Darklocke & Tomo's
Social Column

Published whenever we feel like it.

Vol 1, Issue #5

Ash 58, 1601

All The News We Think You Need To Know

Headline News:

Nameless One to publish autobiography, "Me and My Misunderstood Poetry". Uh huh, right.


It's 6:30pm and they're done with cleanup. Why are these people smiling? Go home! Get some sleep!


Poll: What head-to-head competition would you like to see?


The Okian spymaster was not seen in the settlement inspecting the stone bridge. "The reports of an Okian spymaster down by the stone bridge are totally false," asserts Sgt Rutger.


Poetry-Reading Ghoul Found Stabbed 48 Times In The Back. "Obviously a suicide -- case closed," says Robert the Constable.


Dear Darky

New to the Frontier? Unsure what to do? Take the Dear Darklocke Quiz! We'll help guide you to an exciting and rewarding career in the Frontier.

Q. You find yourself in a grove where your best friend lies with all his limbs maimed. Four hobgoblin champions and a shaman burst from the trees looking belligerent. You can easily escape. What best describes your reaction?

  1. You try to figure out how you ended up with a "best friend" and wander off to brood.
  2. You sneakily slip your friend some poisoned daggers, sneakily slip into the woods, only to sneakily slip back out and attack the hobgoblins from behind. Sneakily.
  3. Not having anything in particular against hobgoblins, you wish your friend luck and graciously vow to destroy him should he ever suffer the injustice of being re-animated as dead in the future.
  4. Seeing that all the good components are gone from the grove anyway, you slip your friend an experimental Tend potion and run for it, planning to return to see if there is enough left of either hobgoblins or your friend to mix into a potion.
  5. You attempt to bargain with the hobgoblins for your friend's life, drawing them into a game of chance involving paper/rock/scissors and a deck of marked cards.
  6. You leave your friend's side to be sure the hobgoblins don't step on any flowers or shrubs.
  7. What else CAN you do? You fight, and hope you get hazard pay if you live through this.

Q. Night Alyss is hosting a picnic where you are served by zombies and enjoy the company of a few of your friends. He raises his glass of wine and instructs you to drink from yours as well as he toasts some recent plot or another. What do you do?

  1. Never accepted the invitation in the first place. I don't like gatherings much.
  2. Free wine? I empty my glass, then the bottle, then ask for more!
  3. I kill all the evil undead necroscum!!!!!!
  4. I pretend to drink, slipping some into an empty potion vial for future analysis.
  5. I politely drink, having developed an immunity to various poisons drinking with many Galenese nobles in the past.
  6. I drink the wine, picturing pretty vineyards and getting ready to berate Night Alyss for any harm he plans to bring to the land.
  7. Wait for it... mentally draw out a battle plan on the checkerboard skull/gravestone pattern tablecloth, then attack!

Q. You and possibly some friends come to a path in the woods that diverges into three separate paths. One is paved and nicely maintained. One is a rough dirt road somewhat overgrown. One is dark, foggy, and evil-looking and gives you a sense that certain death lies down that path via a sign that says "Certain Death Lies Down This Path." You are bored out of your mind and were looking for adventure anyway. Where do you go?

  1. Down the path that seems the least traveled.
  2. Unable to read signs and preferring marks of civilization, we take the paved path.
  3. Surely where there is death there is undead, we take the gloomy path!
  4. Um... I see more flowers and holly down the safe-looking wooded path, let's hit that way.
  5. I say we wait here and waylay anyone stopping to figure out where to go.
  6. We take the paved route and weep over the destruction of nature, hoping our tears wear down the stone of progress and water the weeds of... um... lack of progress.
  7. Deliberate a bit over splitting up into scouting parties to examine each path and best determine how to protect passersby from any dangers we may find.

Q. You're at a Guild party. You find yourself rooted in place, dominated to raise your arms up in the air, slowly wave back and forth, and repeat nasty limericks to the jesting and pointing of all others. What best describes your inner feelings?

