A long time ago, in a land far, far away...
It is a period of civil war. Rebel fighters, striking from a hidden
base, have won their first victory against the evil Galenese Empire.
During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret
ingredients to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH SHAMAN,
an armored spellcaster with enough power to destroy an entire town.
Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Lia races
home with her entourage, custodian of the stolen ingredients
that can save her people and restore freedom to the frontier . . . . .
- Many of the characters here have suffered their Final Death. Ask around; they're generally interesting characters.
- A long time ago, Tick was turning into a Dark Elf. "I got better."
EXTERIOR -- WOODS -- (PATH)GUARD: Hold your fire. They're just elves.
Opening scene: woods. The camera pans to the right, showing an empty path. From behind the camera comes running down the path PRINCESS LIA WHITT accompanied by the rest of Nature's Paw. Domingo is running backwards up the path, firing arrows.
A swarm of Galenese Guards pursue the group, throwing spells. All of the group is eventually hit by Root spells, and then combat ensues. FEYLIN VALENDALE and TICK feign death. Combat ensues until only the Princess is left standing (and rooted). Suddenly, Feylin and Tick get up and start running away. Two Guards turn to deal with them.
The Guards swarm around the Princess and her fallen entourage. From the back of the Guards we see DARTH LOCKE, Lord of the Sith, who confronts the Princess.LIA: Darth Locke, I should have known. Only you could be so bold. The town Council will not sit for this, when they hear you've attacked a diplomatic--
LOCKE: Don't play games with me, Your Highness. You weren't on any mercy mission this time. You passed directly through a restricted area. Several packages were delivered to this group by Rebel spies. I want to know what happened to the pixie stix they sent you.
LIA: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a member of Nature's Paw on a diplomatic mission to the Guild--
LOCKE: You're a part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. Take her away!
Lia is unrooted and marched away, back up the path she was fleeing. A Galenese Commander turns to Locke.
IRONGLAIVE: Holding her is dangerous. If word of this gets out, it could generate sympathy for the Rebellion in the Paw.
LOCKE: I have traced the Rebel spies to her. Now she is my only link to finding their secret base.
IRONGLAIVE: She'll die before she tells you anything!
LOCKE: Leave that to me. Blow the militia whistle and then inform the rest of the militia that the whole party was killed by hobgoblins.
Another Galenese officer approaches Locke and Dolan. They stop as Urlik Ironbeard comes to attention.IRONBEARD: Darth Locke, the pixie stix are not on the bodies. But two elves were seen fleeing the fight.
Locke turns to Dolan.
LOCKE: She must have given the stix to the elves. Send a detachment to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander. There'll be no one to stop us this time.
EXTERIOR -- WOODS
Feylin and Tick are bushwhacking through the forest.
FEYLIN: How did I get into this mess? I really don't know how. We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life.
Tick ignores him.
FEYLIN: I've got to rest before I fall apart. My joints are almost frozen.
Tick sighs, continues to ignore him.
FEYLIN: What a desolate place this is.
Suddenly Tick oohs, stops, makes a sharp right turn, and starts off in that direction. Feylin stops and yells at him.
FEYLIN: Where are you going?
Tick gestures "c'mon!" to Feylin.
FEYLIN: Well, I'm not going that way. It's much too overgrown. This way is much easier.
Tick rolls his eyes.
FEYLIN: What makes you think the town is that way?
Tick points at the sun, then taps his head, then points in the direction he was going.
FEYLIN: Don't get technical with me.
Tick gestures with his hands for a few moments as Feylin wanders over. Feylin looks completely baffled. Tick throws up his hands in disgust and beats his head against Log.
FEYLIN: What are you talking about? I've had just about enough of you! Go that way! You'll be starving within a day, you nearsighted almost-dark-Elf!
Feylin gives Tick a kick and starts off in his original direction.
FEYLIN: And don't let me catch you following me begging for help, because you won't get it.
Tick snorts in disgust and starts heading out, but pauses to angrily shake Log at Feylin.
FEYLIN: No more adventures. I'm not going that way.
