Dear Phosphorous,

What strange times we live in. And here I am to interpret things for those who will not strain themselves over such a mess.

I see anti-Semitism growing and spreading so much as to endanger even religion. Those emboldened by weak resistence to their aggression - are about to deny God the choice of picking His Own Partners.

God's Chosen People have had a very long association with the Deity and absorbed so much wisdom that God is thinking of promoting them.

But those impudently and religiously incorrect individuals are about to bring Armageddon down over our devout and praying heads.

Can Voo Doo save us - or is the risk too great?

I will pray that you see the light in time.

John L. Coffin,
Springfield, Missouri

Sorry, John, but this is a sophomoric college humor magazine. You probably want to contact a sophomoric college political magazine. Have you tried Counterpoint?

Dear Phos,

We have found the center of the universe. This is a great achievement for all mankind. The science that we will be able to uncover by exploring it will benefit all humanity. Unfortunately it is in your darkroom, and we are moving in this weekend.

Professor Bob Jackson

Thanks for your interest, Bob, but venting Pritchett fumes takes precedence over Big Science.


I am sick and tired of hearing you whine about your stupid little darkroom. You're such a pussy! Nobody cares about your problems and your stupid little magazine. Everyone around M.I.T. has to deal with unannounced inconveniences. Just shut up and take it like a, uh... a, err... a cat.

Betsy Jilldaughter

Dear Sirs,

Wasn't the problem with the Picture Book's cover... uh, intuitively obvious?


Maleeta Coen-Brewster, President,
and the members of the Committee Adjudging Taste At MIT, Earnestly (CATAMITE)

Dear Phos,

All this exposure to the OK soda ad campaign spurred me to break down and buy a can of the trendy stuff. I've just tried some, and frankly I'm disappointed. I just cannot see the reason for all this hype over a can of Fresca with cherry extract thrown into it. Tell me it wasn't an accident at one of the Coca-Cola plants; I dare you! And the ad people think they're so fucking clever by naming the stuff ``OK'' so that when you try it and think it's kind of cool you automatically answer ``it's OK.'' Wow, such wit. Well, MAYBE they could have called it ``Tastes like shit'' soda and people REALLY would have gotten a kick out of it! Who the fuck do these people think they are, plastering frenetic commercials all over daytime tv with wild flashing images and so chock-full of subliminal suggestion that I involuntarily start tearing around the house screaming ``MY MOTHER IS THE ANTICHRIST'' at the top of my lungs everytime I watch too many of them?! And the fucking polar bears! What, did Coca Cola monopolize the polar bear market?! Where the fuck do THEY get off throwing these huge man-eating mascots in my face?! I can't watch TV anymore without seeing seventy or eighty of them on the screen at a time!! I flip channels too fast and they start shooting out the side of the set!! And, look, there's one climbing out the top of this can of OK!! Jesus, they're all over the kitchen floor, stealing all my Cheez-its!!! OH CHRIST, they're climbing up my legs, I can see them burrowing into my intestines and chewing up my liver!!! THEY'RE CLIMBING OUT MY HEAD!!! OH GOD!! WHY DOESN'T THE FCC DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS?!?! AGHGHGHGAHAGHHAGHAGHAHHGHGHHAHHAH!!!!

Thanks for writing. And don't worry, things will soon be ``O.K.''