David Policar 1993
"Black... black is safe. It's like you aren't there at all, y'know? Just a shadow, just a... a... suggestion of yourself. Nothing can hurt you, nothing can touch you, nothing can see you. All the fighting in the world can't touch you. But... well, you can't touch anything either... I mean, you can, but it isn't safe -- it puts you back inside. Black only works when you don't care, when you're outside looking in, and none of it's real, 'cuz you're not letting it be real. The minute you believe in it, care about it, let it matter, well, that's it.
"White is, well, pure. Not like they usually mean, pure, not like church or anything... well, sorta like that, but not like that at all... um... I can't explain. It's pure, like crystal, like a diamond. Flawless. Perfect. It's not 'good'... it just is, it's everything all at once, everything... everything real. Yeah, that's it. When you're under a white shield, it's real. And, well, it's not really a shield, exactly, 'cuz it doesn't keep stuff away... but it's like nothing can get to you unless it's real, too, and then it can't hurt you, 'cuz... well, 'cuz it doesn't. I don't know why. It's like the bad stuff is all fake -- not cuz you want it to be, like with a black shield, but just cuz it is. And so you don't have to worry, 'cuz anything that touches you has to be ok.
"The catch is, white shields are tough to keep up. You've got to be pure, too, or you can't do it. Not like being a saint, or anything like that, but like you've got to be completely honest with yourself, and be doing stuff for the right reasons, and pay attention. It takes absolute integrity... you don't do it casually, you know?
"Hm.. what else. Red. Red is easy. It's like punching a wall when you're mad, it's angry, it's... hot. It's like nothing can touch you, nothing can get near you without being burned. Nothing. Not friends, not enemies, not even the cat... and if they don't get out of your way fast enough, they suffer for it. It's... well, it's effective, but I'm not too crazy about it.
"Blue, I like. Blue is like your own personal slice of ocean around you, cool and refreshing. It's great for the days when the world feels dirty, or when your nerves are being dipped in acid. Or when you want to just hold someone else and make them feel better, y'know? 'course, it doesn't stop anything, it just feels better is all.
"Um... hm. Those are the ones that come to mind... Green? Green. Hm. I don't think I've ever tried green... Hm... it's weird. It's like it's not just me under it, like it's bigger than it is, bigger than I am. And... I don't think it's much of a shield, to tell you the truth; it feels like anything could touch me. But it's like it doesn't matter; I'd heal up from it if it hurt me... I can't explain it, it's like I'm just a part of something much bigger. I don't like it.
"Yellow? Um... wow. Cool... in a wierd sort of way.
"It's like there's a whole other world out there, all in yellow... and I'm just gone. You're not there, nothing is there... well, nothing that's here is there, I mean... and its all... I dunno, not unreal exactly, but abstract, somehow. It's not that it doesn't matter, it's that everything is kinda something else at the same time... like everything is ideas, not stuff.
"Silver... oh, wow....
"Oh, wow...
"This is excellent!
"Um, OK. It's... it's charged, to start with. Everything has a current running through it, a power, all hopped up and waiting to do whatever it is it's gonna do, like a storm coming in, only different, 'cuz it's all around you, and it's all... like, it knows what it's gonna do, it's not like lightning or something that's going to hit whatever it hits and that's the end of it... it has purpose, y'know? It's like waiting to get married, or something, except, except, it - it - I dunno, it doesn't move, you know? It's like you're watching someone waiting to get married or whatever, and they're so full of excitement they seem about to burst, except they aren't moving - not a twitch, no pacing, no foot-tapping, no talking, just sitting there as if they hadn't a care in the world except that they're so full of energy you can't even stand it watching them!
"But it's all around you, y'know? Like there's no reason to move, 'cuz everything around you is just as charged, so you can't calm down, it just brings you right back where you started and keeps you there, and - mm?
"Yeah, OK, I'll calm down.
"No, honestly, it was fine.. it was exciting! I wanna try it again -
"Why not? It's a blast!
"OK, fine. For now, at least.
"Sure, whatever. A dose of green, coming right up.
...
"Mm. Yeah, I see what you mean. Not too healthy, is it? Like being on speed all the time. Cool shit, but either you come down worse than you were, or you die from it... either way, no joy.
"OK. I'll leave it alone, then.
"Gold. Funny... I expected it would be like silver, but it's not exactly... it's still charged, but different... like turned inwards instead of outwards... I'm not really sure what I mean by that.
"Funny... it's not gold anymore, either. It's brown. Boring. Solid. Just earth. But it's not any different... the gold is all still there... it's just in how I look at it. I dunno. Doesn't make much sense.
"This is too much for one sitting, I think. Let's drop it here and pick it up later, OK?"