EXTERIOR: WOODS -- GRIFFIN HOMESTEAD -- AFTERNOON.
KALYAN: Damer, tell Griffin that if gets an elf to be sure he wields a staff.
DAMER: It looks like we don't have much of a choice but I'll remind him.
GRIFFIN: I have no need for a wizard elf.
FEYLIN: (quickly) Sir -- not in an environment such as this -- that's why I've also quested for over thirty secondary powers that...
GRIFFIN: What I really need is an elf that understands the clicking language of scavengers.
FEYLIN: Scavengers! Sir -- My first job was exterminating poodles... very similar to your scavengers. You could say--
GRIFFIN: Do you speak Owner?
FEYLIN: Of course I can, sir. It's like a second language for me...I'm not only fluent in Owner, but I can even get a coherent answer from Steve M--
GRIFFIN: All right shut up! (turning to Punjam) I'll take this one.
FEYLIN: (to himself) Shutting up, sir.
GRIFFIN: Damer, take these two over to the shed, will you? I want you to have both of them cleaned up before dinner.
DAMER: But I was going to the Alchemy Guild to pick up some spell catalysts!
GRIFFIN: You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done. Now come on, get to it!
DAMER: All right, come on! And the red one, come on. Well, come on, Red, let's go.
As the Alhadim start to lead the three remaining elves back into the Sandwagon, Tick lets out a pathetic little mewl and starts after his old friend Feylin. He is restrained by a slimy Gypsy, who zaps him with a control wand.
Griffin is negotiating with Punjam. Damer and the two elves start off for the shed when the red elf's head explodes.
DAMER: Uncle Griffin...
DAMER: This elf has a bad attitude. Look!
GRIFFIN: (to Punjam) Hey, what're you trying to push on us?
Punjam goes into a loud, long spiel: blah blah blah, my dying mother this, my starving brother that, blah blah blah...
FEYLIN: (pointing to Tick) Excuse me, sir, but that elf is in top shape. A real bargain.
DAMER: Uncle Griffin...
DAMER: What about that one?
GRIFFIN: (to Punjam) What about the tall one? We'll take that one.
My shoeless children this, my ancient grandfather that, and finally Punjam trades the headless elf for Tick.
DAMER: Yeah, take it away.
FEYLIN: Uh, I'm quite sure you'll be very pleased with that one, sir. He really is in first-class condition. I've worked with him before. Here he comes.
Griffin pays off the whining Punjam as Damer and the two elves trudge off toward a grimy homestead entry.
DAMER: Okay, let's go.
FEYLIN: (to Tick) Now, don't you forget this! Why I should stick my neck out for you is quite beyond my capacity!
Blah blah blah, Damer gets a Dream from Lia, Tick runs away, Damer nearly gets killed by a bunch of hobgoblins, Tygurclaw scares the living crap out aforementioned hobgoblins by waving his hands around, Damer meets Tygurclaw, gets his father's lightstaff, which leads us to cut scenes to...
INTERIOR -- GALENESE GUARD SHACKRHAENYS: The town council will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that Lord Ruprik has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Stronghold have been swept away.
ARABUNDI: That's impossible! How will Lord Ruprik maintain control without the bureaucracy?
RHAENYS: The regional governors now have direct control over territories. Fear will keep the local settlements in line. Fear of this death shaman.
ARABUNDI: And what of the Rebellion? If the Rebels have obtained a complete set of pixie stix, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might use spies to find a weakness in the death shaman, and exploit it.
LOCKE: As if a spy question ever got back a useful answer.
ROBERT: Any attack made by the Rebels against this shaman would be a useless gesture, no matter what pixie stix they've obtained. This shaman is now the ultimate power in Areth. I suggest we use it!
LOCKE: Don't be too proud of this shamanistic terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a town is insignificant next to the power of iambic pentameter.
ROBERT: Don't try to frighten us with your poet's ways, Lord Locke. Your sad devotion to that ancient form has not helped you conjure up the stolen pixie stix, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort--
Suddenly Robert da Guy chokes and starts to turn blue under Locke's gaze.
LOCKE: I find your lack of rhyme disturbing.
