Darklocke & Tomo's
Social Column

Published whenever we feel like it.

Vol 2, Issue #8

27 Phoenix, 1604

All The News We Think You Need To Know


So long, and thanks for all the hecta.

Tomo: Well, it's been a good run.

Darklocke: Running away, you mean.

T: No, really, it's been fun. But now what?

D: Isn't it your turn to come up with something funny?

T: OK, how about this. I'm making spell packets, right?

D: Dead people need spell packets? Really? Why?

T: Look, so I'm making spell packets, and to keep my mind from exploding from boredom, I put on some 80s build music. In this case, the soundtrack to Top Gun, and then I start wondering -- in the beach volleyball scene, who would be the men in that scene?

D: You do know by "funny" I meant "funny 'ha ha!'" right?

T: No, seriously, like, on one side, we could have Bryn and Seamus. I'm sure they'd look great shirtless. And on the other side, we could have... we could have...

D: Oh! How about... whoa, wait a minute, I don't hafta be Goose, do I?

T: Don't switch scenes, and besides, I'm totally not that short.

D: (Or that good a pilot.)

T: Back to beach volleyball. Kendall and Rui?

D: Look, I'm not helping you pick which New Galen men would look great in a shirtless beach volleyball scene until you can assure me I don't get subdued to death by a canopy in this bored fantasy of yours.

T: You can be Iceman.

D: No way, Damer's Iceman. Think about it. On a few levels.

T: Umm... well, lesse, Damer's, umm...

D: Ice and attitude! In fact, I can easily picture him and Bryn in a privy scene right after a big Dark Elf battle...

"What's your problem, Flinn!"
          "You're everyone's problem! That's because every time you go out in the woods, you're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous."
"That's right! Ice... wizard. I am dangerous..."

T: Wow, my head hurts. So Damer and... Feldor?

D: [sigh] Are they at least wearing shirts this time?

T: You're right. Next movie.

D: Wait a minute, you never told me why dead people need spell packets...

T: The same reason dead people can write social columns and talk about Top Gun soundtracks and the correlation to New Galen settlers playing beach volleyball.

D: Oh, right, forgot about that whole "liberties with fantasy-reality" stance we take.

T: I suppose it's like... surreality television.

D: What are you -- hey, wait a minute, you might be on to something.

T: Uh oh, what did I say?

D: Well, you know how all those reality T.V. shows are all the craze now, right?

T: I'm not sure I'm going to like this...

D: Well, how about Survivor: New Galen!

T: Correction: I'm sure I'm not going to like this.

D: No, really, Lord Tempest--

T: Tempus.

D: Right, Lord Tempest would be the host, and after every episode there would be a court.

T: What, the loser has to sit through court?

D: No, to see who gets voted to Cthanos.

T: Ouch.

D: Something like that. Who should we start with?

T: Well, lesse. We'd need someone sketchy--

D: Kelcee.

T: A self-starter--

D: Kelcee.

T: A known criminal--

D: Kelcee.

T: An academic--

D: Kelcee.

T: A do-gooder--

D: Not Kel--

T: Kelcee is so not a... oh wait, okay... so, who?

D: Nevyn?

T: This is me giving you a stupid look.

D: You're right; he's totally the "sell your children into slavery" type. Hmm. Is Zoe an academic?

T: And what's with this Kelcee obsession?

D: Nothing.

T: I guess now that Rhaenys is gone--

D: Look, right here in my journal, that's Kelcee's handwriting, saying, "You know, that Darklocke is sure one dreamy poet..."

T: Stop pretending you know how to read Dark-Elven.

D: That doesn't say "dreamy"?

T: No.

D: Then--

T: You don't want to know. Besides, word has it that that sailor in the uniform offered to warm up Kelcee's pendant for her.

D: Sebastian? But what does that even mean?

T: I don't know. You're the one with the investigative reporting journal.

D: Is that what this is!?! Oh yeah, that's what we used to do, right?

T: Rambling just got so much easier is all.

D: Well someone's been using it. Some recent entries are in here. Did we hire anyone?

T: Scavenger interns.

D: Not bad. Look at this: "Elemental magic is becoming all the rage in New Galen, but this reporter is seeing signs that there are more topical varieties on the way than your standard earth, air, water, and fire and their combinations. There have been reports of mages practicing beer magic, ale magic, and whiskey magic."

T: Damer must be the beer mage.

D: Obviously. And Sinduri was seen sipping a bright blue liquid from a hip flask.

