Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem:  "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem:  "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem:    "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem:  "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem:  "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem:  "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem:  "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem:  "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem:  "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem:  "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem:  "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem:  "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid"
Solution: "#2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack
           normal seepage."

Problem:  "Aircraft handles funny."
Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, 'fly right' and be serious."

Problem:  "Target Radar hums."
Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words."