The ``Are You a Dumb Guy?'' Test

The Rules

1. Be honest -- don't pump up your scores -- I know it's tempting, but you also need to know how much you have yet to do to be a true dumb guy...
2. The scoring is fairly self-explanatory -- the point values are given next to every question. If it's a quantity question, you only get the point values for filling out the number you fall into, not all the ones below it, too!
3. If there's a question, ask some impartial third party or a witness to the event in question. All impartial decisions are final.
4. This test is pretty much gender blind. A woman can be almost as much of a dumb guy as a dumb guy can. If theres a problem qusetion, thats too bad. I did say ALMOST!
5. Have fun -- it's a learning experience! (which word didn't you understand?)

The Test

Part 1: Attitudes

1. How many times a day do you find yourself saying "What's the worst that can happen?"
   • Less than once a day (0 points)
   • Once a day (1 point)
   • Between two and five times a day (3 points)
   • Between five and 10 times a day (5 points)
   • More than 10 times a day (8 points)
2. Have you ever looked death in the face?
   • Yes (1 point)
   • No (0 points)
   • Yes -- and mastered it! (4 points)
3. Have you ever watched Sid and Nancy and...
   • Thought "I could be like that..." (2 points)
   • Thought "I want to be like that..."(5 points)
   • Thought "I should really try heroin sometime...."(15 points)
4. When watching "The Wall" (if you've never watched "The Wall", subtract 1 point), have you ever felt...
   • Sorry for Pink? (1 point)
   • Just like Pink? (3 points)
   • Beyond Pink? (5 points)
5. Which of these people do you most want to be like?
   • Jim Morrison (7 points)
   • Michael Jackson (subtract 1 point)
   • David Bowie (3 points)
6. What is your ideal purity test score? (for every 10 points below 60, score one point)
7. Which of these statements best sums up your idea of a good life motto?
   • Safety first (subtract 4 points)
   • Sport Death (5 points)
   • What happens, happens (1 point)
   • I wonder what would happen if... (7 points)
   • Life is best when done to moderation (minus 2 points)
   • Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse! (6 points)
8. If someone offered you everything you wanted for 20 years, but then you had to die, what would you do?
   • Do it and live it up -- a chance like this only comes around once! (2 points)
   • Not do it -- life is precious (0 points)
   • Think about it -- its a gamble (1 point)
   • Take it -- if you get everything you want, you wont be alive in 20 years anyhow! (5 points)
9. How many tries does it take you to learn that something is bad for you?
   • One (0 points)
   • Two to five (2 points)
   • Six to 10 (4 points)
   • More than 10 (6 points)
   bonus: give yourself 10 extra points if you had to look up "learn" in the dictionary...
10. Would your learning curve ever have a negative slope?
    • no (0 points)
    • yes (3 points)