T: Kia ale?

D: Water-mage ale. Aiden took a swig, and well, he's still unconscious.

T: "Went straight to his head," said Aeron. "Not that it had far to go."

D: Nice! We should hire her to write for us.

T: I dunno. She's been making, and drinking, her own "firewhiskey".

D: What the heck is that?

T: 84 octane.

D: Don't you mean "proof"?

T: No.

D: So that's what happened to the forge!

T: What?

D: Not sure exactly, but when I was walking down there the other night--

T: Another secret rendezvous with deviants?

D: The Black Watch, actually, for an interview.

T: Ah, so yes. Go on.

D: Well, I saw all these empty potion bottles with Aeron's alchemist's mark and the number "84" on them all. They seemed somewhat melted. And there were black char marks all over the walls of the forge emanating from the fire pit. And apparently Mitsu wouldn't let her use the forge to make her whiskey unattended because--

T: Because there was a clean Mitsu-shaped spot on the back wall surrounded by soot?

D: I thought that eidolan was trailing smoke. He came back out of the Grey though, and sources say that his bad luck of turning into nasty things has continued. Death was so annoyed by the manner of Mitsu's death that he turned him into Luna.

T: The Kia? Wait, I heard about this.

D: So what exactly happened?

T: Well, Death apparently decided to turn Mitsu into the opposite of what he was.

D: Different gender, makes sense. And race.

T: Yeah, and y'know how Mitsu has such a soft, cuddly interior.

D: Isn't that why the Spider refused to eat him? Tasted too much like caramel toffee?

T: And you know what a bone-crushing tree-swinging death-flinging monster Luna is.

D: Well, I wouldn't say "monster".

T: That's because you're still alive and don't want to be hunted down.

D: Speaking of alive, I was wondering: what's up with rumors of Gabrielle's recent demise?

T: Gabriele. Or did you mean Gisele?

D: Giselle.

T: You realize that logically, in conversation, we wouldn't know the difference between how we were spelling those names.

D: So what's your point? And what's this about Giselle?

T: Gisele. Well, have you seen her around lately?

D: Hmm, come to think of it, I haven't. Figured she was away attending to "family matters" back home.

T: Right, that old excuse.

D: It works for Arabundi.

T: Well, it turns out that Gabrielle--

D: Gabri- I mean, Giselle.

T: Okay okay, we've run that into the ground, let me go on.

D: No way, I'm going on. That way I can keep digging that joke back up. Did I share my theory that there are actually two L's in each name, it's just that the first one is silent?

T: (I'm almost sure being dead is better than this.)

D: Ooh! Or maybe it's invisible!

T: (I'm sure now.)

D: So anyway, Gisele has actually managed to elaborately fake her own death in an attempt to leave the settlement unnoticed in her pursuit of necrolepidoptermancy. She didn't want to raise suspicions since we all know that Lord Tempus has banned the raising of undead butterflies in New Galen.

T: Did you actually say... necro... necrolopitomy, no, wait--

D: Yeah. You're dead, shouldn't you know this stuff?

T: And just what does that mean?

D: Well, I simply wanted to add that from what I heard, the ruse was not so elaborate. The limbs protruding from underneath the giant boulder didn't even look like hers. Did they ever find out who it really was?

T: Mathias.

D: Mathias so does not look like a squashed Gabriele.

T: Or Gisele. No, actually, it was Raimi.

D: The cat kia?

T: The ex-cat kia. Now with fewer lives!

D: I still am not believing you. I'd vote for Xavier.

T: What, in bright green-and-off-white colors?

D: Well, mashed under a rock, who'd notice?

T: Lots of people. Like for instance, why did the body look like a dead dark elf?

D: Dark elf cat kia? What?

T: Raimi is a dark elf cat kia? Really?

D: No no, Xavier! That's why he wears black all the time.

T: You realize, of course, that Xavier's going to kill you.

No, I am.

T: Who was that?

D: What? Oh, great, is that Mieko?

Not even close.

T: Umm, isn't that the dark elf warlord?

Final Issue!!!

D: Hey, Tomo, check it out! He hit you with one of your own Top Gun packets! Gotta love irony!

Final Issue!!!

D: I regret nothinnnnnnng......

Darklocke and Tomo's Social Column is, or rather was, an OOG production of Mike Magelinski (Darklocke) and David Leung (Tomo).
May the readers have mercy on our souls. -- Darklocke Or at least not lake us before they Final us. -- Tomo