The All-New "Don't laugh at my score" Purity Test For the Totally Sexually Clueless

by Randy Spangler 11/19/90

1. Introduction

If this test whets your appetite, and you think you want to experience more, then get find one of the other purity tests. If you're young, female, and attractive, and just can't seem to find anyone to help you lose some of those points, then send me email (rspangle@jarthur.claremont.edu) and we'll try and work something out.

All questions in this test pertain to events that have happened at any time in your life, whether you were an infant or not. Let's face it: if you've got a 96.5% score on the 400-question test, you're going to need all the help you can get.

There is no passing nor failing score for this test, but if you manage to score above 90% on this test, you are in serious need of help.

Footnotes are at the END of the test.

All technicalities count.

2. The Test

Section 1: Platonic Relations

Have you ever:
1. Seen a MOS? (2)
2. Touched a MOS?
3. Been in the same room as a MOS without anything steamy happening?
4. Given a back or neck rub with no ulterior motive?
5. Had your back rubbed, when the rubber had no ulterior motive? If you're not sure, then they probably did. Isn't it a sinful world?
6. Directly asked someone whom you were not going out with and had never gone out with if they were a virgin?
7. Told anyone you were a virgin?
8. Hugged or been hugged by a MOS?
9. Secretly lusted after someone without that person knowing?
10. Dropped subtle hints to someone whom you liked/loved, hoping that they would pick up on it?
11. Dropped hints so obvious that the entire world notices, yet had that person pointedly ignore you?

    Section 2: Auto-Erotica and Mono-Sexuality

    Don't do that! It'll fall off!

    Have you ever:

12. Been aroused?
13. Thought about being aroused?
14. Tried to be aroused, but failed or just didn't know how?
15. Uttered/muttered/yelled/screamed (or in other words verbally expressed) obscenities? You know, like "dang", "darn", "H-E-double hockey sticks", "fudge", and the like.
16. Dreamed about a MOS, where nothing steamy happens?
17. Fantasized about your long-term instructor, mentor, or someone who is superior to you? One day skydiving teachers, or two hour ski instructors and such do not count. Admittedly, you've got a lot of latitude here, since most people are probably superior to you.
18. Fantasized about your lawyer, doctor, nurse, or anyone else with whom you are having a professional relationship?
19. Fantasized about anyone else not covered above? Mother, father, Pope, sister, brother, the whole family, etc.
20. Seen the cover of a pornographic magazine?
21. Seen the inside of a pornographic magazine?
22. Understood the pictures?
23. Opened a pornographic magazine, just so you could read a non- pornographic article?
24. Read a dirty book (Harlequin romances count)?
25. Stuffed your bra if you are female, or stuffed your pants if you are male?
26. Masturbated? (gasp)
27. Had your hand fall asleep during masturbation?
28. Been caught at masturbation?
29. Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show or any other burlesque show?
30. Seen the RHPS willingly?
31. Seen blatant sexual objects? Condoms, dildos, nipple clips - that sort of thing.
32. Made an anatomically correct snowperson or sandperson or mermaid?
33. Wet your pants?
34. Excreted in your pants?

    Section 3: Legislative Misfits and Other Ethical Questions

    Have you ever:

35. Administered a whole Purity Test or are in the process of administering a whole Purity Test of any version?
36. Taken Purity Tests of any version more than five times?
37. Dropped more than five percent on any purity test between two successive Purity Test takings?
38. Lied on any previous Purity Tests?
39. Exaggerated about any sexual experiences, or just plain made stuff up?
40. Broken your word, promise, or vow?
41. Been late to a class, or actually skipped a class?
42. Made out a check that bounced?
43. Accidentally listened in on other people having sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
44. Figured out what you were hearing?
45. Continued to listen in out of curiosity?
46. Had someone else try to expose you in public?
47. Suddenly become paranoid around a police officer, and probably for no good reason?
48. Become so desperate you've offered money or some favor to fool around?
49. Been offered money or some favor to fool around? As if the chance to fool around wasn't reward enough!
50. Actually accepted such an offer, or had an offer accepted?
51. Didn't back out once you figured out they weren't kidding?

    Section 4: Drugs

    Have you ever:

52. Had a sugar high?
53. Seen an alcoholic drink?
54. Tasted an alcoholic drink?
55. Consumed a whole alcoholic drink, all by yourself?
56. Contemplated getting really toasted?
57. Actually become really toasted?
58. Inhaled second-hand smoke?
59. Consumed anything containing caffeine? This includes Chocolate and/or Coca-Cola.
60. Seen any illegal drugs?
61. Taken any pain-killer type medication? Aspirin, Tylenol, Motrin, etc.
62. Taken any medication that advised you to "Avoid operating heavy machinery or driving" while under its effects?
63. Kissed anyone while either one of you tasted of alcohol?

    Section 5: Non-Platonic

    Most of these aren't non-platonic for the rest of the world, but for you it's probably a big deal.

