a steady shoulder, an excited and excitable person for the abstract play that MIT work can sometimes be.

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If you have any questions or comments that you want to email, feel free to contact me, jrising@ mit.edu.