  1. Embarrassed and humiliated. Man I hate people.
  2. Oh, they'll turn their backs, and then it'll be their turn.
  3. That guy... in the bunk in the corner... he looks kinda like a red-skull from this angle. Grr...
  4. What on Areth was in that potion?!
  5. What a distasteful gathering of deviants. Not a blackjack table to be seen!
  6. Neat! I'm a limerick tree!
  7. Please don't let the captain see me, please don't let the captain see me...

Q. Finally, when scouting ahead of your friends to the little island in the pond, you find a substantial treasure trove of various items. They have not yet gotten to the footbridge and you could easily claim it all for yourself. What goes on in your head?

  1. "Friends?" Right. I burn the footbridge down and built a nice little hut to live alone in with the help of the dominate powder in the trove and a beaver I name "Hermit."
  2. Their loss for being slow. I'm the scout for a reason.
  3. Any destroy undead powders in this treasure?
  4. Treasure trove? OOH, lookie! Red ferns and mice!
  5. Power! Power to all of us! Muwa ha ha haaa!
  6. I'll leave the hecta to my friends if they leave the red ferns and micies alone.
  7. I wonder if I can somehow work the term "V-formation" into this situation...

Okay, here's how it works. If you find yourself leaning toward the same number more than once, you are inclined to be adequate for looking further into the group that that number represents. In case your responses are pretty spread out, keep in mind that there is such a thing as dual membership in some cases, and double-agent in others. Here's how you score if you were inclined to favor a particular answer:

  1. Groups are not a good thing for you. Let's face it, you don't get along well with others.
  2. If you answered #2 on more than one, you would likely be Guild material. Inquire within.
  3. Boy oh boy do YOU hate undead! Perhaps you should look into fleshing out the ranks of the Brotherhood of the Skull once more.
  4. You are mysterious, experimenting, and inquisitive. Alchemist Guild all the way.
  5. While almost shifty enough to join the Guild, you are a better class of being than that rabble and prefer a good round of gambling over drunken rowdiness. Check and see if you must necessarily be a Dandalo to hang with them.
  6. There are various Tree Hugging organizations in New Galen you could be a part of. A quick extra test will suggest the best one for you: If you are a guy, you might check with the Rangers. If you are a gal, you might check with the Guardians. If you are into leaf tattoos, you might check with the Daughters of Kell. If it's Damien's fault, you might check with Nature's Paw.
  7. Organized combative protection of others. Militia, Garrison, whatever they're calling themselves these days... you need to be in something that refers to itself as a "unit".

Anyway, I hope this has helped you determine your lot in life here at the Frontier!


Tor Loch Mabens Suddenly Become True Shamans

A few nights ago, the Tor Loch Mabens Durgan, Durkin, Dunkin, Dixen, Dasher, Dancer, Donner, Ditzen, and Kaothol got attacked by a group of undead. Not knowing what to do -- or perhaps being too drunk to figure out something cogent to do -- they stumbled outside and managed to variously get pummeled, maimed, etc. Suddenly, Dunken had a bright idea. "I jes held up me beer stein and started shouting, 'Back to the bar! Back to the bar!'". To everyone's considerable surprise, this new war cry was most effective against the undead, which variously scattered, exploded, or gnashed their teeth in jealousy.

Asked if they thought their new turning chant would be effective against all undead, Drinkun replied, "Aye, wull try it 'gainst that Night Alyss fellah -- ee's all purply and sober-lookun'. A good ale'll fix that, ay? Red Skull Ale, now dere's a good 'un. And besides, me got some shaman swizzle sticks! That oughtta turn 'is spirits, ay?"

Darklocke and Tomo's Social Column is an OOG production of Mike Magelinski (Darklocke) and David Leung (Tomo). Dave is now pretty unapologetic for continuing to brutually rip off , so hopefully they won't sue us. :)