    Have you ever:

64. Held hands with someone?
65. Had a real date? This is where you actually ask someone out or were asked out. If your cousin took you to lunch when you visited him/her, it doesn't count. That is, unless you fooled around afterwards.
66. Dated someone on a regular basis? Like, more than twice.
67. Had a date past 10:00 P.M.?
68. Gone steady with someone? We're talking a duration of at least two weeks here.
69. Slow danced?
70. Been involved in a tickle fight with a MOS?
71. Sat on a MOS's lap, or had your lap sat upon by a MOS?
72. Been propositioned by a MOS (for anything remotely sexual)?
73. Pinched someone else on the rear, or had your rear pinched?
74. Kissed someone else on the cheek?
75. Kissed someone else on the lips?
76. French kissed a MOS?
77. Given or received a hickey?
78. Gotten so involved in kissing that either or both of you were breathing heavily afterwards?
79. Given a back massage with ulterior motives?
80. Given a back massage that actually got you anywhere?
81. Seen the underwear of a MOS while they were wearing it?
82. Seen a MOS who was obviously not wearing undergarments? In other words, saw someone who was braless or underwearless or wearing a skirt without a slip.
83. Craned your neck for a better view?
84. Seen a MOS wearing only undergarments?
85. Slept with a MOS? Nothing other than sleeping had to happen.
86. Fooled around? Yeah, this is a pretty broad topic. Consider it anything between necking and actual sex. Why only one question? It saves time writing down all those "NO" answers.
87. Had sex or oral sex or mutual masturbation? If you've gone this far, you don't need this test any more. People may laugh at your score for a while, but you can still reply, "Well, at least I'm not a virgin."

    Section 6: Same Sex Relations

    EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWW!!!!!! (Thank you, Jason)

88. Sat on a MSS's lap, or had your lap sat upon by a MSS? (3)
89. Held hands with a MSS?
90. Hugged a MSS?
91. Been propositioned by a MSS?
92. Kissed a MSS?
93. Done anything more serious than just kissing with a MSS?

    Section 7: Alternate Choices

    These are all things you've done on a serious basis - not just things you've done a few times to see what it's like. If you've actually done it a few times and plan on doing it more in the future, I guess that's close enough.

    Have you ever:

94. Been decidedly heterosexual?
95. Been so opposed to fooling around with anyone that people aren't sure if you even have a sexual orientation?
96. Been tied up?
97. Dressed in the garments of the opposite sex for any reason?
98. Been ticklish?

    Section 8: Group Sexual Relations

    Have you ever:

99. Listened to dirty jokes in mixed company?
100. Told dirty jokes in mixed company?
101. Made sexual references about anything?
102. Been tickled by more than two people at the same time?
103. Been showered by more than two people at the same time?
104. Helped at least two other people tickle someone?
105. Been tickled by someone and his/her sibling?
106. Been tickled by someone and his/her parent?

     Section 9: Extracurricular, Deviant Conduct

     Sec. 9.1 Non Sentient Objects

     Have you ever:

107. Used a feather or something similar for tickling purposes?
108. Put ice down someone's shirt or pants?
109. Put suntan lotion or something similar on someone else?
110. Attempted to have sex, oral sex, or (mutual) masturbation with a live animal, but failed? (4)
111. Seen animals engaging in sexual activity? Humans don't count, unless they were making animal noises at the time.
112. Had your head inserted into a urinal or toilet bowl?
113. Fondled a piece of underwear while thinking about what goes in it?
114. Seen birth control of any sort? Hope, rhythm, and prayer don't count here.
115. Bought birth control of any sort?

     Sec. 9.2. Locality

     This section is designed to measure how many places you have done interesting things.

     Have you ever:

116. Kissed anyone in a car?
117. Kissed anyone on a boat?
118. Kissed anyone while both of you were on a bed? You do not need to be under the covers to get this point.
119. Kissed anyone in a bedroom with the door closed?
120. Had your parents or roommate or someone like that walk in on you while you were kissing someone?
121. Kissed anyone in the rain?

     Sec. 9.3. Style

     Have you ever:

122. Intentionally talked dirty to someone?
123. Made noise like you were fooling around with someone, to mislead the people who were probably listening in on you?
124. Had a family pet walk over you while you were kissing someone else or fooling around?
125. Taken pictures of someone else in a bathing suit or other similarly revealing garment?
126. Had pictures taken of you wearing only a bathing suit or other similarly revealing garment?
127. Been bruised while struggling during a tickle fight?
128. Been tickled more than 5 times in one 24-hour period?
129. Been tickled more than 25 times in one 24-hour period? (5)
130. Used any purity test as a checklist of things to do or as a wish list?
131. Participated in purity testing with an ulterior motive?
132. Personally known someone with a purity score higher than your own?

3. Scoring

However, to figure out your purity score, total up your total number of "yes" answers. Subtract from 132, and divide the result by 1.32. That's your new purity score.

Footnotes:

1. Jewish American Princess - not a derogatory term for a Japanese person
2. MOS: Member of the Opposite Sex
3. MSS: Member of the Same Sex
4. You probably won't have this question, but it's my favorite question on the 400-question test and so I had to include it. (No, I do not have this point.)
5. (The Lisa Buchanan Memorial question)