Part 2: Past experience

1. Have you ever used... (one point per check -- check all that apply)
   • pot?
   • LSD?
   • XTC?
   • speed?
   • nitrous oxide?
   • crystal meth?
   • any other illegal substance not mentioned here?
2. How often have you used these substances? If counting marajuana, multiply the number of times you've used it by .1 first... (one check per substance)
   • one time (0 points)
   • two to 5 times (2 points)
   • 6 to 10 times (4 points)
   • 11 to 20 times (7 points)
   • 20-50 times (10 points)
   • over 50 times (15 points)
   • over 75 times (20 points)
3. Have you ever combined any of these with alcohol? (2 points per substance)
4. Have you ever combined these substances? (5 points per combination)
5. Have you ever exposed yourself to a large vertical drop (more than 20 feet) under the influence of alcohol or any of the substances in question 1?
   • yes (5 points)
   • no (0 point)
6. Have you ever consumed enough alcohol to vomit?
   • yes (1 point)
   • no (0 points)
   • two or more nights in a row (4 points)
7. Give yourself one point for every self-inflicted scar you have.
8. Have you ever donated sperm?
   • yes (5 points)
   • no (0 points)
9. (Answer this ONLY if you answered "yes" in question 8) Why?
   • needed money (0 points)
   • to improve the gene pool (10 points)
   • to read the magazines (7 points)
10. Have you ever donated plasma?
    • yes (1 point)
    • no (0 point)
11. (Answer this ONLY if you answered "yes" to question 10) Why?
    • wanted to help others (minus 1 point)
    • needed the money (2 points)
    • liked the feeling of blood draining from your body (4 points)
    • set a new speed bleeding record (4 points)
    • thought it would be really neat to give a total stranger drugs (12 points)
12. Can you remember how many people you've slept with?
    • yes (0 points)
    • no (3 points)
13. Give yourself 10 points if youve ever practiced the withdrawl method of birth control. Add another 5 if another form was readily availible.
14. Give yourself 10 points if you've ever seriously wanted to be a father before you were 20. Add 10 more if youve acted on this idea.
15. Give youself one point if you can finish this question...."Daddy, what does regret mean?"
16. Give yourself 15 points for driving drunk -- each time!
17. How much do you smoke?
    • less than 1/2 pack a week (0 points)
    • between 1/2 and 2 packs a week (3 points)
    • over 2 but less than 6 packs a week (7 points)
    • between 6 and 12 packs a week (10 points)
    • over 12 packs a week (15 points)
18. Give yourself 5 more points if you do it because its sexy
19. Which of the following strike you as good pick-up lines? (check all that apply)
    • "heave to and prepare to be boarded!" (1 point)
    • "Have you ever tried (name of substance)" (2 points)
    • "let me tell you about how I gave myself this scar..." (2 points)
    • "Have you ever tried (random sexual act)" (1 point)
    • "I'll still respect you in the morning!" (1 point)
20. Have you ever given a "sympathy fuck"?
    • no (0 points)
    • once (1 point)
    • all the time -- they're just down on their knees begging for it! (5 points)
21. Give yourself 3 points for lying on question 20.
22. Give yourself 7 points for every total stranger with whom you've had sex without a condom.
23. Which of the following strike you as role models? (check all that apply)
    • Sid Vicious (3 points)
    • Jim Morrison (3 points)
    • Arnold Schwartzenagger (2 points)
    • Bruce Willis (2 points)
    • Sylvester Stallone (3 points)
    • Janis Joplin (2 points)
    • John Wayne (1 point)
    • James Dean (3 points)
    • Roger Waters (2 points)
    • Sylvia Plath (1 point)
    • Rasputin (3 points)
24. Give yourself 3 points if you've consumed alcohol greater than 79 proof straight from the bottle.
25. Give yourself another 2 points if you've consumed (check all that apply)
    • Cossack vodka
    • Pabst Blue Ribbon
    • Budweiser out of a long-necked bottle
    • Rolling Rock (add 1 point if warm)
    • Everclear (add 2 points if as shots)
    • anything that would remove rust
    • Wild Turkey
    • anything brewed or bottled in Somerville
26. Have you ever gone to the emergency room with...
    • a slam dancing injury? (3 points)
    • an injury inflicted during a sexual act? (3 points)
    • a self-inflicted injury? (7 points)
27. Have you read more than 50% of the literature by... (check all that apply)
    • Ernest Hemingway (1 point)
    • Timothy Leary (2 points)
    • Ian Fleming (1 point)
    • Brett Easton Ellis (1 point)
    • The Marquis de Sade (2 points)
28. Give yourself 1 point for seeing any significance whatsoever in the phrase "I'm the white rabbit"
29. Give yourself 3 points if you've vonited from excess alcohol consmption and continued drinking.
30. How many times a day do you succumb to peer pressure?
    • 0-1 ( 0 points)
    • 2-4 (2 points)
    • 4-6 (4 points)
    • 7+ (7 points)
31. Do you own a motorcycle?
    • yes (1 point)
    • no (0 points)
32. (Answer only if answer to 31 was "yes") Do you currently wear a helmet?
    • yes (0 points)
    • no (5 points)
33. (Answer only if answer to 32 was "no") Have you ever been in a motorcycle accident?
    • yes (10 points)
    • no (0 points)
34. Have you ever driven more than twice the speed limit?
    • yes (2 points)
    • no (0 points)
35. If a cop signalled you to pull over, what would you do?
    • pull over (0 points)
    • hope he goes away (2 points)
    • run like hell -- your car is faster than his! (5 points)
36. Have you ever slept with your best friend's significant other?
    • yes (10 points)
    • no (0 points)
37. If your answer to 36 was "yes", add 5 more points if you felt remorseful and obligated to tell your best friend the next day.
38. Give yourself 10 points for carrying an unregistered handgun on your person anywhere on the east coast or California.
39. Have you ever knowingly carried an illegal substance in an airport (check any that apply)
    • from state to state? (7 points)
    • from country to country? (10 points)
40. Have you ever lied on your taxes with the sole rationalization "what are they gonna do, audit me?"
    • yes (3 points)
    • no (0 points)
41. Have you ever been reproached for blatantly stupid actions by someone with more than 225 dumb guy points?
    • yes (3 points)
    • no (0 points)
42. Have you ever knowingly ingested a potentially lethal substance? If so, give yourself 8 points per substance. Important -- in this question, alcohol, or other substances which can be lethal in large doses DO NOT COUNT unless the dosage consumed makes the substance lethal. For example, a beer does not count. A fifth of vodka does. Give yourself another 5 points if you did it because it tasted good,
43. Give yourself 15 points if you've ever continued to date someone who has tried to kill you.
44. Have you dated
    • your boss? (5 points)
    • your boss's significant other? (10 points)
    • one of your son/daughter's friends? (25 points)
45. Give yourself 3 points if people commonly refer to you as "someone unclear on the concept.."
46. Have you ever tried something that you've seen on TV with a warning underneath it reading "kids -- don't try this at home!"? If so, chalk up 6 dumb guy points.
47. Have you committed any actions just to get a dumb guy point? If so, there's another 2 dumb guy points.
48. If you fear something, you should
    • continue to fear it -- its feared for a reason! (2 points)
    • carefully evaluated and deal with your attitudes before making a future decision ( minus 5 points)
    • do nothing (0 points)
    • try to cope with it maturely (minus 1 point)
    • do it over and over again umtil you master it! (10 points)
49. Have you ever either hitchhiked or picked up a hitcher? If so, its another 10 points!
50. Have you ever received most of your daily vitamins and minerals from the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle?