RHAENYS: Enough of this! Locke, release him!
LOCKE: As you wish.
RHAENYS: This bickering is pointless. Lord Locke will provide us with the location of the Rebel fortress by the time this shaman is operational. We will then crush the Rebellion with one swift stroke.
Griffin and Kaylan get run over by stormtroopers, Damer decides to quest for serious badass Telos magics, which leads us to...
EXTERIOR: WOODS -- WASTELAND.TYGURCLAW: The Dark Tavern. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.
INTERIOR: DARK TAVERN -- CANTINA.MARIC: We don't serve their kind here!
MARIC: Your elves! They'll have to wait outside! We don't want them here.
DAMER: Listen, why don't you wait outside. We don't want any trouble.
FEYLIN: I heartily agree with you, sir.
Maric sees Tygurclaw and opens his mouth--
Tygurclaw fixes a stare on Maric.
...and Maric shuts his mouth.
A large, multiple-eyed Creature gives Damer a rough shove.
SPIDER: Negola dewaghi wooldugger?!?
The hideous freak is obviously drunk. Damer tries to ignore the creature and turns back on his drink. A short, grubby human joins the belligerent monstrosity.
HEYMESH: He doesn't like you.
DAMER: I'm sorry.
HEYMESH: I don't like you either! You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence in twelve countries!
DAMER: I'll be careful than.
HEYMESH: You'll be dead!
...and Tygurclaw pulls out a can of Fain Whup-Ass, shakes it, pops the lid, and starts laying waste.
TYGURCLAW: This is Damien. He's first-mate on a ship that might suit our needs.
KENDALL: Kendall Abra. I'm captain of the Emerald Falcon. Damien here tells me you're looking for passage to Forge Hollow.
TYGURCLAW: Yes, indeed. If it's a fast ship.
KENDALL: Fast ship? You've never heard of the Emerald Falcon?
TYGURCLAW: Should I have?
KENDALL: It's the ship that made the Daggerport run in less than twelve furlongs!
Tygurclaw reacts to Abra's stupid attempt to impress them with obvious misinformation.
KENDALL: (continued) I've outrun Galenese patrols, not the local militia, mind you. I'm talking about the big Dwarven heavies. She's fast enough for you, old man. What's the cargo?
TYGURCLAW: Only passengers. Myself, the boy, two elves... and no questions asked.
KENDALL: What is it? Some kind of local trouble?
TYGURCLAW: Let's just say we'd like to avoid any... Galenese entanglements.
KENDALL: Well, that's the trick, isn't it? And it's going to cost you something extra. Ten thousand hecta in advance.
DAMER: Ten thousand? We could almost buy our own ship for that!
KENDALL: But who's going to pilot it, kid! You?
DAMER: You bet I could. I'm not such a bad Wind mage myself! We don't have to sit here and listen--
TYGURCLAW: We haven't that much with us. But we could pay you two thousand now, plus fifteen when we reach Forge Hollow.
KENDALL: Seventeen, huh! [ponders] Okay. You guys got yourself a ship. We'll leave as soon as you're ready. Meet me at the docks by hobgoblin hill.
TYGURCLAW: Hobgoblin hill.
Two Galenese guardsmen enter the Dark Tavern.
KENDALL: Looks like somebody's beginning to take an interest in your handiwork.
INTERIOR -- GALENESE GUARD SHACK
IRONGLAIVE: The final check-out is complete. All systems are operational. What course shall we set?
RHAENYS: Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion.
LOCKE: What do you mean?
RHAENYS: I think it is time we demonstrate the full power of this death shaman. (to Dolan) Set your course for Princess Leia's home town of Forge Hollow.
IRONGLAIVE: With pleasure.
INTERIOR -- HOBGOBLIN HILL -- DOCKS
KORSOV: Kendall, my boy, there are times when you disappoint me...why haven't you paid me? And why did you have to fry that poor farmer like that...after all we've been through together.
KENDALL: You sent farmers wearing straw hats to assassinate me.
