Darklocke & Tomo's
Social Column

Published whenever we feel like it.

Vol 1, Issue #9

13 Earth, 1602

All The News We Think You Need To Know

Since this is an Anniversary Special, we thought we'd take a look back at selected stories and see how things have progressed with them:

  • Vol. #1, Issue 1
Lord Tempus's book, I am Not TEMPEST': Time Before The Storm' has proven to be a big hit with the townsfolk - mainly because the Guard has been using copies as missiles to keep back unruly citizens trying to complain about their taxes. When asked why, Commander Thundergutt replied "Well, at least in this way we can report to Lord Tempus through his spies that the books are moving right off the shelf. It makes him happy to hear that his book is being spread all over New Galen."

  • Vol. #1, Issue 2
Council Troop Cookies

The Alchemy Guild has stopped the production of Council Troop Cookies on the grounds that "they are really alchemy potions in disguise, and you can't do anything alchemical without joining the Alchemy Guild." The bakers of the cookies were understandably upset and said they would complain to Governor Rhaenys, but for some reason never made in to Court. When asked about it, Master Blackmoon smirked and said "Oh really? I thought they were 'dying' to make their point with her!"

  • Vol. #1, Issue 3
Sign Posted Outside Death's Realm

Loketh Uutog still reports that no-one has come forward to claim the reward offered for returning the Greater's Spirit's sign. Says Loketh "By now, there must be some place on Areth that has legions of Eidolons standing forlornly outside Lord Darteem's Door, afraid to Knock - it makes me sad to think about it."

Domingo Caballero del villa Baero, upon hearing this, is now deciding if he wants to find the sign and return it - not for the reward, but to see the look on Edward the ex-Guardsman's Eidolon's face when he next has to take the Trip to Death's Realm and finds out he can't get in.

  • Vol. #1, Issue 4
Bumble Bee Spirit Bummed, Pissed

The Bumble Bee Spirit has departed for the Line outside of New Galen because it didn't get any postcards. When last seen, it was buzzing angrily, and saying something like "2,086? Fine, just fine - I'll take it, damn it!"


My name is Saffira StarSpire, and I am the StarSpire Seer who has come to the Frontier recently. One of the boys who usually writes this publication has asked me nicely to fill in for them, so I and a couple of friends - Candace Isir, and the woman whose maiden name is Meredith Rosemount - are writing the 'DTSC: First-Year-Anniversary-Special!' instead! (Shahariz-al-Malik was also supposed to contribute, but she seems to have (de)ceased in her interest of writing with us.)

Anyway, I'm sure that the boys are expecting us to make fun of them and say silly things about them throughout the Issue (and in fact said as much to me), but we ladies took a vote and decided to go completely the other way - and not mention their names at all! So, while the boys are taking a vacation, we can play hav- I mean, write about informative and interesting stories for all of you to read. Enjoy!

The Poll

Without any further ado: Should the DTSC Continue With Publishing More Issues?
Silly Song Sung In Settlement - story by Saffira S.

Wandering Minstrel Candace Isir came across a dying unknown, and promptly took advantage of the situation. She tells DTSC the story in her own words:

"Well, there I was, just walking along in the woods, minding my own business, when this guy stumbled out of the trees and died right in front of me! Hey, don't look at me that way, I didn't really do it - I only helped him finish the job, you know - that's all. It was sort of like holding your finger on a string knot on a package while someone else ties the bow. So afterwards, like any self-respecting Galenese, I immediately searched him for anything that might be useful before he headed off to Death (I mean, after all, what if it was his Final Death - he wouldn't need anything ever again then, right?) Anyway, I found a parchment with this cool song written on it! Here, let me sing it for you: (sings)

When the moon hits your eye / Like a big pizza pie / That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand / And that's not what you planned / That's a moray.
When our habits are strange / And our customs deranged / That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw / And the bales total four / That's some more hay.
When an Okian knight / Uses swords in a fight / That's Samurai."

