The Austrian Full Court Press

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Join Operations Between Austrian and Russian Militaries Goes Like Clockwork

In a press conference held shortly after the season's military movements, Grand Marshall "Iron" Mike Ditka announced that the Russian army was supported into Rumania "without a hitch."

"We've been drilling on these maneuvers for months now," Ditka announced, as the last of the artillery shells were still falling in the war torn Balkans. "Our offense had everything together and everyone was at the top of their game. We eliminated any mental mistakes that could have hurt us and kept focused on our goals."

When asked about similar maneuvers failing the previous season, the Grand Marshall said "we thought we had it worked out. You want to call it negotiations, fine. You want to call it poor penmanship, fine. I can't say we exactly did our best. I'm not making any excuses. Of course I don't like the way it turned out, but you have to accept what happened and move on."

The Austrian government has repeatedly and vehemently denied that there is any controversy over who should be Grand Marshall.

Greece Defeated 3400 to 1 in Soccer Match of the Century

The Greek players seemed unusually slow and sluggish during the match, often failing to take the field at the appropriate times. Many seemed afraid to touch the ball, or even come near the Austrian players. In fact, the only point scored by the Greeks was on a ball accidentally kicked the wrong way by an Austrain defenseman (see "Weekly Deportations," p 3). The Austrian goalie was apparantly on a "coffee break" at the time and was unavaible to block the wayward shot (see "Public Whippings" p 7).

Former New Orleans Saints' kicking tee returner, Fetchmonster, was on hand and in uniform. However, as there were no kicking tees to return, Fetchmonster spent the duration of the match on the sidelines. Said Fetchmonster's new trainer "Vee are having ze trouble teaching it ze new tricks." It's unclear in exactly what capacity Fetchmonster will be utilized by the team.

The Austrian government has repeatedly and vehemently denied that families of the Greek soccer team were detained or harassed in any way before or during the match.

Budapest Costume Shop Burned to the Ground

"The wearing of black masks is a treasonous crime, punishable by death, and the store had to be shut down to protect the citizens," the statement stated.

Shop owners have reportedly filed an appeal on the burning, stating that the store was only selling the masks and certainly did not reccomend that anyone actually wear one.