Date:         Tue, 4 Jan 2000 22:01:26 EST

CAJUN TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISMUS

Day 1:
Dear Boudreaux,
Thanks for de bird in dat pear tree.  I fix it las' night with dirty
rice.  I doan tink de pear tree will grow wid all da heat in the summa.
Love, Marie

Day 2:
Dear Boudreaux,
You letter say you sent two turtle dove, but all I got was two scrawny
pigeon.  Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of
dem.
Love, Marie

Day 3:
Dear Boudreaux,
Why couldn't you a sent me Crawfish?  I'm tired of eating dem damn bird.
I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Therese Trahan over at
Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog Phideaux.  Therese need some
sparring partners for her fighting rooster.
Marie

Day 4
Dear Boudreau,
Mon Dieux!  I tol you no more goddam birds.  Deez four, what you call
dem "calling birds" be so noisy you could hear dem all de way to
Napoleonville.  I used dere necks for my crab traps, an fed de rest of
dem to de gator.
Marie

Day 5
Dear Boudreaux,
You finally sen' somethin use-ful.  I like dem gold rings, me, I
guarantee.  I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf
money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at de
Raisin' Cane Lounge.  Merci Beaucoup!
Marie

Day 6:
Dear Boudreaux,
Couchon!  Back to da damn birds, you Cajun turkey!  Poor egg suckin'
Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geeses.  He tried to eat dem's
eggs and dey peck de hell out ah his snout.  Dey sure good at eating
cockaroaches, though.  I may stuff one of dem wit oyrster dressing on
Chrismas day.
Marie

Day 7:
Dear Boudreaux,
I'm gonna wring yo' fool neck nex time I sees you.  Thibeau, da mailman,
he ready to kill you, I guarantee.  The merde from all dem damn bird is
stinkin' up his mailboat.  He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and
sue him good.  I let dose seven swan loose to swim on de bayou and some
duck hunters from Mississippi blast dem out of de water.  I talk to you
tomorrow.
Marie

Day 8:
Dear Boudreaux,
Poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver
dem 8 maid a milkin and they cows.  One of dem dam cow got spook by da
alligators and almost tipped over da boat.  I doan like dem shiftless
maids, me no.  I tolt dem to get to work guttin' fish and sweepin' da
shack but dey say it wasn't in dair con-track.  Dey probably think dey
too good ta skin dem nutrias I caught las night.
Marie

Day 9:
Dear Boudreaux,
What you trying to do huh?  Thibeau had to borrow the Lutcher ferry to
carry dem jumpin twits you call Lord-a-Leaping across de bayou.  As soon
as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets.  I doan know
nuthin what dat mean but I says, "Well La Di Da.  You get Chicory coffee
or nuthin."  Mon Dieu, Emile.  What I'm gonna feed all dese bozo?  Dey
too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat my turnip green.
Marie

Day 10:
Dear Boudreaux,
You got to be outs you mind!  If de mailman don' kill you, I will fo
sure.  Today he deliver 10 half nekkid floozies from Bourbon Street.
Dey said dey be "Ladies Dancin" but dey doan act like no ladies I ever
see in front of dose Limey twits.  Dey almos left after one of dem got
bit by a water mossaccin over by da out-house.  I had to butcher 2 cow
to feed toute le monde an had to get terlet papier; the Sears Robuck
catalog wasn't good enuf fer dose hoity toity Lords' royal behin's.
Marie

Day 11:
Dear Boudreaux,
Where y'at?  Cheerio an pip pip.  Yo' 11 piper pipin' arrive today from
the House of Blues, second linin' as dey got off de boat.  We fix stuff
goose and beef jambalaya and we having a fais-do-do.  Da new mailman be
having a good time, yeah, dancing with de floozies.  Thibeau, he jump
off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming yo' name.  If you get a
mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it.
Marie

Day 12:
Dear Boudreaux,
I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore, no.  After da
fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper.  We decide to
open a restaurant and gentleman's club on de bayou.  The floozies,
pardon me, "Ladies Dancing," can make $20 for a table dance, and de
Lords can be waiters an valet park de boat.  Since de maids doan have no
more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my
trotlines, an run my shrimping bidnez.  We probably gross a million nex
year.
Marie