KIDNEY REMOVAL 101: A practical guide to assassination So you've decided you're gonna wax the King or some other high status target. Good for you, I'm sure you've got a reasons. But have you given any thought to surviving your brave strike? If you're a fanatic, you might think it's all well and good to go down in a blaze of glory, sliced up by the guards even as your target gurgles his last. Consider this, however: in this age of plentiful healing magic, not to mention herbal remedies or the possibility of a Tor Aquillonian in the area, your target isn't necessarily going to die along with you. Even if your target does die, wouldn't it be better for you to survive? If you're a fanatic, you can kill again. If you've got more mundane reasons for assassination, like speeding your inheritance or creating a power vacuum to fill, then you definitely want to stay alive. Whatever the case may be, here's a few tips to help you survive your deadly mission. Follow them, or follow your victim: it's your choice. 1. GET SOMEBODY ELSE TO DO IT FOR YOU You're after a high-status, well protected target - if you weren't, then you'd just dispatch a few thugs to waste him in broad daylight, and who'd give a damn? Well, the nice thing about high-status targets is that there's a LOT of people out there who hate them. Find one of these lunatics and prime them to whack your target for you. You keep your hands clean, and the link to you will disappear when the fool gets axed by the guards. Now, the probability of success is a bit lower when you're having crazies do your killing for you, but who cares? It's not costing you anything. 2. DO IT YOURSELF If you can't dig up an appropriate loonie to kill your victim for you, you're going to have to do it yourself. And that means personally, not through any agent. Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead, so you'd best make sure that the only other person who knows about your plot is your victim, finding out the hard way. If you use goons to do the deed, they're just going to get caught and implicate you, and then where will you be? On the chopping block for sure. 3. MAKE IT PRIVATE Most assassins make the mistake of killing their target in a crowded public environment. Ask yourself, "Why does this person have to die?" Are you killing them for public entertainment, or to remove a problem? You're removing a problem, not pit-fighting, so don't act that way. Oh sure, watching the shock of the crowd and the lamenting of the women is fun and all, but that's a whole lot of witnesses and possible do-gooders to interfere. Kill him in private, not at a banquet or parade, and you're much more likely to see another sunrise. 4. NO POISON, DAGGERS, OR CROSSBOWS Again, are you trying to kill your victim, or put on a show? Every public figure ever born worries about poisoned food, daggers in the back, and guys with crossbows on rooftops. Think, man! There's more ways than that to kill a monarch! When you storm a castle, do you go in the front gate? No! That's where they're defending. What you want to do is think differently, find an ice technique that they aren't expecting. Does your king wear heavy boots to protect against poisonous snakes under his chair? I'll bet not. I'll bet he doesn't check his bathtub for acid, or his wardrobe for lions either. Sure, it takes a little more work, but you want to kill somebody not make the guards earn their pay, right? 5. ASSASSINATION? WHAT ASSASSINATION? In fact, the best thing is if nobody even realizes that an assassination took place. Accidents happen all the time, and if it's convincing enough, nobody will even suspect an assassination. The best way of all is if it looks like he committed suicide - nobody really wants to talk about a suicide, and it'll just go into the legends of the kingdom. Domination is a wonder for this sort of thing - the king gets up, walks out on a high balcony, and throws himself off. Everybody saw he was alone. Maybe he even leaves a note. Bingo, you win. 5. DISGUISE YOUR MOTIVES If you don't make it look like an accident, though, there's going to be an investigation. Then you want to look innocent - so innocent that the investigators won't even think about you, because it looks like the victim's death is a burden on you. Plan for this, and shift your public behavior well before the assassination actually happens. Let's say you're the heir to the throne. Start maundering about wanting to escape your royal heritage, trying half-heartedly to run away, have a few impressive fights with your father. Then when you kill him, and are persuaded with difficulty to take the throne, everybody will feel sorry for you and not think you were the one who wasted him. 6. PROVIDE A PATSY An investigation is never closed until a killer if found. It doesn't matter if it's the right killer, so long as somebody gets the blame. Take advantage of this, and set up somebody you don't like to be the killer. Then make sure there's some telltale piece of evidence pointing to them, and you're home free. If you want to be particularly subtle, provide TWO patsies. The first should have obvious evidence linking him to the assassination, but careful examination will show that he didn't do it, but Patsy #2 did. The investigators will be so busy patting themselves on the back, they'll totally miss any flaws in the second evidence. 7. KILL THE PATSY Your patsy didn't actually do it, after all, and if he spends enough time protesting his innocence, somebody might actually believe him. Arrange for an incensed citizen to kill the purported murderer before the investigators have a chance to grill him thoroughly. 8. LEAD THE INVESTIGATIVE TEAM Best of all, get yourself put in charge of the investigation. There's nowhere easier to lead things astray from. This is a dangerous post, though, and not for the timid or inexperienced killer, because your underlings may become suspicious if you aren't subtle in killing leads and providing red herrings. OK, kiddies, go out there and kill your sovereigns!