by Rob Wagner

A disheveled radio station. Open magazines everywhere on every table. We see Johnny Rocket, DJ, with headphones on, seated in front of a microphone, mounted above a corner control panel with lots of switches. The microphone has a magazine hanging over it. Johnny has a typical radio voice, deepish with seeming exaggerated mouth movements on every word.

(We hear the lyrics ``In Your Eyes'')

Johnny: OK, classic rock fans, we've got a cold one out there tonight. Low of around 20 degrees in the greater Boston area, 15 in the 'burbs, so wear your booties tonight. We just heard 27 in a row, concluding with a 47-minute live version of ``In Your Eyes'' by Peter Gabriel. Man, is that song moving, or what? Before that was Sting with ``If I Ever Lose my Faith in You.'' I tell you, that guy has a lyrical quality about him. Every song he writes, . . . , is just so damn good! We're the only station with all classic rock, all the time. It's 8:37, and we've got a few commercials now before we start our all-request day-and-a-half, so we'll be back, after this.

Voice #1: Off the air!

Johnny: (Talking to someone offstage, who doesn't reply to us. We hear commercials in the background.) Thank god. Man, what the hell was with that Peter Gabriel crap? What the fuck are you doing making me take that request? \

Commercial: (singing) ...gravy, delicious gravy...

Johnny: I just think if we're gonna play long tracks like that, it might as well be some Pink Floyd. At least it'll be good.

Commercial: (singing) ...making GRAAAAAAAAVY!!!!

Johnny: What do you mean it has to be newish?!

Commercial: (singing) ...great on potatoes, great on meat! Makes you really, want to eat!

Johnny: What the fuck is that?! What if somebody requests it?

Commercial: (different voice, talking) Gravy! It's a hell of a way to go. Brought to you by the Gravy Association of America.

Johnny: Oh, so we're supposed to ignore requests for ``Echoes'' and we take requests for Peter Gabriel?

Commercial: (weeping, but obviously reading) I have no money. I make minimum wage, and my taxes are still 30%. I can't afford to bring up my children. What can I do?

(different voice) I'm Steve Forbes...

Johnny: Peter Gabriel?!?!

Commercial: We're looking for a low, flat tax. It's low. It's honest. And it's a big change for Washington.

(different voice) Paid for by Forbes for President.

Johnny: Peter Gabriel?!?! Man, you are unbelievable! How could someone get into your position with your stupidity?

Commercial: (banjo music) I'm Zed.

(different voice) And I'm Jed.

(both) We're Zed and Jed...

Johnny: Unbelievable!

Commercial: ...microbrewery. We're not big. We're tiny! We've got two employees, and a still out back. Get the homegrown flavor of a real microbrewery.

Johnny: I understand that we get so many requests, and that we can't take them all. I just think we should be consistent about which requests we take. If we take requests for a 27-minute long Peter Gabriel song, or for that 50-minute live version of Cream's ``Toad,'' we should take a request for ``Echoes'' sometime.

Commercial: (singing) Unlimited doors!

Johnny: I don't care if they were just released, or if they're hot!! We're not about popular, we're about classic rock. Any request, ANY request we get, there are at least 40 people out there wanting to hear the same song.

Voice #1: 30 seconds.

Johnny: (pause) Well, of course we need our sponsors. Of course we need our ratings. I just think the best way we can do that is to pander to ALL of our listeners, not just the ones who want to hear 3-minute songs.

Commercial: ...up this Sunday on the WB. First, it's Pinky and the Brain.

Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering, Pinky?

Pinky: I think so, Brain, but Pippi Longstockings and me, I mean, what would the kids look like?

Johnny: Yeah, I guess that's true. Those who want to hear ``Echoes'' will probably to listen to us anyway, but that's still not right. We should play songs for them some time.

Commercial: Then, it's Kirk. What happens when you mix an 80's ex-child-TV-star with 90's TV? Find out, on the WB. On this episode, Kirk has to babysit, again, so he sneaks them on his date, while the kids make even more wacky wisecracks.

Kid: So the priest says, ``Rubber chicken??'' (laughtrack)

Johnny: Ok, so we agree.

Voice #1: On the air in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

Johnny: We're back with you, fulfilling your champagne wishes and classic rock dreams. We've got Joe in Needham here.

Woman's Voice: Um, hello?

Johnny: You're on the air with Johnny Rocket.

Woman's Voice: Hello?

Johnny: You're on the air.

Woman's Voice: Hello?

Johnny: I don't think that was Joe in Needham. Let's go to Bill in Framingham.

Bill: Hey, Johnny?

