The Austrian Full Court Press
Vizzini Recently Appointed Austrian Negotiator
Vizzini, the Sicilian has been appointed as Negotiator. Best known for his diplomatic efforts on behalf of the prince of Floren, Vizzini will now be personally handling all foreign relations for the Austrian government.
Quoth Vizzini, "I'm really looking forward to meeting all of Europe's heads of states and their families. I just love attending diplomatic functions, like weddings, and getting to know everyone's family. I'm also looking forward to experiencing the foreign cultures. I'm a huge military buff and I'm always looking to add odds and ends to my extensive authentic military wardrobe collection."
The Austrian government has repeatedly and vehemently denied any connection between Vizzini and the neighboring Italian government.
"Iron" Mike Ditka Recently Appointed Austrian Grand Marshall"
"Iron" Mike Ditka has been appointed to the position of Austrian Grand Marshall. This will give Ditka full authority over all Austrian army and naval units, reporting directly to the Austrian government.
Best known for his tenure as head coach of the New Orleans Saints, Ditka has brought most of the Saints front office, all recently fired, with him to help with administrative matters. Sources say that Fetch Monster, the former Saints kicking tee retriever is also negotiating a contract with the Austrian government. In exactly what capacity the canine will be employed was not disclosed.
"I'm not here to talk to the press or negotiate any deals. I'm here for just one thing, to win wars," Ditka said in a scheduled press conference, shortly after taking office. When asked about the possibility of adding Fetch Monster to his staff, Ditka said "Well, it's no secret that dog's got a good head on his shoulders. Why, I'd never have won some of those games with the Saints, if not for Fetch Monster." Ditka declined to comment on whether Fetch Monster would be assigned to the military or some other government branch if retained.
The Austrian government has repeatedly and vehemently denied that the Austrian military has taken any proprietary information from the New Orleans Saints' playbook.
Serbians Routed in Preseason Blowout
A press conference was convened following recent military action in the Balkans. Grand Marshall "Iron" Mike Ditka commented on the performance of the Austrian forces.
"Well, it's just preseason. Everyone knows that it doesn't count for anything. So, even though we wupped those Serbs like they've never been wupped before, it doesn't necessarily mean that we'll be able to do as well in the coming months. I mean, even though we did drive their armies from the field in tears, shelled them back to the stone age and completely passified their population in the space of 6 months, it doesn't necessarily mean we should get our hopes up too high.
"We've got another little conflict coming up in Greece this season. That's all I'm thinking about. I can't even remember how the Serbian military commander begged me not to slay his staff or steal his country's valuable art work. All I'm thinking about is the conflict ahead. I'm here for one reason: to win wars. We've been working hard to get ready for this upcoming fight and I can tell you that we've got some new wrinkles in our offense. We're going to do everything we can to beat them physically, psychologically, and emotionally."
Black Masks Taboo
The wearing of black masks has been established by the Austrian government to be a "treasonous crime, punishable by death." Anyone caught wearing a black mask is to be killed immediately.
Fashion Moguls were uncertain what impact this new law will have on next year's look.