From kvanherd@silk.net Tue Jun 9 16:08:29 1998 From: kvanherd@silk.net (Kevan van Herd) Subject: Re: forwards r me Date: Wed, 1 Apr 1998 21:03:13 -0800 Bestservhost: lists.best.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Sender: viola-errors@lists.best.com Errors-To: viola-errors@lists.best.com To: viola@lists.best.com Hi Ann- you tickled my funny bone, so thought I'd make an offer of sorts too! Province of Britishs Columbia (or Ontario) Ministry of Health Mental Health Act. Application to be Sick This form must be submitted at least 31 days before the date on which you wish illness to commence.. NAME -_______________________ Employee Number___________________ Department___________________ Position _____________________________ Nature of Illness______________________________________________________ Date on which you wish illness to commence ____________________________ (Appliciations to suffer from Pregnancy must be submitted 12 months prior and be accompanied by form #36/24/95 Consent of Husband/Wife_________________________________________________________ Have you ever applied to suffer from this illness before?___________________ If so, give dates (S) __________________________________ Do you wish illness to be slight/Severe/ Crippling/fatal ? __________________ If illness is fatal, do you wish it to be considered a permanent disability? ____ Applicants wishing to suffer a fatal illness should indicate at the bottom of this form whether they wish their co-workers and/or Board of Directors to be present at the funeral or cremation. Do you wish to suffer this illness at home/hospital/Hawaii/Banff/Vancouver/ etc____________________________________________________________________ Do you wish this illness to be contagious? _________________________________ If so, approximate the number of people you wish to infect ________ Have you ever been refused permission to suffer from an illness? ________ If so, give details _____________________________________________________ Do you wish your spouse to be informed of your illness if they contact the company regarding your whereabouts? ___________________________________ I the undersigned, declare that to the best of my knowledge the answers given above are true and accurate. Signed................................................................. Date....................................................................... Applicants are reminded that all applications will be considered on merit and that more than three applications per annum will be considered excessive, and not in the best interests of the company. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES will any employee be permitted to suffer more than one fatal illness. Band Rules and Regulations 1. If the band has an engagement and you cannot be present, don't say anything about it. 2. Don't wear your uniform unless you desire it: your citizen's dress will make the audience think you are a soloist. 3. Always wear your cap on the side or back of your head. 4. Remember a little decoration improves the uniform, such as: a flower stuck in the cap or a few medals on the coat. 5. In a parade, just walk along any old way: this will cause the bystanders to think you were engaged for what you know, not for what you do. 6. Remember--the ladies on the sidewalk like to have you holler at them: this will show the other fellows that you stand out in a crowd. 7. If you hear another band playing, don't fail to say, "Oh, that is simply rotten!' and say it so strangers may hear it. 8. Have a good time on any engagement: remember it is your picnic and you were hired to enjoy yourself. 9. Always wait until the band is about to play, and then ask, "What cher goin' to play?" and no matter what it is, don't fail to remark: "What, that old thing again?" 10. Always play as loud as you can to show the people you are the whole band. 11. Start to grumble about playing too often, and as soon as the parade starts, inform those around you that if it wasn't for crippling the band you'd go home. 12. If you see a lady friend of one of the band members, yell out, "say Jack, there's Jennie!" Jack will feel grateful for this. 13. If you are playing at a banquet, let your first question be, "when do we eat?" 14. If you go along quietly in a parade the people will think you are only a good musician: to avoid this, keep up a conversation with members on opposite side of the band. 15. When anyone asks you where you were taught music, just say, "Oh, I picked it up". Never give the Director any credit. 16. Wear yellow shoes for parade jobs, but don't holler if the leader gives you a kick with the point of a black shoe. 17. Don't bring your music stand; the other fellows will have one (maybe) and you can use part of his. 18. Develop the artistic temperament. Criticize the leader, and buck all tempos. You have studied and you KNOW! 19. Save all your funny stories for a funeral job. It cheers the mourners to hear the bandsmen laugh. 20. Don't attend rehearsals if you can find anything else to do; the other fellows are the ones who need the practice. If you do attend, be sure to come late. 21. When the band is on parade and halt is called, sit down on the curb. This will show that you are a concert performer and that it makes you tired to walk. 22. Never polish your instrument. This is an amateur trick and you want to appear as a professional. 23. Blatweasels (Altos) should never be taken from the bandroom except for jobs. Practice is not needed on this instrument. 24. The step played by the drummer is always wrong. Every man in the band should voice his opinion on this matter. 25. Allow your tuning slide to get stuck so you cannot move it; then the band will have to tune to you. 26. Always play the note at the end of a strain an octave higher; this will be a strain on both you and the audience. 27. If you are asked to play a second or third part, pack up and go home; let your slogan be "Solo or nothing!" 28. When the leader raps for order, begin to improvise; if all do this, the ensemble will be beautiful and it makes the leader good natured.. 29. While marching, if a street car or truck in the parade comes along, jump on the running board and ride a little way the band will catch up with you and you will be noticed by all onlookers. 30. Always demand from the experienced man next to you, what valve combination to make a certain note --the conductor likes perfection! I was wondering if this could be twisted a bit to make it read, "Orchestra Rules and Regulation" and use strings instead of horns etc. I have played the Euphonium in a few bands in Canada so that last one is one that I treasure ---- there are such people in bands AND orchestras! Keep up your good work - a little humor keeps us all human and happier when life gets serious. Regards, Kevan - Kelowna violist! (darn near retired now)