Johnny: Hey, Bill, what's on your mind?

Bill: Well, Johnny, I'm gonna be driving tonight, so I was wondering if you'd play some Howard Stern's penis! Howard Stern's penis! Bababooey! Bababooey!

Johnny: Will you hang up on him already?!?!

Bill: Howard Stern! Howard Stern! Bababooey! Bababooey!

Johnny: Hang up!

Bill: Howard Stern! Howard Stern! Bababooey! Bababooey! Jackie Martling! Fred...(They hang up on him.)

Johnny: Ok, we'll be back after these commercial messages.

Voice #1: Off the air!

Johnny: Who let those two through?!?!

Voice #1: 30 seconds.

Johnny: (pause) I swear it, guys, will you PLEASE do your jobs? I swear it seems like you're setting me up here.

Commercial: ...another episode of ``I got it back with Lojack.''

Johnny: My god!

Commercial: (different voice) I came out, and it was gone! Luckily, I had Lojack installed the week before, so the police tracked down my car in 2 hours. They got there in time just before they stripped the fourth tire, so lojack saved me about \$60, 'cause now I only have to buy three! I got it back with Lojack.

Voice #1: We're on in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....

Johnny: We're back with your requests on this beautiful, cold Friday night, so hold your loved-ones tight and cuddle up and all that corny stuff. Right now, we go to Roger in London. London??

Roger: (British accent) Yes, I'd like to hear some ``Echoes,'' please.

Johnny: Alright, that's it!!! I've had it with this station, and everything else!! I'm going to commit suicide right now!!

Roger: Oh dear. (hangs up)

Johnny: Alright, I've got a gun to my head! I'm gonna shoot!! I swear it, I'll shoot! (gun sound effects) (long pause) Thought I did it, didn't you? You thought I shot myself, eh? Well, it's not that easy. I'm hooking myself up to a Kevorkian machine as we speak, and a heart monitor, too. (Beep) I'm hooking myself in, (Beep) and I've got the (Beep) poison needle in me already. (Beep) Better watch out! (Beep) I'm gonna do it. (Beep) I swear it, (Beep) this is the end.

(plays the song ``Echoes'' by Pink Floyd, and the beeps fade as the beeps in the song arrive.)


by Rob Wagner

Guy: Hey, guess what?

Man: What?

Guy: Made you say ``what.''

Man: What?

Guy: Made you say ``what'' again.

Man: No, you didn't.

Guy: Made you deny it.

Man: This is stupid.

Guy: Made you say ``stupid.''

Man: (Laughs)

Guy: Made you laugh.

Man: Please stop it.

Guy: Made you beg.

Man: Stop it.

Guy: Made you get mad.

Man: Stop it, or I'll hurt you.

Guy: Made you threaten me.

Man: (hits Guy in the stomach, dropping him to the floor)

Guy: Made you hit me.

Man: (kicks him in the stomach) That'll learn you. (Walks away.)

Guy: Made you kick me. (Man keeps walking)

Guy: Made you use incorrect grammar. (Man keeps walking)

Guy: Made you walk away.


by Rob Wagner

The scene is Lobdell. We see orange and brown decorations, and glossy cut-out cornucopiae. Student walks up to the cashier. He has a Double Cheeseburger, Fries, and a glass of soda.

Student: Allo. (Picks up a few napkins.)

Cashier: Soda or water?

Student: Water.

Cashier: But that's soda.

Student: If you thought it was soda, then why did you ask?

Cashier: It's just a habit.

Student: Oh, ok.

Cashier: $4.20.

Student: What??

Cashier: $4.20. That's the price of your meal.

Student: But the Double Cheeseburger is $2.10, and the Fries are $1.10. That's only $3.20.

Cashier: Yes, and the soda.

Student: What soda?

Cashier: That soda!

Student: I said that was water!

Cashier: But it's obviously soda.

Student: No it isn't. I could have taken water from the machine, and added my own syrup on the way to the cash register.

Cashier: And what about the bubbles?

Student: Spit.

Cashier: What??

Student: Spit could do that.

Cashier: Not a chance.

Student: Of course it could. Just watch. (He spits into the soda and swirls it around.) See, it looks just like soda.

Cashier: It is soda!!

Student: It is not!! Here, you try. I'll bet even you can make it look like soda.

Cashier: Of course I can! It IS soda!! (She spits into the soda and swirls it around.) See.

Student: Ewww. You spit in my soda!!!

Cashier: You asked me to.

Student: (Shouts around to the whole place.) She spit in my soda!! I deserve a free meal!

Cashier: Get out of here.

Student: Gladly. (Walks away, drinking his soda.)