From marla@cygnus.com Tue Oct 1 16:32:41 1996 From: Marla Pereira Date: Tue, 30 Jul 1996 10:21:10 -0700 To: junk@cygnus.com Subject: Family problems Two men met at a bar had a conversation. One of them said, "I have some family problems" After a while the other said, "You think you have family problems ? Listen to my situation. "A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son.. This boy was my halfbrother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my halfbrother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and am my own grandfather and you think you have family problems!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Girlspeak To English Dictionary She says English --------- ------- You want You want We need I want It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want You'll pay for this later We need to talk I need to complain Sure...go ahead I don't want you to. I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron. You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about? I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period. overreacting! Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house. I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper... Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like.. I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.] Yes No No No Maybe No I'm sorry. You'll be sorry. Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get get used to it. I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. In answer to the question "What's wrong?" The same old thing. Nothing. Nothing. Everything. Everything. My PMS is acting up. Nothing, really. It's just that you're such a jerk. I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Engineer and the Programmer A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.