Lambda Chi Alpha

NOTE: None of this was written by, or was endorsed by, a member of Tau Epsilon Phi, which publicly dissociates itself from the stuff contained herein. This isn't the continuation of a friendly hack between two fraternities: this is serious.

# Lambda Chi: Neato People

The members of Lamba Chi Alpha, in a valiant attempt to defend the honor of their legendary SMOOT tradition, were responsible for the willful destruction of the Tau Epsilon Phi house.

Apparantly, several TEP's had, on one occaision, embellished several of the SMOOTS on the Harvard Bridge with purple paint. This harmless and benign prank, however, did not go unnoticed by the hawkeyed Lambda Chi's, who were irrationally perturbed by what they interpreted as an iconoclastic disrespect for their traditional annual vandalism of public property. It seemed as if the LCA's could not bear to compete for the affections of the Harvard Bridge.

Since the Lambda Chi's are unduly convinced that they alone are divinely endowed with the the inalienable right to have emotional and/or artistic attachments to the Harvard Bridge, it was obvious that retaliation was a moral imperative.

On the morning of Friday, November 12, the brothers and guests of Tau Epsilon Phi awoke to discover that the fuses in their house had been turned off, their basement floor had been doused with a black dye-like substance, and that their kitchen had been drenched with a foul-smelling oil. The basement door to the street had been removed so that the vehement and righteous Lambda Chi's could perform this odious, yet supposedly justifiable task. In addition to this senseless and malicious vandalism, several items from the TEP house were stolen. Undoubtedly by the Lambda Chi's.

Most significantly, TEP's front walk had been graffitied with the phrase:

33 NERDS AND 1 QUEER TO TEP

(Note the sharp-witted play on words of "Smoots and 1 ear"!)

This appalling display of animal hostility was, most likely, Lambda Chi Alpha's means by which to demonstrate their overwhelmingly superior strength and intelligence. However, something even more frightening becomes evident in the light of this reprehensible and sociopathic act.

1) The Lambda Chis are thieves.

2) The Lambda Chis are vandals.

3) The Lambda Chis are openly homophobic and are by no means ashamed of harassing gays, albeit in a manner reminiscent of the Ku Klux Klan.

4) The basic human principles of respect, consideration, and rationality are beyond the scope of a Lambda Chi's comprehension.

The members of LCA have shown the MIT community their highest priorities and their most heartfelt values: harassment, destruction of property, and a bizzare possessiveness of the Harvard Bridge. An apology to the members of TEP or the MIT community at large is wholly insufficient, for it demonstrates nothing but the fact that LCAs can resentfully pay a small bit of lip service. It must somehow be impressed upon this narrow-minded group of men that their intolerant and animalistic behavior is not acceptable.

Imagine the time and effort wasted by this pitiful group in order to temporarily deface the residence of another fraternity. The LCAs may very well take pride in this obscene display of senseless vandalism. One might feel sorry for them. For in order to spend so much energy for such a goal, theirs must be a very pale and empty existance. Being a member of this fraternity might indeed be punishment enough.

Love,

Lillian Wren and the rest of the People for the Eradication of Idiots.

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