    BONUS QUESTION : Have you ever tried to kill the president to impress someone?

    • yes (100 points)
    • no (0 points)

How to score this test

Scoring Breakdown

21-50 -- You're not that dumb yet - keep trying. As a helpful hint, consider investing in a good syringe or two and carrying sharp objects with you. If you've decided that the route to happiness is not through the true dumb guy path, you're still doing pretty well.

51-100 -- You're well on your way to becoming a true cultural icon. Work on those scars -- keep drinking every night. After all -- you're not going to worry about your liver in 20 years -- you could be dead then! You have a way to go before you become a true stupidity god, however. But its nothing a little effort can't fix!

101-150 -- This is pretty impressive -- a little more, and you'll be there. Remember -- if you suspect your lifestyle is causing you long term health problems, don't go to a doctor! Real dumb guys can fix anything themselves!

151-200 -- Wow! You have become a dumb guy! Start shaving with a straight razor if you haven't yet! Celebrate your new score by shooting an entire bottle of Bacardi 151 tonight!

201-250 -- Other dumb guys come to you for advice -- you turn them away because a true dumb guy never asks for help!

251-300 -- You not only wear bad idea jeans, you design them! You are one of the elite!

301-500 -- Dumb guys all over the world hitchike to make pilgrimages to you! You are the prophet of all -- the guru of stupidity!

501+ -- Obviously lying on the test -- a true dumb guy would be dead by now!