KORSOV: (mock surprise) Kendall, why you're the best smuggler in the business. You're too valuable to fry. He was only relaying my concern at your delays. He wasn't going to assassinate you.
KENDALL: I think he thought he was. Next time don't have them wear a straw hat.
INTERIOR -- GALENESE GUARD SHACK
Rhaenys and Lia are having a little tete-a-tete of the seriously nasty variety.
LIA: Stronghold. They're in Stronghold.
RHAENYS: There. You see, Lord Locke, she can be reasonable. Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready.
RHAENYS: You're far too trusting. Stronghold is too remote to make an effective demonstration. But don't worry. We will deal with your Rebel friends soon enough.
The Death Shaman pulls out a really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really big spell packet and throws it, which hits Forge Hollow. Boom.
INTERIOR -- EMERALD FALCON
Kendall is bringing Feylin up to speed on werewolves.
KENDALL: That's 'cause elves don't maim people's limbs and leave them to die. Werewolves are known to do that.
Tygurclaw watches Damer practice the lightstaff with a Seeker potion. Tygurclaw suddenly turns away and sits down. He falters, seems almost faint.DAMER: Are you all right? What's wrong?
TYGURCLAW: I felt a great disturbance in the Telos... as if millions of spirits suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.
Kendall starts bringing the Emerald Falcon into port at Forge Hollow when the Falcon starts swaying heavily.
DAMER: What's going on?
KENDALL: Our position is correct, except...no, Forge Hollow!
DAMER: What do you mean? Where is it?
KENDALL: Thats what I'm trying to tell you, kid. It ain't there. It's been totally blown away.
DAMER: What? How?
TYGURCLAW: Destroyed...by the Galenese!
KENDALL: The entire Galenese army couldn't destroy the whole town. It'd take a thousand spell packets and...
The Emerald Falcon gets boarded ("arr!!!"). Damer fumbles the scanning crew, and then Tick subdues them. Tygurclaw starts sneaking aroud while Kendall hears about Lia's formidable assets. (Editor's note: *cough*) Meanwhile:
INTERIOR -- DARTEEM'S REALM
DEATH: And what brings you into my realm?
FORGE HOLLOW DUDE: Look, there's several dozen of us in line outside that are all gonna tell you the same thing. We were hit by a superfluously large death packet of shamanic destruction.
DEATH: (looks up from his book) A super-what now?
INTERIOR -- GALENESE GUARD SHACKLOCKE: I've lain in wait, at last you now return
Tygurclaw turns a corner and is facing Darth Locke.
TYGURCLAW: Perhaps a master you may truly be
Master of the evil that you now seek.
LOCKE: Don't try to use your petty words on me
For in old age your rhyming skills are weak.
TYGURCLAW: My dear Darth Locke you know it cannot be
There is no way that you can ever win
If you should strike me down you soon will see
A power greater than you imagine.
Tygurclaw realizes his iambic pentameter has just fallen apart. Behind him, Damer, Lia, Kendall, and the elves are running back to the Emerald Falcon.
Tygurclaw turns at hearing Damer's voice, smiling slightly as he almost dramatically presents his back to Darth Locke. The Rhyme Lord takes the opportunity to draw a black dagger and subdue the elf, but his pommel seems to only meet a collapsing tiger-striped cloak.
And really, we all know how it ends... with a 2-hour battle in the parking lot that drags on and on ("keep on turning" "they're too close!" "keep on turning" "i can't keep 'em off!" "keep on turning" "aaaaugh!") with finally the PCs figuring out what to do ("ohhh, 'get them'!!!") and then finally doing it...
| Written and Directed by|
| Produced by
DARKLOCKE AND TOMO'S SOCIAL COLUMN
DAMER FLINN KENDALL ABRA AURELIA WHITT RHAENYS STORMBORN and TYGURCLAW
with FEYLIN VALENDALE TICK DAMIEN UNDERWOOD DARKLOCKE GRIFFIN KALYAN KORSOV and DAVE KENNEDY
|A DTSC PRODUCTION|
|May the readers have mercy on our souls. -- Darklocke|
|Or at least not lake us before they Final us. -- Tomo|