From tedlilje@teleport.com Wed Nov 5 11:27:34 1997 Date: Tue, 4 Nov 1997 18:58:33 -0800 (PST) From: Theodore Efraim Liljeholm To: clan-net gilman Cc: Ed Klitsch , Ray Larson , Robert Skelton Subject: Coffee (fwd) Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Enjoy, my last cup of coffee was July 21, of this year. Cheers, Ted Liljeholm, Portland ,Oregon ; ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Tue, 04 Nov 1997 07:05:48 +0000 From: "J. Anderson" To: jelander@polymail.cpunix.calpoly.edu Cc: jobas@hotmail.edu, ewhiteanderson@juno.com, alecn@ibm.net, jamonty@ix.net.com.com, WARE@gate1.sbcc.cc.ca.us, tailfin@canris.com, tedlilje@teleport.com Subject: Coffee A student gave me this list when I came to class after a grande mocha and exhibited the signs of caffine overload!!! Enjoy! YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO COFFEE WHEN: You grind your coffe beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using a timer. You lick the coffee pot clean. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House". Your first two sons names are Robert and Harris. You're employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee." You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump start your car without cables. You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low". You don't sweat, you percolate. You buy milk by the barrel. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in! You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. Karmer of Seinfeld thinks you need to calm down. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. You've worn the finish off your coffee table. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you can eat chilis raw. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. People can test their batteries in your ears. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. When someone says, "How are you?" You say, "Good to the last drop." You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. You'd be willing to spend time in Turkish prison. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. You name your cats Cream and Sugar. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer Bunny. You short out motion detectors. You don't even wait for the water to boil any more. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a drip is a compliment. You don't tan, you roast. You don't get mad, you get steamed. You can't even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase his tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. You think CPR stand for Coffee Provides Resuscitation. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an IV hookup. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You answer the door before people knock. You haven't even blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.