Darklocke & Tomo's
Published whenever we feel like it.
Vol 1, Issue #9
13 Earth, 1602
All The News We Think You Need To Know
Since this is an Anniversary Special, we thought we'd take a look back at
selected stories and see how things have progressed with them:
The Alchemy Guild has stopped the production of Council Troop Cookies on the grounds that "they are really alchemy potions in disguise, and you can't do anything alchemical without joining the Alchemy Guild." The bakers of the cookies were understandably upset and said they would complain to Governor Rhaenys, but for some reason never made in to Court. When asked about it, Master Blackmoon smirked and said "Oh really? I thought they were 'dying' to make their point with her!"
Loketh Uutog still reports that no-one has come forward to claim the reward offered for returning the Greater's Spirit's sign. Says Loketh "By now, there must be some place on Areth that has legions of Eidolons standing forlornly outside Lord Darteem's Door, afraid to Knock - it makes me sad to think about it."
Domingo Caballero del villa Baero, upon hearing this, is now deciding if he wants to find the sign and return it - not for the reward, but to see the look on Edward the ex-Guardsman's Eidolon's face when he next has to take the Trip to Death's Realm and finds out he can't get in.
The Bumble Bee Spirit has departed for the Line outside of New Galen because it didn't get any postcards. When last seen, it was buzzing angrily, and saying something like "2,086? Fine, just fine - I'll take it, damn it!"
Anyway, I'm sure that the boys are expecting us to make fun of them and say silly things about them throughout the Issue (and in fact said as much to me), but we ladies took a vote and decided to go completely the other way - and not mention their names at all! So, while the boys are taking a vacation, we can play hav- I mean, write about informative and interesting stories for all of you to read. Enjoy!
"Well, there I was, just walking along in the woods, minding my own business, when this guy stumbled out of the trees and died right in front of me! Hey, don't look at me that way, I didn't really do it - I only helped him finish the job, you know - that's all. It was sort of like holding your finger on a string knot on a package while someone else ties the bow. So afterwards, like any self-respecting Galenese, I immediately searched him for anything that might be useful before he headed off to Death (I mean, after all, what if it was his Final Death - he wouldn't need anything ever again then, right?) Anyway, I found a parchment with this cool song written on it! Here, let me sing it for you: (sings)
When the moon hits your eye / Like a big pizza pie / That's amore.
As Candace was singing, however, two cloaked figures arose mysteriously in back of her, one holding a pair of Okian swords. There was a short scuffle following the last verse, and unfortunately Candace got Deathed again. She wasn't benedicted this time, either. (See Vol. 1, Issue #6)
Upon learning of the event, Gabriele was later overheard to remark: "Better her than me!" Tick had no comment.
When interviewed later, Ivan was enthusiastic about his pet's new dance. "Its great! It's sort of a shuffling-back-and-forth-and-side-to-side kind of thing with great rhythm, and there's even a sort of musical accompaniment from all the legs rubbing on each other, creating a sort of percussive 'shushing' sound! Come and see!" Unfortunately, the roving reporter for this story suddenly remembered a pressing engagement elsewhere, so had to politely decline the invitation.
"We were just walking up to the Light Tavern together to get a drink. As we were about to cross the black path, I stopped to tie my boot, and Aurbren continued on just ahead of me. Then WHAM! - something big and shiny grey came up the black path out of nowhere and did a hit-and-run on her." DTSC caught up with Aurbren as she was resting in Tavern Owner Corin's bed up at the Light Tavern after the incident. When asked if she could identify the metallic monster, she replied "Well, I *think* it was one of those sporty-topped Kias."
More News In Review
Constable Robert da Guy, now Captain Robert da Guy, revisited this case because of its suspicious nature. His new findings were that there were only 47 stab wounds, not 48 - "A clear-cut case of someone trying to give out misinformation to deceive the public." stated da Guy. He has placed himself under suspicion and investigation, as he was the one who had originally closed the case.
Seiji caught up with DTSC again, by creeping up behind us and scaring us half-to-Death. After we had calmed down and taken him to task for it, he replied "Shoot! I was trying for all-the-way-to-Death. I guess I need to practice my sneaking skills - as Settlement Overlord, I must have gotten a little rusty due to keeping the government running the way it always has by staying out of it. I'll have to ask Meiko for pointers again. Do you want to buy a T-Shirt?"
The ringleader necromancer of the random undead horde gleefully reports that he is now fully stocked in spell packets, and is quite looking forward to expending them successfully against New Galen in the near future. "In fact, you might say that I have something of a home-grown advantage", he chortled, demonstrating both his ample stock and his throwing arm upon the local citizenry, causing a flurry of Eidolons to depart the immediate area.
This just in: whomever has eaten any of the Popcorn from the Feldor Swordsworn/Damer Flinn duel should get themselves checked out immediately. It seems that one of the wizards (who shall remain nameless for privacy's sake) who bought some of the popcorn from them started showing disturbing symptoms of non-magic-ness not long afterwards. When asked about the situation, Bran and Gared declined to comment.
Darklocke and Tomo's Social Column is normally an OOG production of Mike Magelinski (Darklocke) and David Leung (Tomo), but in this case, was written entirely by Susan Calkins. We are still very blase about ripping off The Onion (www.theonion.com), and continue to escape being sued by them. :)