As Candace was singing, however, two cloaked figures arose mysteriously in back of her, one holding a pair of Okian swords. There was a short scuffle following the last verse, and unfortunately Candace got Deathed again. She wasn't benedicted this time, either. (See Vol. 1, Issue #6)

Upon learning of the event, Gabriele was later overheard to remark: "Better her than me!" Tick had no comment.

I-Spy-(der) - story by Candace I.

I spy something that begins with the letter 'S', and its out in the woods at night! Give up? Right - its Ivan. Ivan was seen taking his favorite pet for a walk again, and promised it a yummy treat if it would do its repertoire of tricks for him. Excited by the prospect, his pet rushed at a local farmer. Ivan must have watched with satisfaction as it performed the 'Over The Top', the '4-Way-Split', and the 'Pulverizer', followed by the 'Schlick Schlurp'. He gave his pet some well-deserved applause when the tricks were done, whereupon his pet astonished him with a trick that it had been secretly practicing - a new dance, now called the 'Spider Shuffle'.

When interviewed later, Ivan was enthusiastic about his pet's new dance. "Its great! It's sort of a shuffling-back-and-forth-and-side-to-side kind of thing with great rhythm, and there's even a sort of musical accompaniment from all the legs rubbing on each other, creating a sort of percussive 'shushing' sound! Come and see!" Unfortunately, the roving reporter for this story suddenly remembered a pressing engagement elsewhere, so had to politely decline the invitation.

Mysterious Metallic Monster Mowing Down People! - story by Meredith R.

One dark night, while Aurbren was walking up to the Light Tavern, a metallic monster came out of nowhere and bowled her right over, leaving a large track up her back as it left her in the dust. Eleanor, who was witness to the brutal attack, had this to say:

"We were just walking up to the Light Tavern together to get a drink. As we were about to cross the black path, I stopped to tie my boot, and Aurbren continued on just ahead of me. Then WHAM! - something big and shiny grey came up the black path out of nowhere and did a hit-and-run on her." DTSC caught up with Aurbren as she was resting in Tavern Owner Corin's bed up at the Light Tavern after the incident. When asked if she could identify the metallic monster, she replied "Well, I *think* it was one of those sporty-topped Kias."

More News In Review

  • Vol. #1, Issue 5
Poetry Reading Ghoul Found Stabbed In The Back 48 Times.

Constable Robert da Guy, now Captain Robert da Guy, revisited this case because of its suspicious nature. His new findings were that there were only 47 stab wounds, not 48 - "A clear-cut case of someone trying to give out misinformation to deceive the public." stated da Guy. He has placed himself under suspicion and investigation, as he was the one who had originally closed the case.

  • Vol. #1, Issue 6
Interview With Seiji

Seiji caught up with DTSC again, by creeping up behind us and scaring us half-to-Death. After we had calmed down and taken him to task for it, he replied "Shoot! I was trying for all-the-way-to-Death. I guess I need to practice my sneaking skills - as Settlement Overlord, I must have gotten a little rusty due to keeping the government running the way it always has by staying out of it. I'll have to ask Meiko for pointers again. Do you want to buy a T-Shirt?"

  • Vol. #1, Issue 7
Random Undead Horde Hits Town

The ringleader necromancer of the random undead horde gleefully reports that he is now fully stocked in spell packets, and is quite looking forward to expending them successfully against New Galen in the near future. "In fact, you might say that I have something of a home-grown advantage", he chortled, demonstrating both his ample stock and his throwing arm upon the local citizenry, causing a flurry of Eidolons to depart the immediate area.

  • Vol.#1, Issue 8
Popcorn Sales

This just in: whomever has eaten any of the Popcorn from the Feldor Swordsworn/Damer Flinn duel should get themselves checked out immediately. It seems that one of the wizards (who shall remain nameless for privacy's sake) who bought some of the popcorn from them started showing disturbing symptoms of non-magic-ness not long afterwards. When asked about the situation, Bran and Gared declined to comment.

Darklocke and Tomo's Social Column is normally an OOG production of Mike Magelinski (Darklocke) and David Leung (Tomo), but in this case, was written entirely by Susan Calkins. We are still very blase about ripping off The Onion (www.theonion.com), and continue to escape being sued by them. :)