To: All I/S Staffers
From: I/S Management
Date: December 27, 1999
Subject: Y2K Emergency Procedures
Due to an unfortunate co-incidence of multiple independent
factors, 2000 is expected to be a rough year and we here in the I/S
department will be the first line of defense. While the so-called
millennium bug is receiving most of the attention of the press,
other warning signals such as the prophecies of Nostradamus and the book
of Revelations should not be ignored. This document outlines the
integrated procedures we will be following to deal with some of the
primary threats as understood at this time:
- Millennium Bug:
Rivers and Seas Boiling:
- Turn off all computers on the 31st, and restart them on
the 1st. In the event that computers are not working on the
3rd of January 2000, abacuses will be distributed to the
Finance and Operations departments. Sales is not expected to be
affected at all unless a complete collapse of the transportation network
cuts off supplies of alcohol and mixers. Sales reports that a two-month
reserve is on hand, so the earliest possible disruptions can be expected
- To guard against the possibility of accidental nuclear exchange
arising from the bug, members of the I/S department should obtain access
to the command and control systems at NORAD and at Russian Strategic
Rocket Forces HQ and shut those systems down prior to midnight on the
Dead Rising From the Grave:
- All I/S staffers should wear gas masks to work, as toxic gases may
be emitted by both the Charles River and Boston Harbor should those
bodies of water reach the boiling point.
- All items should be removed from basement storage, as the basement
is prone to flooding.
- We recommend careful inspection of all bathroom facilities before
use after the 1st.
Signs of the Apocalypse
- All I/S staffers should obtain the following prior to the
31st, to facilitate travel to work after the 1st:
Holy water, salt, mace or club, crossbow, hand grenades, flare gun,
- On or before the 31st, ritual circles should be drawn in
chalk around all important servers, and mice (IBM/PS2 preferred)
sacrificed inside the circles, to prevent unauthorized misuse by Mutant
- On reporting for work on the 3rd, you will be asked what
your favorite food is to verify that you havent been affected by this
issue. If your favorite food is brains, please speak to your supervisor
immediately to arrange an alternative password.
- If you see a broken seal lying around anywhere, fix it immediately.
Duct tape will be issued for this purpose.
- In the event that the sun becomes as sackcloth, no problems are
anticipated unless electrical power fails due to item 1). As a
precaution, all I/S staffers will be issued a flashlight and extra
- All employees have been instructed to place on hold any callers
identifying themselves as: Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Demons, Devils,
deities of any known pantheon, or Bill Gates, and to inform I/S of the
call immediately. If one of these comes to you, locate the call on the
phone system monitor and cut the line, then file a work order to have
the system exorcised.
- If you are afflicted by plague, remember that no more than eight
hours of sick time may be borrowed against future accumulation before
going on unpaid leave of absence.
- A company-wide staff meeting will be held on the 3rd at
9am. All I/S staffers are encouraged to arrive early and should take
seats to the right of the CEOs chair.
- If you see an angel pouring out his bowl into the air, note the time
and call your supervisor.
- If the price of company stock rises to exceed the exercise price on
any vested stock option held by any non-management employee, evacuate
the building immediately and check all articles of clothing for